In trying to keep my friends and family informed of what's going on politically, I boil down all the stories, add some of the interesting comments I find, and send out a series of emails to them on Thursday & Friday, titled.... well, look at the title above, and you may just get a hint.
W E A K L Y P O L I T I C S : N E W S ! O P I N I O N ! H U M O R !
According to the Programme for International Student Assessment (PISA) -- an internationally standardized assessment, jointly developed by participating countries and administered to 15-year-olds in schools -- the following countries have exhibited outstanding credentials in the education of their students:
-- Finnish children excel in Science
-- South Korean children are first in Reading
-- Taipei children are leaders in Math
-- U.S. kids are tops in lunch
"As we hit the height of the holiday shopping season, New York City officials have issued a blanket traffic gridlock alert for Manhattan. The only way to get around town easily is to walk, take the subway, or have an affair with Rudy Giuliani."
- Jake Novak
--------------
Ho, Ho, Ho
--------------
Wall Street plunged Tuesday after the Federal Reserve lowered interest rates only a quarter point. Next month when the fed doubles rates to stop inflation, the rich guys will all wish they'd bought buildings to jump off of.
Pooooor rich guys...
- Joe Hickman
-----------
Bail Out
-----------
"According to a new CNN/Opinion Research Corporation poll released Tuesday 57 percent of the people now believe the nation is in a recession, the other 43 percent could not answer the poll because their phones got disconnected for not paying the bill."
- Pedro Bartes
TAX CUTS DON'T BOOST REVENUES
If there's one thing that Republican politicians agree on, it's that slashing taxes brings the government more money. "You cut taxes, and the tax revenues increase," President Bush said in a speech last year. Keeping taxes low, Vice President Dick Cheney explained in a recent interview, "does produce more revenue for the Federal Government." Presidential candidate John McCain declared in March that "tax cuts ... as we all know, increase revenues." His rival Rudy Giuliani couldn't agree more. "I know that reducing taxes produces more revenues," he intones in a new TV ad.
If there's one thing that economists agree on, it's that these claims are false. We're not talking just ivory-tower lefties. Virtually every economics Ph.D. who has worked in a prominent role in the Bush Administration acknowledges that the tax cuts enacted during the past six years have not paid for themselves--and were never intended to. Harvard professor Greg Mankiw, chairman of Bush's Council of Economic Advisers from 2003 to 2005, even devotes a section of his best-selling economics textbook to debunking the claim that tax cuts increase revenues. ...
"According to a new survey, 25% of people say they don't know where Jesus was born. The other 75% say they had Jesus doing their lawn and he could be from Mexico or Guatemala."
- Pedro Bartes
LOU DOBBS' HEAD EXPLODES
CNN Anchor Continues Talking
The head of longtime CNN anchorman Lou Dobbs exploded last night, fifteen minutes into the broadcast of his nightly news program, "Lou Dobbs Tonight."
Mr. Dobbs' rants about illegal immigration over the past few years have made his head exploding while on television a distinct possibility, but few viewers were prepared for the shocking spectacle they witnessed Tuesday night.
During an interview with CNN's Anderson Cooper, Mr. Dobbs blamed illegal aliens for most of the ills of American society, including crime, leprosy, and confusing signs written in foreign languages.
"And here's the latest outrage, Anderson," Mr. Dobbs said. "If a border fence is built between the U.S. and Mexico, as I've suggested, it'll probably be built by illegal Mexican workers."
Shortly after his statement about illegal Mexican laborers constructing a border fence, Mr. Dobbs' head exploded, filling the screen with smoke and visibly startling Mr. Cooper.
After Mr. Dobbs' head burst into flames, his CNN cohort attempted to go to commercial, but Mr. Dobbs continued talking undaunted for another fifteen minutes.
Immediately after the broadcast, Mr. Dobbs was rushed to the Head Explosion Unit at George Washington University Hospital where the CNN anchor continued talking for an additional five hours before being administered general anesthesia.
"In all my years as a brain surgeon I have never seen someone with such serious head trauma continue speaking," said chief of surgery Dr. Hiroshi Kyosuke. "It is almost as if Lou Dobbs' mouth functions completely
independently from his brain."
- © Andy Borowitz
"Republican candidates held a presidential debate for Hispanic voters on Sunday in Florida, which aired on Spanish language television. They got a hostile reception. Almost one third of the studio audience had just been fired by Mitt Romney."
- Argus Hamilton
"Immigration isn't the issue. Hating immigrants is the issue."
- atrios.blogspot
--------------------
NEW GOP POLL:
Which is Most Important to You In a Candidate?
(asked of registered Republicans who plan to vote in primaries)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Mitt Romney pleads for tolerance, says Mormons aren't half as bad as Catholics."
- IronicTimes.com
----------------------------------------
Someone's Job Is On The Line!
----------------------------------------
"Mike Huckabee leaped into the lead for the GOP nomination in Monday's national polls. The Baptist minister is standing tall after months of being stuck in the mud. Mike Huckabee is starting to think there may be something to evolution after all."
- Argus Hamilton
---------------
FINALLY!!!!
---------------
"Mike Huckabee angered Mormons Tuesday when he told the New York Times he thinks Mormons believe Jesus and Satan are brothers. He should lay off complex theological questions. It's hard enough for Americans to believe that George and Jeb are brothers."
