I came out late in life (at 35). I'm not sure why, but even though I was attracted to guys, and my friends and family were good liberals, I was fearful of how I would be seen if I revealed my sexuality.
I thought that gay guys all liked to dance and really enjoyed interior design.
I hate to dance (one of the first things I told my partner is that I don't dance. Never. Ever.). I don't enjoy decorating or shopping.
In my world, being gay meant that you fit into every gay stereotype that exists.
My thinking was really fucked up, and I'm glad that I finally got over it.
Given that context, the Larry Craig situation was fascinating to me. The guy is obviously gay, but so far in the closet that he can't see it.
I remember meeting guys like Craig and maybe I was a little like him when I thought "I like to have sex w/men, but that doesn't make me gay."
What complete and utter bullshit!
But, like I said, that is in my past (and no, I never looked for sex in a public restroom).
But anyway, back to the point.
This evening, I came across this article on Andrew Sullivan's blog. He linked to this from a young gay conservative who decided to come out in order to avoid the fate of Larry Craig.
Let's take a look at what he wrote:
As a Republican, I fully supported Senator Larry Craig a few days ago when he defiantly told the press he wasn't gay, despite the fact he'd recently pleaded guilty to soliciting sex in a public bathroom.
Back in high school, I tortured myself trying not to look at the other boys changing clothes in the locker room after long, humid hours running the track field.
But like Craig, I wasn't gay either - I had added my name to a petition asking the school to prevent a gay/straight alliance club from forming.
In college, I'd find a deserted corner of the campus library to read back issues of Out and The Advocate, two of the country's most popular gay lesbian bisexual and transgendered magazines, praying to God that no one would see me.
I hate that I understand where this writer is coming from. Though I never was actively anti-gay, I do recall sneaking reads from gay magazines while in bookstores. I was so afraid of running into someone I knew while I was perusing a copy of the Advocate or any other magazine with a gay theme. I was even too afraid to go to the gay and lesbian section of Borders out of fear that I would run into someone and my secret would be revealed.
The writer tells us more:
On perfectly bright afternoons, I like cruising through highways with friends while we throw words like "fag" and "queer" at each other as though they were silly insults, not to be taken seriously. By night, I do a different kind of cruising, driving to local gay clubs by myself whenever I feel particularly lonely. But I wasn't gay.
Yeah, I remember that BS. I'd pretend to chase after women, but then go to a gay bar when my straight friends went home.
The fear of being 'caught' can be an all-consuming paranoia for those who live in the closet. An outing can make one afraid of not being accepted, of losing friendships and loves, of being treated with contempt or humiliation. But the biggest fear is a personal one: fear of confronting who you are.
Again, he got that right. I was terrified of being "caught."
I also still believe in the primacy of individual choices. Craig has decided to conform to his party's view on homosexuality and stay in the shadow. I support his right to choose that life for himself.
What I can no longer support is choosing that life for me.
As I mentioned, I made the decision to come out some six years ago. Lying and sneaking didn't become me. Since I came out, life has become happier and more sane than it ever was.
If you are gay and afraid to come out, I hope that you decide to come out rather than continuing to live your life in the shadows.