From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Sweeter than a Krispy Kreme smothered in maple syrup and sandwiched between two strawberry Danishes. It's...Late Night Snark:
Jon Stewart: But as some see mayhem and chaos in the violence, [Condoleezza] Rice sees chaos and makes mayhem-ade...
Rice: What we're seeing here, in a sense, is the growing birth pangs of a new Middle East.
Stewart: Birth pangs? Yes, I believe today's contraction took out a city block.
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"Earlier today, former President Bill Clinton campaigned for Senator Joe Lieberman. Clinton got the crowd so worked up that they had trouble sleeping through the Lieberman speech."
---David Letterman
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"Humanitarian aid in the U.S. has begun arriving in Lebanon. The U.S. Government sent 10,000 medical kits, 20,000 blankets, $30 million cash and today the people of New Orleans said: 'They did what?'"
---Jay Leno
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"We won the Miss Universe pageant! Meet Miss Puerto Rico, or as I call her, Miss 'U.S.A.'s Territory with Commonwealth Status' Puerto Rico. She's so beautiful, you almost want to let her vote in federal elections."
---Stephen Colbert
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And one more. Come on Liddy---SLAM that talking point home, baby!!
"Clearly what we're doing is on...we're on offense [in Iraq] so that we...we...fight there...rather than fighting here...in the United States."
---Sen. Elizabeth Dole, beneficiary of Bob Dole's perfectly legal Viagra prescription, last night on Hardball
SWISH! She scores a three-pointer from behind the wingnut line! Nothin' but net!
3...2...1...everybody swelter! Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, July 28, 2006
Note: Starting Monday there will be a $50 fine imposed for anyone who fails to clean up after their dog. You, however, may continue pooping on the sidewalk as usual.
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By the Numbers:
Days `til the Connecticut primary: 11
Days `til the Festival FrancoFun in Lewiston: 7
Percent of global email traffic in June that was spam: 64.8%
(Source: Fortune via The Week magazine)
Percent of Republicans who view "Hillary Clinton" favorably: 16%
Percent who view "Hillary Rodham Clinton" favorably: 23%
(Source: Unnamed April poll in the Harper's Index)
Percent of information on Joe Lieberman's web site that pertains to the U.S. occupation of Iraq: 0%
And from the Department of No-Land Security:
Days the color-coded federal terror alert system has been in place: 1,593
Days spent at terror alert level Blue or Green: 0
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day: Four passengers on the Love Train. More info here.
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CHEERS to grumpy old men. Good column by the Washington Post's David Broder yesterday. Seems the Republicans in his world are turning a little sour:
I first became aware of the spreading discontent on the right in visiting with people in the church social hall after the funeral this spring for Lyn Nofziger, Ronald Reagan's longtime press spokesman and adviser. The comments about the Bush White House people ---who were notable by their absence at the service---startled me.
But since then I have heard the refrain over and over: They never reached out to us. They never thought they needed our help. Now they're in trouble. To hell with them.
Whether or not the complaints are justified, they are epidemic. They are often accompanied, as they were in the case of my weekend visitor, by the comment that everything the White House does seems to be aimed at pleasing only one section of the Republican coalition -- the religious right.
Oh goodie...you finally noticed how it "seems." We hope your 5½-year nap was a pleasant one.
JEERS to Dick Cheney's happy dance. Oil company profits have hit record highs again---Exxon ($10.3 Buh-illion), BP ($6.1 Buh-illion), and Royal Dutch Shell ($7.3 Buh-illion). You might be asking yourself: after making such an obscene amount of money during the difficult occupation of Iraq, do the oil giants plan to give some of it back? The answer is yes. This afternoon their caddies will each get an extra (and extra-crisp) 20-dollar bill.
CHEERS to charred ground beef with ketchup, lettuce and onions between a big `ol bun. On this date in 1900, Louis Lassing invented the Hamburger. Just to piss off the vegans.
