With the Washington Post bravely setting out to uncover the truth about "things that show up in your inbox" - I'm hopeful this ignored story will begin to gain traction.
To Whom it May Concern:
I was both excited and gratified to see the Washington Post turn its considerable investigative powers towards the too-often ignored internet rumor mill and forwarded e-mail messages. Ever since I discovered the internets, I've found myself inundated with seemingly important financial, medical, and national news that often goes unreported by the liberal media - I'm thrilled to see that the Washington Post has decided to lend its page space and reporters to uncovering the truth behind what I feel are important, but under-reported stories.
...keep going... or you'll miss the DK record for "penis" mentions!
While other papers waste time on things like FISA (This is AMERICA! Who cares about a soccer league?) - which even liberal Time columnist Joe Klein admits isn't worth the time to read and doesn't matter - you've devoted your front page to a hard-hitting expose on Barack Obama's possible islamofascist roots, I'm hopeful that you've turned the corner.
This is welcome change from the nature of your coverage of John Edward's exorbitantly priced haircuts, which I found to be most relegated to the Style section and Howard Kurtz's dogged professionalism. I will anxiously await updates to Senator Obama's islamofascim (oops, alleged islamofascism -- I guess that's why you're the professionals and I'm not!).
I think Perry Bacon's story was a good start -- I hope his follow-up addresses the fact that the Senator's name, "Obama", is very close to "Osama". I've seen this curious fact addressed often on campaign signs, all over the internets, and whenever I write "Obama" next to "Osama" - but I don't think anyone has yet asked him directly about it.
Of course, not all news is politics. With that in mind, I'd like to provide you with a lead on another important story currently being ignored by the liberal media:
Can and should my penis be enlarged?
As Mr. Bacon and your staff have said in response to crazy hippie hysterics over this critical issue -- the rumors persist, as the samples below and others I will gladly forward show, and I DO use my penis from time to time. Consequently, it seems vitally important that we get to the truth of the matter...
CAN my penis be enlarged?
I'm attaching a number of the more cogent e-mails I've received on the subject -- as you can see, some of them even seem to originate in the FUTURE!
Date: Mon, 18 Jan 2038 17:59:59 -0800
From: "Kaitlin Wolff" <KaitlinWolff180@netnitco.net>
To: xxxxx
Subject: You have nothing to lose, just a lot to gain!
#1 For P e n 1 s Enlargement
http://www.nofreehits4uspammer!
The implication is that even in 2038 - my penis could STILL stand to be enlarged.
The opportunities for a crack journalistic outfit like yours are near endless.
While the internets seem to think my penis can be enlarged - very few of them are clear on whether it should be enlarged. Even if your investigation confirms that it should be enlarged, there's always the question of how much it should be enlarged. The many e-mails are unclear. Some of them suggest 4 inches, others 6 or more. Some of them say "6+" - which I can only assume is the metric measurement commonly used for penis size. Hasn't Europe fallen to the Islamofascists like Obama yet - so we can forget this metric stuff?
Thu, 29 Nov 2007 22:32:11 +1100
To: xxxxx
Subject: Who has the bigger p e n 1 s ? dfafa
From: "Eddie Gorman" <EddieGorman2041@attws.com>
ADD UP 4 INCHES IN LENGTH
http://www.http://www.nofreehits4usp...
accord.jim old dart.
fallen acid parish agony acrid dear acquit adept.blare weaken jay acre
party ! tupelo.
r grocer agony.
They also insist that this enlargement will "Drive her wild" - but as I am currently unattached, I don't even know who "her" is! Perhaps "her" identity isn't important to this story or might be an inappropriate tangent -- again, you’re the professionals, so I leave it to your discretion - but if you should happen to find out through the course of your investigation, I would certainly appreciate the information.
Date: Thu, 29 Nov 2007 02:56:09 +0100
From: "ideal" <CharmaineHewitt@leyitub.com>
To: xxxx
Subject: Impress Your Girlfriend
Drive Her WILD http://www.http://www.nofreehits4usp...