- Argus Hamilton
STAR POWER
Celebrity Endorsements Boost The Campaigns of Presidential Hopefuls
- IronicTimes.com
Barack has Oprah, Hillary has Barbra and Huckabee has Chuck Norris....
Here's an up-to-date rundown of the rest:
Fred Thompson
- Cast of "Law & Order"
Rudy Giuliani
- Cast of "The Sopranos"
Mitt Romney
- All but one Osmond
John Edwards
- Donny Osmond
Chris Dodd
- Leslie Nielsen
John McCain
- Ed McMahon
Bill Richardson
- Cheech
Ron Paul
- Chong
----------------------------------
I Can't Help But Wonder....
----------------------------------
And the Clenis shall have dominion over the Clagina...
In an otherwise ignored column in the Wall Street Journal, Sally Bedell Smith worries that Bill Clinton is using Hillary Clinton as a beard so that he can become president again and get back on the blow job gravy train:
TWO PRESIDENTS IN THE WHITE HOUSE
. . . While Mr. Clinton's return to the West Wing wouldn't directly violate the 22nd Amendment--designed to limit a president to two terms in office--it has significant implications because of the unusual nature of Bill and Hillary Clinton's marriage, which is such a deeply entwined political duopoly that "it has always been hard to distinguish who played what role," according to their longtime friend Mickey Kantor.
Many voters, especially Democrats, would welcome Mr. Clinton's experience as a great asset to his wife's administration. But given the Clintons' long history of close consultation, their partnership could end up distorting the way the executive branch is supposed to function--regardless of the talents each of them might bring to the White House. ...
"Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice on Tuesday rebuked Israeli officials for plans to expand a Jewish settlement in East Jerusalem. Apparently the new settlements are a big slap in the face to Palestinians who aren't sure they have the manpower to blow them up."
- Jake Novak
KILLED: 3891*
WOUNDED: 28629*
COST: $477.0 Billion*
WMDs FOUND: 0**
(* number increases daily)
(** search called off)
So there were no WMD's in Iraq. Iran isn't pursuing nuclear weapons. President Bush is pen-pals with Kim Jong-IL...
The Axis of Evil is in its last throes.
- Gorsefeathers
"A new poll finds that so few Jews support the war in Iraq, you could fit them all on a Fox News panel every Sunday morning."
- fark.com
--------------------
Bah, Humbug!!!
--------------------
"The White House press secretary Dana Perino admitted to NPR that she wasn't exactly sure what the Cuban missile crisis was. In her defense, the application to be a White House press secretary stated that at least you had to be smarter than your boss."
- Pedro Bartes
------------------------
The Report's Out!!!
------------------------
"Saudi King Abdullah gave Dick Cheney a fur-lined cashmere coat and a gold sword with a diamond-studded hilt last year. They're natural friends. One guy controls the largest known reserves of oil in the world, while the other guy runs a desert kingdom."
- Argus Hamilton
--------------------------
Cheney's Putin Plan
--------------------------
"President George W. Bush granted pardons to 29 people on Tuesday from a variety of crimes including cocaine distribution, marijuana manufacturing, mail fraud and bank embezzlement. The president said he did it this early so they all have time to start their political campaigns in their own districts."
- Pedro Bartes
--------------------------
While You're At It....
--------------------------
ACLU Asks Court to Hold CIA in Contempt
The American Civil Liberties Union today filed a motion asking a federal judge to hold the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) in contempt, charging that the agency flouted a court order when it destroyed at least two videotapes documenting the harsh interrogation of prisoners in its custody.
In response to Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) requests filed by the ACLU and other organizations in October 2003 and May 2004, the United States District Court for the Southern District of New York ordered the CIA to produce or identify all records pertaining to the treatment of detainees in its custody.
Despite the court's ruling, the CIA never produced the tapes or even acknowledged their existence. Last week, in anticipation of media reports concerning the tapes, CIA Director Michael Hayden publicly acknowledged that the CIA had made the tapes in 2002 but destroyed them in 2005. ...
--------------------------------
I'm Here To Warn You....
--------------------------------
Bush Goes Private to Spy on You
A new intelligence institution to be inaugurated soon by the Bush administration will allow government spying agencies to conduct broad surveillance and reconnaissance inside the United States for the first time. Under a proposal being reviewed by Congress, a National Applications Office (NAO) will be established to coordinate how the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) and domestic law enforcement and rescue agencies use imagery and communications intelligence picked up by U.S. spy satellites. If the plan goes forward, the NAO will create the legal mechanism for an unprecedented degree of domestic intelligence gathering that would make the United States one of the world's most closely monitored nations. Until now, domestic use of electronic intelligence from spy satellites was limited to scientific agencies with no responsibility for national security or law enforcement.
The intelligence-sharing system to be managed by the NAO will rely heavily on private contractors, including Boeing, BAE Systems, L-3 Communications and Science Applications International Corporation (SAIC). These companies already provide technology and personnel to U.S. agencies involved in foreign intelligence, and the NAO greatly expands their markets. Indeed, at an intelligence conference in San Antonio, Texas, last month, the titans of the industry were actively lobbying intelligence officials to buy products specifically designed for domestic surveillance. ...
----------
'S OK....
----------
"In response to the controversy over the CIA's waterboarding videotapes, President Bush reaffirmed his Administration's opposition to videotaping."
- © Andy Borowitz