From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
A quick check on airport security:
Liquids and gels have been banned in carry-on baggage. This is silly and ineffective. But aren't ya glad they thought of it 5 years after 9/11?
X-ray machines are reliable tools to detect explosives in shoes. Except the, uh...Liquid or gel kind.
Cargo is still not inspected nearly enough. Packages under 16 ounces don't even require paperwork. (The explosion aboard Pan Am flight 103 was caused by a device that weighed less than 16 ounces).
The Muslims-only line---underwritten by FOX News---still hasn't been set up yet, dammit. And new TSA officer Mike Gallagher hasn't shown up to begin the Muslims-only full-body-cavity searches. (Apparently he's still finishing his temp job as a nursery school crossing guard.)
Meanwhile, the TSA is under strict orders not to touch any passenger's monkey, no matter what might be ticking inside its ass.
I feel safer. How `bout you?
Cheers and Jeers thumbs a ride in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and A Jeer for Thursday, August 17, 2006
Note: The next time you get the urge to shake hands with yourself, squeeze firmly---you'll be bolstered by your confidence.
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By the Numbers:
Days `til Snakes on a Plane: 1
Number of letters in ophidiphobia: 12
Storage capacity of Wal-Mart's secret data center on the Arkansas/Missouri border: 460 terabytes
The amount of information on the Internet: 23 terabytes
(Source: Details)
Length of blades on 28 windmills being built on Maine's Mars Hill Mountain: 115 feet
Number of homes the energy from the windmills will power: 45,000
(Source: Portland Press Herald)
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day: From page 31 of the Official Puppy Instruction Manual: Always poop in the bad Republican's yard. (And you humans would do well to remember that, too.)
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CHEERS to mandate FEVER! In the latest Zogby poll, President Bush clocks in at a blistering 34 percent. The number would've been higher, but they only polled Americans who could find America on a map.
CHEERS to the ravings of a lunatic mind. In his first public radio interview since, um, 1964, Bill in Portland Maine delivers blistering commentary on Maine's WMPG. If you last the entire hour without falling asleep, you're drinking way too much coffee.
CHEERS to CNN. Yesterday afternoon their home page featured the blisteringly snarky headline: Senator's `macaca' becomes a monkey on his back. Meanwhile, it looks like fallout from the George Felix Allen Junior kerfuffle is still falling out. Remember: any right-winger with racist tendencies from now on should be labeled a "Macaca Republican." That has the sweetest ring to it.
CHEERS to diplomatic gestures. To show their solidarity with all the blisteringly-maligned Macacas in America, a group of Chinese squirrel monkeys staged a tribute to the flag-raising on Iwo Jima. Um...thanks?
CHEERS to real trouble for the fake media. The FCC has begun a blistering investigation of 77 TV stations who air "news stories" without revealing that they're really pre-packaged PR fluff pieces. That's gonna cause some makeup to run in the newsroom.
CHEERS to things that go clank. On this date in 1835, after months of blistering work, Solyman Merrick of Springfield, MA patented the wrench. And we've been throwing them into the works ever since.
CHEERS to Hamburger Helper. Leave it to the Germans to work on a new drug that helps prevent blistering stupidity:
Hans-Hilger Ropers, director at Max-Planck-Institute for Molecular Genetics in Berlin, is testing a pill aimed at improving short-term memory and attentiveness by preventing hyperactivity in certain brain cells.
"With mice and fruit flies, we were able to eliminate the loss of short-term memory," Ropers, 62, is quoted saying in Bild newspaper, which has dubbed Ropers' project the "world's first anti-stupidity pill."
The moment it's approved, all Bush supporters will have their prescriptions rushed to them via FedEx.
CHEERS to catching the [alleged] bad guy. Ten years after the death of JonBenet Ramsey, an arrest was made in Thailand. That sound you hear is every ratings-hungry cable news anchor having a blistering simultaneous orgasm.
JEERS to rude surprises. Honest to God, I found a fly in my blisteringly-hot butternut squash soup yesterday at lunch. Administering mouth to mouth was a bitch.
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One Year Ago in C&J: August 17, 2005...
CHEERS to George Clooney. Good buzz is, um, buzzing over his second directorial feature, Good Night. And Good luck. Michael at Americablog describes it as a "smart, entertaining look at the showdown between the fear-mongering Sen. Joe McCarthy (seen only in vintage news clips) and crusading journalist Edward R. Murrow (a great, controlled David Strathairn)." If McCarthy fan Ann Coulter sees it, she may go batshit crazy. Oops...too late.
CHEERS to good eats. Laura Bush just hired the first female White House head chef Cristeta Comerford. In light of the way Bush's second term is going, they only had to ask her one question: "How many ways can you cook crow?"
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And just one more...
CHEERS to Bud & Lou, Stan & Ollie...and Jon & Stephen. The Daily Show/Colbert Report hosts launched into a blistering slapstick routine (complete with fake mustache!) Monday night that had us in stitches. But unlike the targets---Geraldo and Bill O'Reilly---they actually have to work hard at being looney.
Floor's open... What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless Testimonial:
"Ultimately, Cheers and Jeers is not quite the horror masterpiece or social statement triumph that "Dawn of the Dead" was. But it's a great way to kill some time while killing some zombies."
---Winda Benedetti
MSNBC
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