From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
A New... [Bonk!] Way... [Bonk!] Forward... [Bonk!]
Tonight President Bush will deliver to the nation "his most important speech ever."
I know it's "his most important speech ever" because every time he gives a televised speech the traditional media mouthpieces always call it "his most important speech ever." Tonight will be no different.
Unfortunately, every "most important speech ever" has, so far, turned out to be an anticlimactic affair, full of factually-challenged rhetoric and platitudes ("go shopping!") that tend to slip into the ether of irrelevance almost before they've had a chance to exit your TV screen.
Tonight President Bush is going to call for an escalation (some call it a "surge," others call it a "punt") of hostilities in Iraq. These hostilities will likely steer clear of Muqtada al Sadr's ruthless goons, thus allowing the Shiites to continue waging civil war against Sunni death squads who are just as ruthless. During his speech the president will lean on the word "sacrifice." But he will not call on young Americans to sacrifice by enlisting because, well, let's not get crazy.
And many of the Very Important People inside the beltway will gaze upon the president and weigh "his most important speech ever" carefully. They will furrow their brows and moisten their lips and set their jaws and clutch their Parker pens. And then they will grant him "six more months, nine tops, but no more than twelve" to have his "one last shot," thus allowing the meat grinder to continue operating at full capacity. And every American soldier who dies (six months = 500 deaths and 8,000 wounded, but who's counting) will be sacrificing his or her life for a mistake. And the deep-thinking pundits will say it's "awful, just awful, but what other choice do we have?"
So Bush will read the poll-tested words on his Teleprompter. And, barring a serious show of spine by the Democratic leadership, he will have his escalation of hostilities. And the Very Important People will continue to tell us why we should be patient for just a little bit longer. And we will shop. And the White House will spin. And the insurgents will adjust their tactics. And our soldiers will keep dying. And the Young Republicans will come up with shiny new excuses for why they can't sign up to fight in the war they've supported with religious fervor since the beginning. And lefty bloggers who have been absolutely correct on everything war-related since before it began will be accused of being shrill. And it will be déjà vu all over again.
But, hey..."Those weapons of mass destruction have got to be here somewhere!"
Cheers and Jeers starts in There’s Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Note: Gifts are now banned in Congress, but they are still accepted in C&J. At the top of our wish list: a pair of gay turtles.
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By the Numbers:
Days ‘til Martin Luther King, Jr. Day: 5
Days 'til the Chinese New Year: 39
Number of jobs John Negroponte has had in the Bush administration in the last five years: 4
(Source: War and Piece)
Number of bills signed into law during the 109th Congress: 383
Percent of them that named or re-named federal buildings: Over 25%
(Source: CNN via The Week)
Hours left on the Democrats' 100-hour clock: 93 hours, 40 minutes
Mid-week Rapture Index: 162 (including 5 floods and 2 tribulation temples.) Soul Protection Factor 12 Sonscreen is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day: Thugs.
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CHEERS to starting the 100-hour clock. The House convened yesterday and, for the first time in eons, they actually did the people's business:
The first item on the House Democrats' "100 hours" legislative agenda, a measure to implement some of the recommendations of the 9/11 commission, passed on Tuesday evening. The vote was 299-128. Nearly 70 Republicans crossed party lines to vote for the package. [...]
"If this bill ... is enacted, funded and implemented, then the American people will be safer," [9/11 Commission co-chair Lee] Hamilton said Monday. Hamilton, a former Democratic House member, estimated that about half of the commission's recommendations have not yet been put into place. "We are---all of us on the 9/11 commission---deeply pleased that the speaker and the leadership of the House have decided to put this bill forward with the No. 1 designation," Hamilton said.
That sound you hear is the "Dems are weak on terrorism" myth shattering into a million slivers.
CHEERS to stopping the insanity (or at least trying). Seemingly hopped up on a case of Red Bull, Ted Kennedy issued a thunderous reminder to his fellow members of Congress that, in matters of gunplay, the president ain’t a king. Afterwards the senator chatted with reporters while munching from a bowl of rusty nails.
HEH... to fortifying the parapets. The White House is lawyering up in anticipation of blistering Congressional investigations, and who do they pick to fill Harriet Miers' stilettos? Fred Fielding, once tasked with shielding Nixon during the Watergate scandal. May the current presidency end the same way as that little kerfuffle.
CHEERS to waking up. Even though the AP tries to pad their article with excuses, at least someone finally noticed that the president's record on jobs kinda sucks:
The U.S. economy has cranked out fewer jobs under President George W. Bush---by millions---than it had by the same point in the presidencies of Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton. ... Under Bush, the economy produced 3.7 million new jobs from January 2001 through December of last year based on nonfarm payroll figures collected by the Labor Department's Bureau of Labor Statistics. [...]
When Clinton was in the White House, the economy generated 17.6 million jobs during the corresponding period---from January 1993 to December 1998. Under Reagan, 9.5 million jobs were created from January 1981 to December 1986.
So, dear media, the next time you hear Bush or one of his flunkies citing that ridiculous "7.2 million jobs since August of 2003" number, feel free to tell 'em where to stick it.
