August 2 - August 5, 1994
Here's what's happening. I'm working on my auto-biographical creation, which requires resurrection of the past. This is part of that. All is as it was then, except You Are There.
I had my sex reassignment surgery (SRS) scheduled for August 9, 1994. It was to be performed by Dr. Eugene Schrang (doesn't he look straight out of Dark Shadows?) at the Theda Clark Medical Center in Neenah, WI. Neenah is known, I'm sure among other things, for being the home of Kimberly Clark Corporation (yes, Theda was one of those Clarks), as a center for sex reassignment, and for where manhole covers come from.
I had noticed that most transwomen sort of "disappeared" during the months immediately before surgery, perhaps withdrawing inward as the surgery date approached. I decided that I would delay that "withdrawal point" as long as possible. There are 32 entries in the series (there was no entry for July 23). They are offered in the hope that someone somewhere will find them useful.
So I kept an online diary. There was this new Web thing after all, so I might as well see what use it could be put to. They were also posted to some email lists.
The technology has improved. So I am reformatting for this new-fangled blog thing, rather than that proto-blog. Some links will be added, as well as possibly, some commentary.
Twice a week makes more sense. Wednesdays and Sundays have been chosen for a start. Past editions are here.
Date: Tuesday, 2 Aug 1994
Dear Diary,
I just got back from what is going to have to pass as my going away party. It was fun, even though not really a party.
Last night I had trouble sleeping. I woke up with a very gassy stomach and didn't have any maalox or mylanta in the house. I made myself a piece of toast and tried to go back to sleep. The attempt was pretty much unsuccessful until I turned on C‑Span and watched the Whitewater hearings for a little bit. I guess they are good for something after all.
Having been awake for about an hour to 90 minutes last night, I slept in until about 10am, later than I have in ages. I got up and decided to dress up a bit for group. I showered, washed my hair, picked out a matching skirt and top that I wear to teach in sometimes, and fixed my hair up a bit. Then I walked to school before putting on my make‑up (one does not spend a lot of time outside in August in Arkansas with make‑up on unless one has the constitution of a reptile). I spent some time going through my email, talking to a few colleagues, and putting the make‑up on, getting done well before Janet picked me up at 3:30.
Janet has been a real friend for the past year, letting me borrow her car or giving me rides places. I invited her to dinner after group and she accepted.
Group was nice. :-) I got a chance to say goodbye to most of my friends and got hugged by lots of people. Several of my friends decided to go out to dinner with us. I felt a little sorry for Janet (who is a heterosexual genetic woman) having to dine with 3 MtF and 2 FtM transsexuals, one drag queen, a gay genetic male, two genetic woman lesbians, and one other het woman who's boyfriend is FtM. But she didn't seem to mind being in such a strange group. I'm glad. :-)
I talked a bit to Michelle, a post-op from Hot Springs (but originally Boston) who went to Menard. She is a little too off the wall for me though [I later discovered from friends in Boston that they thought she was nutso when she was there.--ed]. I also spoke a bit to Kathy, who is not yet full time (just starting to venture out in public). She still reminds me a lot about me during my early days in transition.
All in all, it was a fairly fun night, and when Janet and I had to leave for the drive back to Conway, I got a lot more hugs and well‑wishes. It wasn't exactly the party I would have liked to have had, but it came close.
Janet brought me back to school and I gave her a big hug and thanked her for being there for me.
Love and Peace,
Robyn
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Date: Wednesday, 3 Aug 1994
Dear Diary:
I think I'm finally starting to get a few butterflies in my stomach. I was talking to Karen on the phone this morning and noticed them. It feels just like it used to feel before a game when I used to play basketball or when I would be pitching in a baseball game. It's also not unlike the first time I ever flew on a plane. Oh, well...a little nervousness is probably a good thing.
Karen and Randall [Karen and Randall are a married couple from San Diego. Karen is MtF and Randall is FtM.] are going to be visiting tomorrow night on their way to Heber Springs. That will be nice. :-) I guess I get to really play the part of the hostess. I think I even have some coffee in the freezer from when April was here. Then again, Karen and Randall asked about places to eat here and I mentioned that there wouldn't be that many places open that late and the best among them was probably the Waffle House, so we might dine out.
Pam called to tell me that she realized just this morning that she couldn't take me to the airport as planned because she had National Guard drill this weekend. I'll find someone else tonight or tomorrow, I'm sure.
I talked with Tracey and Alicyn online today and it looks like everything is straightened out for the trip. Alicyn will arrive in Wisconsin by bus on Saturday and she and Tracey will pick me up at the airport in Appleton on Sunday and spend the day with me, with Alicyn staying over until Monday.
