Disclaimer: Today's blah blah blah not affiliated blah blah Bill in Portland Maine blah blah blah blah.
Today's C&J is dedicated to that topic of enduring and obsessive interest to us all (in the Northern Hemisphere, anyway): How fricken' hot it is.
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Today in History:
1935: The dust bowl heat wave reached its peak, sending temperatures to 109°F (44°C) in Chicago, Illinois and 104°F (40°C) in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
[Source: Wikipedia]
And on that cheery note:
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, July 24, 2006
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CHEERS to weather jokes!
It's So Hot That...
* I saw a robin pulling earthworms out of the ground with tongs.
* People take turns sitting in each others' shadows.
* My tongue gets sunburned every time I speak.
* I drove through McDonald's and spilled hot coffee in my lap just to cool off.
* The cows are giving evaporated milk.
* The trees are whistling for the dogs.
* The best parking spaces are determined by shade rather than distance.
* Michael Jackson went out for ice cream by himself.
* My seatbelt gave me third-degree burns.
* You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
[Source: Dozens of weather-joke websites too numerous to cite individually]
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Late-Night Global Warming Jokes
"President Bush told reporters he won't see Al Gore's documentary about the threat of global warming. He will not see it. On the other hand, Dick Cheney said he's seen the global warming film five times, and it still cracks him up." --Conan O'Brien
"According to a survey in this week's Time magazine, 85% of Americans think global warming is happening. The other 15% work for the White House." --Jay Leno
"Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice." --David Letterman
"President Bush said global warming is happening much quicker than he thought, and then his staff pulled him aside and said 'It's just springtime.'" --Jay Leno
"Don't kid yourself. Global warming is no joke. Here's how serious global warming has gotten to be in the United States. In this country global warming is so bad, we are now actually starting to warm up to Barry Bonds." --David Letterman
"They say if the warming trend continues, by 2015 Hillary Clinton might actually thaw out." --Jay Leno
"We estimate that there are perhaps 20,000 prehistoric hunter-gatherers frozen up in those glaciers. Now, if they simply thaw and wander around, it's not a problem, but if they find a leader -- a Captain Caveman, if you will -- we'll be facing an even more serious problem." --Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, on the dangers of global warming
"Heating bills this winter are the highest they've been in five years, but President Bush has a plan to combat rising bills. It's called global warming." --Jay Leno
"Yesterday, a group of scientists warned that because of global warming, sea levels will rise so much that parts of New Jersey will be under water. The bad news? Parts of New Jersey won't be under water." --Conan O'Brien
[Source]
"Good Things About Global Warming" As presented on the 01/04/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN
10. Domino's Pizza will not be almost room temperature when it arrives
9. No more snow for Giants fans to throw
8. Outside chance the cast of "Friends" will spontaneously combust
7. Boardrooms across America will begin to look like those naked pictures in National Geographic
6. Ed Sullivan Theater will heat up to a balmy 34 degrees
5. Fat guys can make their own gravy
4. Canada will be able to use a whopping 9% of its landmass
3. Real bacon will be sold on the streets of New York City (cut to vendor)
2. Can get to see what Michael Jackson really looks like when his face melts
1. Higher temperature = more golf courses = greater chance O.J. will catch real killers
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West Coast Heat Indicators
65F:
* Seattleites break out the tank tops, shorts and sandals.
* San Diegans put on hoodies to protect them from the unseasonable chilliness.
70F:
* Seattleites break out the SPF 250 and hit the beach.
* San Diegans celebrate Christmas.
80F:
* San Diegans crank up the A/C.
* Seattleites would crank up the A/C too, if any of them actually had A/C.
* Mojave Desert residents start to come out of hibernation.
85F:
* San Diegans start complaining about the heat.
* Los Angelenos crank up the A/C.
90F:
* Death Valley residents celebrate Christmas.
95F:
* Seattleites spend the day prostrate in front of a box fan, wishing to hell they had A/C.
* Pooties everywhere turn into limp noodles.
100F:
* Mojave Desert residents crank up the A/C.
* San Diego declares a state of emergency.
* Los Angelenos start complaining about the heat.
110F:
* Palm Springs residents note that it's hot, "but it's a dry heat."(1) They reschedule their weekly golf games to 7 a.m., when it's a balmy 95F outside.
* San Diegans spontaneously combust.
120F:
* Palm Springs residents start complaining about the heat and stop caring whether it's dry or not.
* Death Valley residents break out the tank tops, shorts and sandals.
[Source: Me]
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Temperature of Heaven
The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C).
The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C.
We have, then, that Heaven, at 525C, is hotter than Hell at 445C.
[Source]
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Advance Diary Whorage: For you Read-Along participants out there, the Read-Along diary for
Jonathan Strange and Mister Norrell (my copy of which, as I write this, Dudley is sleeping on -- see above pic), which was was originally planned for Sunday July 30, will now be posted on Sunday August 6. The management regrets any inconvenience.
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So, how's the weather where
you are?
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(1) Note: With all the swimming pools and golf courses getting watered 24/7, there is no such thing as "dry heat" in Palm Springs anymore. The last time I was there I felt like I was breathing magma. However, the residents there are in complete denial about this, so let this be our little secret, okay?
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