As you investigate this story - you'll further see that there appears to be great scientific debate over whether my penis should be enlarged naturally, if a pharmaceutical solution is best, or a surgery-free medical device can be employed.
See? Even your science and health writers can get involved in this rumor that appears to be sweeping the internets.
Perhaps your business writers might likewise get involved - as I'm sure there's money to be made from the enlargement of my penis. Now that Fox Business News is rendering your stock page obsolete - maybe you might want to replace it with a ticker tracking the size of my penis! Not to mention - the endless exposes on the advertising industry that's hard after my penis enlargement dollar.
Features on Ron Jeremy's big endorsement deal?
Date: Thu, 29 Nov 2007 02:56:09 +0100
From: "ideal" <CharmaineHewitt@leyitub.com>
To: "xxxx"
Subject: Increase your schlongxqyz!
Be like Next Ron Jeremy - he buys http://www.google.com/...
False advertising? Notice the difference between the subject and body:
From: "Aly Sheel" <al.she.me.ly@netnitcom.net>
To: xxxx
Subject: Gain Up to 8+
Gain Up to 6+
http://www.http://www.nofreehits4usp...
vella.fail actual.
quiver yucca.
You're reporting could ensure that I don't purchase a solution to enlarge my penis a mere "6+" rather than the "8+" I was promised!
There's even a dark, underbelly to the story of whether my penis needs enlargement -- this is perfect for whomever you have that does that Woodward and Bernstein thing.
You see - I've tried to access some of the penis enlargement sites I receive in my e-mail. To date, I've received nothing but reprimands from my employer for doing so. Why does my company not want to see my penis enlarged? Is the fabled "her" the wife of a higher up in our corporation? Are my co-workers in IT and HR afraid that my enlarged penis would put theirs to shame?
Since I've been told in no uncertain terms that I cannot no longer investigate the enlarging of my penis at work, I've since begun using my personal computer to do so.
However, my luck has been terrible.
Often, after trying to access the sites promising me a larger penis, my computer coincidentally experiences problems. My browser goes all weird and these strange messages about viruses appear (viruses on my pc or penis - they don't say... another thread in this tapestry for you to unravel). Yet - when I take my computer in to be repaired, I'm always told by the repairman that I need to stop clicking on "those sites".
Why?
Is he, too, part of this grand conspiracy to deny my penis its rightful size? Or - is perhaps the entire IT industry in-bed with the forces of anti-enlargement of my penis?
It's well-known that the computer industry is centered in the 'Silicon Valley' -- does the industry wish to see research and funding continue to be overly weighted towards breast enlargement, rather than that of my penis? Are the feminazis like Hillary at it again? Will Hillarycare only cover breast augmentation, NOT penis enlargement?
Or - is this another case of those crazy California liberals wanting us to all be the same? Who knows - perhaps this will need to a debate about a constitutional amendment guaranteeing my right to enlarge my penis.
Of course, underlying all of this is the question of why my penis size seems to be receiving so much attention. Is it common knowledge that my penis needs to be enlarged? If, through the course of your reporting, you discover that my penis need not be enlarged, will you help me clear my name - as you did for Senator Obama?
Perhaps a front page, above-the-fold story that thoroughly discusses rumors of the need for my penis to be enlarged and then allows me to respond that my penis most certainly does NOT need to be enlarged thus ensuring that everyone knows that rumors existed about my possible need for enlargement, but that I've responded that they're not true and your coverage likewise unequivocally indicates the same? That will clear everything up and ensure I can devote my time to driving "her" wild, right?
I'm sure you understand the enormity of this issue, and now that you've decided to devote the much needed time, space, and resources to uncovering the truth behind internet rumors - I anxiously await your response so the critical issue of my penis, its size, the need or lack-there-of for enlargement, the obstacles to accomplishing this enlargement, and the best method to do so will receive the coverage that has been sorely lacking.
Thank You
Zonk
PS I've also got a hot lead on a Nigerian exile who's on the run, but needs to transfer a considerable sum of money to another bank account. I'm considering his offer -- who knows how much my penis enlargement will cost -- but would be happy to go undercover if can spare any reporters from the story of my penis and its possible enlargement.