Reprinted from The Satirical Political Report http://satiricalpolitical.com
Undaunted and undeterred by its failure to stem sectarian stupidity in the Bush Administration, the Iraq Study Group has decided to take another stab at victory, with a SURGE of its own.
Speaking on behalf of the ISG, Co-Chairman James Baker explained that their last effort did not utilize enough diplomats to quell Bush’s Shit-ite policies, or unduly Sunny scenarios.
"This time," Baker promised, "we intend to expand the membership of the ISG by at least 20,000, which will require a draft of all retired Cabinet members, Congressmen, and foreign service officers going back to the Kennedy Administration."
Co-Chairman Lee Hamilton added that new strategies would also be employed. "Instead of just lobbying the Administration during the day, and then going home to sleep in our own beds at night, this time we’re going to camp out in the White House 24/7."
However, many remained skeptical that 20,000 ISG personnel, even equipped with body armor, would be sufficient to suppress the random insanity of the Bush policies. As Senator Chuck Hagel put it, "putting these old folks in the meat grinder of this Administration is a fool’s errand, and may well be the biggest humanitarian disaster since Darfur."
Senator Joe Biden pointed out that "according to the Pentagon’s own counter-insurgency manual, it takes 50,000 troops alone just to dislodge Vice President Cheney from his underground bunker."
Biden added that "this kind of office-to-office combat within the West Wing, with this surge of retirees, is bound to result in pulled muscles, irregularity, and even broken hips."
In making an impassioned plea to stop this surge, Hagel issued this warning to all current and future ISG members: "You’d be a lot better off selling orthopedic shoes."