Washington, DC (Snark) -- Homeland Security Czar Michael Chertoff announced that in light of this week's British air terrorism plot, Ned Lamont's victory over Joe Lieberman in the Connecticut Democratic Senate primary, and news that bomb-making equipment comes in both liquid and solid forms, American air travelers will be prohibited from bringing anything in either form on-board for flights originating in American airports.
"Sure, we've known about the threat of liquid bomb-making materials for years," said Chertoff. "And we've let millions of passengers fly on millions of flights with millions of liquids, from beverages to toiletries to bodily fluids, in their possession. But in the middle of this week, right after the Lieberman loss, I mean, right after the British bomb scare, we decided that it was a huge security problem. The Vice President himself asked if it was possible that not just liquids, but solids, could be used to make bombs, and we realized that there was true, so we had to act."
The threat of liquid bomb-making materials has been known of for so long by international security authorities that the Bush Administration's TSA didn't even spend all the money allocated for such research last year, and in fact, tried to cut spending for research this year by six million dollars. The existence of bomb-making materials in solid form surprised the Bush Administration, which had failed to anticipate the existence of such explosives previously in Iraq, among other places.
"No need to get shirty, Cherty," said President George W. Bush, on a conference call with Chertoff for public appearances. "If there's a chance something could explode, we've got to keep it off the plane, whether it's liquid or solid, and I'm glad to see American airlines overreacting as usual. I'm sure the British would have liked to let this plot develop, so they could have their own 9/11, but once my good friend Joe Lieberman lost the Connecticut Democratic primary to Ned Lamont, they didn't have a moment to lose. Once the terrorists heard about the Lamont victory, god knows how they would have wanted to celebrate. Probably by blowing up even more planes."
A spokesman for the British government politely demurred. "First of all, we don't want to have our own 9/11, because we'd rather not have three thousand of our citizens killed in a terror attack, as helpful as some people think that would be towards consolidating political power. Second, we had plenty of time to infiltrate this group of plotters, and I doubt that your average Muslim terrorists know who Ned Lamont or Joe Lieberman are, or care. We managed to foil this plot with good old-fashioned law enforcement within the bounds of law. If that makes us unimaginative and insufficiently capable of politicizing the war on terror, so be it."
A spokesman for the ACLU condemned the Bush Administration for banning solids as well as liquids. "First they came for our shoes," he said, citing a desire to remain anonymous to stay off the no-fly list. "Then they came for our liquids. Now that they're coming for our solids, who will speak for the solids? The shoes and liquids cannot. Soon there will be only naked people on planes." Waving a fundraising letter from the RNC, his voice rose. "This is yet another example of the Bush Administration choosing to repress American civil liberties instead of enforcing the law and protecting us from terrorism. Why haven't they caught Osama Bin Laden? Why do they prefer going after domestic opponents to pursuing terrorists? Why do they-" he said, before being taken away by four men with earpieces.
Bush's new spokesman Tony Snow denied that Administration had politicized the war on terror, even after Dick Cheney said that the terrorists were probably rooting for Ned Lamont, just as they'd rooted for John Kerry, and would probably stage more attacks unless Americans kept voting for Bush and donating money to the RNC. "Of course," said Snow, "any no-fly list that's got Ted Kennedy on it can't be all bad, right?"