Along with significant advances in technology, the 21st century has also forever changed our understanding and perception of what our government does and should do. I write this, hoping other confused citizens will find it helpful.
President (aka The Decider): The POTUS is elected by a plurality vote of the Supreme Court, to serve no more than two terms. His primary role is to distribute American weapons such as missiles, bombs and bullets to those less fortunate than us. This delivery happens by air when possible and through ground shipment if necessary. These donations are financed by selling worthless pieces of paper, known as bonds, to the unsuspecting Chinese.
Vice President: As the name clearly states, this official presides over the vice. He is also known as the vice in chief and his main responsibility is to coordinate government activity with rank and file Vice.
FCC: Once again, the best clue to this body's duties and responsibilities is its name, "Fervent Corporate Champion". Specifically, this commission is tasked with promoting the national competition of media, by helping large conglomerate media form and grow, while stopping local and independent players from polluting the scene.
EPA: This agency, formally called the Enterprise Pollution Advocate, provides legal assistance to corporations and businesses in defending their constitutional rights to contribute their share of pollution. This agency has been known to take other advocacy groups to court in defense of the stated constitutional right or be subject to their lawsuit. As part of the federal government, it also defends helpless enterprises from greedy state governments who intend of infringe on others' rights.
Attorney General: With the heavy burden placed on the president in achieving his goals, there will undoubtedly be many who will use the guise of law and constitution to attack and neutralize him. That is why it is appropriate for the commander in chief to have an attorney, who is wisely called Attorney General. He will help the president to use his powers, as determined by the 2nd article in the constitution, to determine and define the scope of his powers under the 2nd article of the constitution.
Pentagon: Originally named "dud" but often misspelled as "DOD", the name of this department was changed to represent its goals and be less tied to its performance; hence the name Pentagon was chosen for a department that would effectively spread the Pentecostal movement, therefore continuing the Pentecostal mission of helping all citizens of the world gain direct personal experience of God. Some individuals can achieve this goal by near-death experiences while others will have to cross over to meet God in person.