Now that the presents have all been carefully wrapped and then frantically torn open, the tree decorated, the carols sung, and both relatives and eggnog drunk, we can get down to the real nitty gritty, the burning question that is on everyone's mind:
Did Santa evolve, or was he intelligently designed?
Yes, Virginia, we all know that there is a Santa Claus, but where did he come from? For a little light-hearted War-On-Christmas merriment, join me below the fold to learn the very latest scientific research on The Origin of (Elf) Species.
The Ascent of Man A Right Jolly Old Elf (Click for a larger version)
At one time, scientists believed that Santa Claus was merely a larger specimen of the common house elf (E. vulgaris), perhaps grown so big due to his unusual dietary habits (consisting of large quantities of cookies and milk). But it is now known that this "right jolly old elf" is in fact a distinct species, which has tentatively been given the appellation E. hilaris.
Ten million years ago, the distant ancestors of E. hilaris were foraging for food in the distant north of North America. The main buildup of ice on North America did not occur until around 2.6 million years ago — a time when the climate took a decidedly frosty turn. Glaciation changed the landscape of North America, with lakes forming near the margins of retreating glaciers. The ancestors of E. hilaris may have lived on the shores of these lakes. The repeated cycles of glaciation throughout the Pleistocene must have spurred great changes, with the early elves becoming better and better adapted to the cold climate with each advance and retreat of the glaciers.
With the retreat of the glaciers at the beginning of the Holocene approximately 11,500 years ago, the elves had become so adapted to living on the ice that they migrated from the frozen tundra to live on the polar ice cap year round. Typical artifacts recovered from this period include primitive stone axes, hammers, and a distinctive wedge-shaped adze which may have been used to fashion wood into crude toys.
Indeed, so well adapted for life on the arctic ice is that "right jolly old elf" that he never leaves it, except once a year to make a spectacular single-night round-the-world migration before returning to his home at the pole for another year. See above for an artist's conception of what E. hilaris may have looked like at different stages of development.
May your days be merry and bright, and may all your Christmases be white!