CHEERS to Science Friday II: The Sequel. Now here's a breakthrough everyone can agree on! A California company is replacing concrete sidewalks with soft, cushiony ones:
Since 2001, Rubbersidewalks has been grinding thousands of old tires into crumbs, adding chemical binders, and baking the material into sidewalk sections that weigh under 11 pounds per square foot, or a quarter of the weight of concrete. The panels are available in two shades of gray and a terra cotta orange.
Many of the squares have been installed in areas where damage from tree roots, weather and snow removal have required sidewalk replacement or major repairs every three years, said Lindsay Smith, founder and president of Rubbersidewalks. Rubber sidewalks are expected to last seven years or more, Smith said.
The left loves it because it's environmentally friendly. The right loves it because, if the Rapture hits while they're hoofin' it down to the 7-11, they'll enjoy a soft landing.
CHEERS to Art Buchwald. Y'know, I remember reading his columns in the Mount Vernon News as a little kid growing up in Ohio. I didn't get a lot of the humor, but I got enough of it to know that he was a funny guy. So how cool to hear he recently walked away from his death-bed and is enjoying the summer on Martha's Vineyard. Even so, his final resting place is all set for when he does depart: "My ashes are going to be spilled over every Trump building in New York." Heh.
JEERS to the pain, the pain! On July 28, 1865, the American Dental Association proposed its first code of ethics. Celebrate the occasion by sticking a sharp metal pick into the mouth of someone you love (and to show how much you really care, be sure to get under the gumline...).
CHEERS to fun in the sun. Once again, we have absolutely nothing to say about the Israel/Lebanon war except: Tripolians, skip work and hit the beach...your 10-day forecast is lookin' sunny, sunny, sunny! Well, that and "Stop the fighting, you nitwits."
P.S. While the Middle East burns, Condi fiddles plays the piano. Paging Madeline Albright...
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GONG! GONG!! BadaBadaBadaBadaBada... GONG!!!
This is a Fox News Terror Alert. According to our latest graphics, you are going to die from a massive nuclear attack at any moment. And if the nukes don't get you, the supergerms will. Our technical staff is working around the clock to create frightening new captions and music stingers that will make you shit. Meanwhile, join Neil Cavuto at the top of the hour for the hottest stock tips in the emerging Age of Armageddon.
Remember, if your brain isn't frozen with terror, you're not watching Fox News! Now back to Cheers and Jeers...
GONG! GONG!! BadaBadeaBadaBadaBada... GONG!!!
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UM...ICK to Rethuglican golden showers. Yesterday's C&J poll asked the question, "Dogs are to fire hydrants as George W. Bush is to..." Out of over 1,300 votes, 16 of you chose "Condi Rice." Please tell me you didn't include the Lincoln bedroom in that mental picture.
CHEERS to Bill Clinton. Addressing a veterans convention in New Orleans on this date back in 1996, he called on Congress to pass expanded anti-terrorism measures. You don't say.
JEERS to the politics of fear, Part 3,239. 50 years ago Sunday---on July 30, 1956---to ward off evil Communist spirits, the phrase "In God We Trust" became our country's national motto. Because "In Freedom We Trust" didn't quite have that do-as-we-say-or-you'll-go-to-hell ring to it.
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One Year Ago in C&J: July 28, 2005:
CHEERS to David Sirota. In today's must-read, the "sexy, sexy wonk" joins the chorus of Democrats saying "Thhptpthttt!!" to the conservative Democratic Leadership Council. What?? Elections are won outside of the beltway??? Get out!
JEERS to corporate shilliness. 15 House Democrats joined the GOP Sith in voting for the Central American Free Trade Agreement (NAMBLA), which passed 217-215. As Joshua Holland says over at The Gadflyer, "Those 15 Dems should lose their jobs." Unfortunately, they won't be the only ones when this thing kicks in.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to the tubular hit of the summer. Click it...AND CRANK IT! Finally...something to push that incessant "Ya had a bad day..." ditty out of my brain.
Have a great weekend. Call the White House and ask to speak with Stu Piddiddiot. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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