If a Democrat is not elected president in 2008, I'll eat my hat. Hell, if a Democrat is not elected president in 2008, I'll probably have to.
We've all gone beyond the worry that a Democratic leader is going to inherit the biggest bag of fuckedupness since Franklin Delano Roosevelt: Iraq, huge national debt, government agencies in disarray, New Orleans still a mess, global warming getting hotter, health care a disaster, corporations and corruption run amok, a looming energy crisis. That's a mere skim off the top. The country is a mess.
But -- who knew? -- it could all boil down to what people are wearing for their congressional testimony this season, the catchiness of a campaign theme song, or whether Hillary reminds voters of their ex-wives.
Follow me for some gratuitous dish, if you wish.
The campaign has started, and the American public is already getting a heavy dose of Republican sexual dysfunction dialogue. Coulter calls Edwards a faggot, Limbaugh says Hillary "puts her pants on one leg at a time just like any other guy." These are not your father's conservatives, all right. They're drug-addled, repressed perverts. http://mediamatters.org/...
All fashion all the time
Republicans also really, really get into the fashion thing. Talking about it, I mean. Which is totally weird, because if you want to see a uniformly badly dressed group of people, it's Republicans. Try calling the Heritage Foundation when it's sale day at Talbot's ... ring ... ring ... ring.
Here at dKos we're blogging about the critical issues that face our country and the world. On the day a poster here provided the blow-by-blow of the Valerie Plame testimony, the Washington Post's Mary Ann Akers (aka "The Sleuth" - oh, do tell) offered this:
Plame showed up at the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform decked out in Armani Collezioni. An undercover black-belt fashion consultant, who also knows the outed CIA agent and her husband, Joe Wilson, would bet the farm that Plame was wearing either the 2005 or 2006 collection of Armani, a fetching jacket and pants (even if too newly outdated to qualify as vintage.) Still, a classy choice. Expensive but not trendy. And made to look elegant on anyone.
http://blog.washingtonpost.com/...
Ok, I confess. I really, really hope Gore gets into the race so we can talk about mock turtlenecks again.
Then there is the issue of campaign songs. Reagan, of course, famously used Bruce Springsteen’s "Born in the USA" as his campaign tune in 1984. Never mind lyrics like "Got in a little hometown jam/So they put a rifle in my hand/Sent me off to a foreign land/To go and kill the yellow man."
Some dish, some thoughts, some advice ...
EDWARDS
Sure, John, the freepers are all agog about your hair. Don't let it faze you. They're freaking jealous. Look who the GOP has: balding Darth Cheney, and a bunch of guys who look like they're wearing borrowed toupees. The best Republican hair growth we've seen lately is the moustache on Harriet Miers.
OBAMA
The no-tie, casual shirt and jacket look works. Obama is smooth like Denzel Washington and smart like your favorite college professor -- that's a one-two punch that will have freepers over-reaching to invent "Obama went to a madrassa" and "Obama is a practicing muslim" stories ... er, oops, guess they already did that. The theme song is groovy, too -- the old Jackie Wilson hit "Your Love is Liftin' Me Higher." Watch for GOP exposes on the significance of "Love," then "Liftin'" and then "Higher." Can't wait.
CLINTON
She doesn't sound like MY ex-wife (but then, I've never had one). Actually, I think Hillary should stop trying to prove she has balls to please Republicans. Americans are tired of autocratic Daddy-speak, and besides -- Dad talked a good game, then ended up growing a beard, buying a Corvette, and running away with his secretary. If a woman can't win unless she acts like a man, we got bigger fish to fry. The Iraq vote thing needs to be cleared up. [Hillary, it's ok to make a mistake. Be a girl now, and admit it (and fix it) like Mom would.] The GOP won't focus on Iraq, of course, but they could attack Hillary's clothes. Someone needs to help with her suit jackets -- they're all ill-fitting around the upper arms. That's a heads-up before Limbaugh starts in -- he hates women who have bigger biceps than he does.
DODD
Here is the guy who brought us the Family Medical Leave Act and stood up to Bush on torture. He's using "Get Ready" by The Temptations as campaign crowd pleaser. Hope he's ready for GOP attacks if he manages to gain any traction. Sure, Dodd got campaign contributions from Enron and Arthur Andersen (few didn't). But here's where freepers will hit: the hair doesn't match the eyebrows. And don't those eyebrows look kinda ... well ... Muslim?
GRAVEL
If wisdom had its place in presidential elections, Gravel would be higher on the list of true contenders. He's the national hero that nobody knows [In 1971, Gravel played a key role in the release of the Pentagon Papers — a large collection of secret government documents pertaining to the Vietnam War — which were made public by former Defense Department analyst Daniel Ellsberg. Gravel's filibuster inserted more than 4,000 pages of the Papers into the Congressional Record.] But he was born in 1930. If elected, he'd be the oldest president ever. Republicans who like their leaders to nap during meetings [Cheney] or nurse a full-blown case of Alzheimer's [Reagan] may secretly root for Gravel. He hasn't announced a campaign song (in contention: "Puff the Magic Dragon." Ask a boomer Kossack).
RICHARDSON
In many ways, Richardson is the most experienced and savvy of the Democratic crop. But not so fast. The New York Times' republican-in-columnist's-clothing David Brooks says Richardson is "baggy-faced, sloppy (we like our leaders well groomed), shamelessly ambitious and inelegant. On the other hand, once a century or so the Democratic Party actually nominates somebody the average person would like to have a beer with."
http://www.postbulletin.com/... What's with the GOP and this having-a-beer-with thing? Sure, Brooks likes Richardson now (cuz he really, really hates Clinton and Obama). But just watch -- if Richardson wins New Hampshire, he will become "the alcoholic Democrat."
BIDEN
If the presidency went to the guy who wanted it the most, Biden would be higher on the list of contenders. Campaign song? John Fogerty’s "Centerfield." ("Oh, put me in coach/I’m ready to play/today.") Watch for goopers to criticize his hair (note to Joe: get a haircut. Use your MBNA card).
Final Word
It's gonna be a long campaign season. Get ready for 2,852 polls asking the question: Is America ready to elect a). a woman? b). an African-American? c). a Morman? d). a man who invited his mistress to share the mansion? d). a really, really old person? e). a can of pork and beans?
Chris Rock is ready. http://www.nbc.com/...
Here's the gem:
In the latest issue of Life magazine, featuring Chris on the cover, Rock is asked, "Is this country ready for an African American president?" Rock answered, "It's ready for a retarded president, why wouldn't it be ready for an African American president?" http://newsblogs.chicagotribune.com/...
Now THAT's cutting through the campaign bullshit to the heart of the matter.