JEERS to fleecing the flock. Oh what a ---yawn---surprise: a new Villanova study finds that, in 85 percent of Catholic dioceses, a lot of money goes from collection plate to Father Flannigan's pockets. I'm tellin' God! I'm tellin' God! Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah...!!
JEERS to reform at the speed of tortoise. On January 10, 1878, a constitutional amendment was introduced in the Senate that would give women the right to vote. The amendment was so slow to catch on that it wasn't signed into law for another 42 years. Who says men are insecure?
CHEERS to Empire State I-dos. New York Governor George Pataki Eliot Spitzer says that, even though he didn’t mention it in his State of the State speech, his long-range agenda still includes legalizing same-sex marriage. If you see someone down on their knees praying today, it's probably a professional wedding planner.
MILD CHEERS to...are you sitting down?...Ted Stevens. The ancient Alaska Senator, best known for calling the internet a "series of tubes," proposed legislation last week to raise gas mileage standards from 27 to 40 miles-per-gallon. [Polite golf clap] But c'mon...in increments of one mpg per year until 2017? Lame.
JEERS to a tidal wave of broken bodies. Linda Bilmes of the Kennedy School of Government at Harvard has good news and bad news. Good news: better equipment means more Iraq and Afghan troops are surviving injuries on the battlefield. Bad news: with 16 troops injured for every one killed (vs. 3-to-1 during Korea and Vietnam), VA hospitals are facing overwhelming numbers:
So far, more than 200,000 veterans from Iraq and Afghanistan have been treated at VA medical facilities---three times what the VA projected, according to a Government Accountability Office analysis. More than one-third of them have been diagnosed with mental health conditions, including post-traumatic stress disorder, acute depression and substance abuse. Thousands more have crippling disabilities such as brain or spinal injuries.
Meanwhile, President Bush wants $100 billion in "emergency" funds to keep the conveyor belt of carnage going. I suggest that Congress approve it---exclusively for the treatment of our wounded. All those in favor, extend your middle finger in the direction of the White House.
CHEERS to those darn cut-and-run Republicans. Democratic control of the Senate Judiciary Committee means no more wingnut judges will be approved during the remainder of Bush's term. So it's no surprise that four of his appeals court nominees are taking their gavel and going home. But thanks for playing!
JEERS to lazy asses. In their tribute to the inventor of Ramen noodles, who died last week, the New York Times whines that, comparatively, making Kraft macaroni and cheese turns the kitchen into a gulag:
You have to boil the macaroni, stir it to prevent sticking and determine through some previously obtained expertise when it is "done." You must separate water from noodles using a specialized tool, a colander, and to complete the dish---such an insult---you have to measure and add the fatty deliciousness yourself, in the form of butter and milk that Kraft assumes you already have on hand. All that effort, plus the cleanup, is hardly worth it.
Silly gooses...don’t they know what spouses are for??
CHEERS to the iPHONE!!!! It slices! It dices! It makes julian fries at the touch of a button! Turn it upside down and it becomes an all-in-one tire inflator and grout remover! Place a pork roast in the chamber and then..."set it and forget it!!" But wait, there's more! Make deposits and withdrawals with the handy ATM feature! Twist on the rotor attachment and to turn it into your own personal CommuterCopter™! Or add the exclusive Nipple 3.0 and feed your infant 100% pure breastmilk for up to 10 minutes while playing the latest single from Beyonce! And somewhere on it I think there's a phone. How quaint.
JEERS to not paying attention. On January 10, 2001, President-(not)elect Bush and his "national security" team (Condi Rice and two street mimes) received a top-secret Pentagon briefing on military challenges around the world. We suspect they tuned out somewhere around, "Now listen carefully, this is important..."
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One Year Ago in C&J: January 10, 2006...
EH, WHATEVER to Day 1. The Senate judiciary committee's confirmation hearings of Samuel Alito began yesterday. Round 1 summary:
"Let's see. I'm an Aries. I love puppies, snowflakes, female subjugation, folk music, an imperial presidency and slumber parties. I think Nick is a creep and Jessica should make him pay! Does my Scooby Doo tank top make me look fat...?"
Maybe tomorrow Senator Coburn will shut up and let the nominee speak.
CHEERS to defying expectations. C&J thought Brokeback Mountain would fizzle as it went national. Wrong! It had the highest per-theatre average last weekend. And as punishment for being so wrong, I must be sentenced to 6 months in a pup tent with Heath Ledger.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to the queen in the center square. On January 10, 1982, my hometown of Mount Vernon, Ohio lost it's biggest celebrity when Paul Lynde was found dead at 55 in his Beverly Hills home. In his honor, some zingers from Hollywood Squares
Peter Marshall: When Richard Nixon was Vice-President, he went someplace on a "good will mission," but instead wound up being stoned and shouted at. Where did this take place?
Paul Lynde: Pat's room.
Peter Marshall: We've all heard the old phrase "A pig in a poke." What is a poke?
Paul Lynde: It's when you're not really in love.
Peter Marshall: Paul, in what famous book will you read about a talking ass who wonders why it's being beaten?
Paul Lynde: I read it: The Joy of Sex.
Peter Marshall: Is it normal for Norwegians to talk to trees?
Paul Lynde: As long as that's as far as it goes.
For a lesson in perfect comic timing, go go here and watch him in action. "Oh my gooodness!"
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Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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