One thing that did pop into my mind today unwelcome was the realization that no one whom I work with has asked for the address of the hospital. Never in the 10 years I have worked here has someone from the department had major surgery, or even minor hospitalization, for that matter, without being acknowledged by a card and flowers. I know because I remember an awful lot of $2 to $5 donations in those years. Once again, though, since I am not to receive any "special treatment," I don't get "normal treatment." I guess I didn't really expect any better, since the secretary is the one that always takes care of these things, and she can't even manage to use the correct pronouns when she takes messages for me. :-/ One more event that shows that I am definitely not appreciated here.
Love and Peace,
Robyn
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Date: Thursday, 4 Aug 1994
Dear Diary:
There's only a couple of days until my last entry to you for awhile. I leave Conway in 59 hours, so I'll be logging off of my lists on Saturday. Tomorrow, I have to have my mail forwarded to the unix machine so that I will be able to access it remotely.
Today has been a work day. I made notes for the people covering my classes, especially for Fred, who's covering the Abstract Algebra class.
I also printed off the helpful hints that I have gotten from Kristin, Allison, Christy, and Karen.
I spent the majority of the day cleaning my apartment in preparation for the arrival of Karen and Randall. Well, I actually spent more time watching The Neverending Story, Columbo, and Mrs. Columbo on television. :-)
But the apartment is almost clean, except for the bathtub and a little vacuuming. I'll finish that soon and probably take a nap before they get here at 11pm.
I also need to make a few more phone calls looking for rides. Hallie's truck broke down on the freeway last week, so Plan B failed. Several of my friends are going camping together this weekend, so there went plans C through ? I'm still hoping that Dee or Ronny can give me a ride, so I'll call them tonight. It's not a big worry because Steve said he would take me if I can't find someone else, but I would rather not bother him since that would mean he would have to wake Sarah up at an ungodly hour of the morning. I'll be leaving town at 5:30am.
At least I've had enough to do to keep busy, so I haven't had time to dwell on getting nervous. :-)
Tomorrow there is one last run to the bank and a bit of shopping to do. Saturday, I'll be doing laundry one last time before I go. I think spreading out the things to do is overall a good idea. I wish I had thought of it earlier.
Love and Peace,
Robyn (who is 90% packed already)
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Date: Friday, 5 Aug 1994
Dear Diary,
It's amazing how quickly the apparent passage of time can change. A few days ago it was barely moving at all. Now, it seems to be rushing by.
I had dinner with Karen and Randall at the Waffle House on their pass through town last night. It was an interesting experience. They are both quite nice, but I suspect they were both rather uneasy with the location of our meeting. I guess I don't notice the stares anymore. They obviously did. I guess they weren't totally aware of what I mean when I say that everyone in town knows all about me.
Last night was another night of tossing and turning. My nerves are getting a little frazzled, I guess. It seems to be more apparent when I am in a semi-conscious state then when I am awake. When conscious, I seem very much at peace. Maybe it's like Sarah said...the nervousness is very deep, almost unnoticeable, but there.
Today I walked downtown again, deposited a check at the bank and mailed some letters. After lunch at the Grecian Cafe, I did some shopping at The Poppy Patch, the "new age"/party supply store in Conway. I bought a copy of The Tao and Mother Goose as Jen's birthday present and bought a copy of Writing Down the Bones for me. Then I walked over to school.
I stopped by to say goodbye to Peggy B and had a nice chat. I should do that more often, except that she always asks about Becky (my ex-wife). Peggy has been a good friend, though she really should stop trying to get me to go for plastic surgery. I did find out that her sister does zapping [electrolysis-ed] though, and is going to be coming to Conway to do it 1 day a month starting soon. Peggy thinks she'll give me a reasonable rate and I can probably get about 3 hours at a time.
I walked over to my office after saying goodbye and had Ron arrange to have my mail forwarded automatically to [deleted]. I spent a couple of hours trying to learn to use the mailer there, with some success.
Steve is going to be taking me to the airport on Sunday morning. Neither Dee nor Todd called me back. I suspect that they both may be out of town for the week.
So, where am I? I'm in a good place mentally. I'm ready. The door is there before me and I am ready to step through it. The attendants are gathering...Alicyn is on her way to Wisconsin to meet me and Tracey is already there. They will be with me the last few feet. Then I will step through it alone. But I will not be entirely alone. The thoughts of all my friends will be with me...both them thinking of me and me thinking of them. And those that have proceeded me are there to welcome me on the other side...as I will be there to welcome those who will follow me.
It has been an interesting 679 days. There is much I did wrong, much more that I did right. I have learned.
Love and Peace,
Robyn