(Snark City, USA) - Evangelical leaders today decried what they claim has become an all-out war on Christmas in July.
Not an official holiday according to the federal or any state or local governments, or major religious denominations for that matter, Christmas in July has nevertheless become an increasingly common event in townships across the country - or at least in "country style" retail outlets in those townships. The sales events typically include clearance sales on non-Christmas items as well as slightly damaged nativity scenes and ceramic Santas and snowmen dressed in down-home attire.
"This is just another example of the anti-Christian sentiment that is rampant in this country," said James Dobson, the founder of Focus on the Family. "Hundreds of people all across the country make snide or insensitive comments about this wonderful extension of the celebration of the Birth of Christ. It is an outrage and we will tolerate it no longer."
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(War on Christmas in July cont.)
Dobson and other evangelical leaders have received vocal support for their complaints from a number of the countries foremost conservative commentators, including Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, and Sean Hannity.
"The leftists in this country think it's just freakin' dandy to take pot shots at discount religious paraphernalia," O'Reilly screamed last night on his television talk show.
O'Reilly was screaming at Paul Dobson -- no relation to Focus on the Family's Dobson -- who just the night before, as part of a comedy routine during open mike night at the Laugh Shack in Monroeville, Pa., talked dismissively of how his now-deceased and foul-mouthed grandmother used to purchase all of her holiday decorations during Christmas in July events. "The price," he recounted her proclaiming, "is like a sore pecker... ya' can't beat it."
In response to the War on Christmas in July, O'Reilly called for the public to protest all open-mike or amateur nights at comedy clubs across the country.
"We may not be able to stop the average person from making fun of Christmas in July during everyday conversation - although we're working with Fox Security to investigate ways of possibly doing that - but we believe this protest will teach a lesson to these secular, anti-Christian, open-mikists who think it's okay to make fun of these wonderful retail events where true believers can get kitschy holiday Christmas crap... I mean, respectable holiday... I mean, Christmas decorative items that honor the sacrifice that Jesus made," O'Reilly said.
The Pope, who also is reported to be outraged by the War on Christmas in July, could not be reached for comment. According to an unnamed, high-ranking Vatican official, the Pope lost a World Cup related bet - he took his home-country Germans over the Italian team - and was busy reciting 10,000 Hail Marys, but replacing references to the All Mighty in the prayer with the names of members of the Italian side. [For example, "Hail Mary, full of grace, Francesco Totti is with thee..."]
Asked to comment on the protest, Mike Schroeder, a 42-year-old IT support professional for a nonprofit medical association in Washington, D.C., who often performs at open-mike nights in the D.C. metro area, said: "Well, there usually aren't too many people on the amateur nights. Do you think if we gave the protesters, like, discount admission prices and little baby Jesuses, they might come in?"
Finally, Sen. Sam Brownback, R-KS, a leading evangelical leader in Congress, announced last night that he would introduce legislation to amend the FISA law and give the president the authority to direct the NSA to eavesdrop on the phone calls of those suspected of being the kind of person who would make fun of Christmas in July.
"There is no excuse for this sort of anti-Christian behavior," Sen. Brownback said. "These people ought to be shot. That's how Jesus would have wanted it."