(Courtesy of Dead End-tertainment Tonight, "DET")
Following last night's Oscars presentation, the Academy of Motion Sickness, uh, Picture Arts and Sciences has decided to award a special honorary Oscar to Lewis "Scooter" Libby in the new category of "best trial performance".
Academy insiders cited Libby's amazing "idiot" performance, including answering prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald's pointed questions with a blank face and a studied "lack of recollection". Libby again and again said things such as "Nope, I don't remember that. Plame who? ...Leak WHAT, to WHICH reporter?
"I'm just an innocent fella, Mr. Prosecutor. Would you like some of my cho-co-lates from this box of cho-co-lates?", all the while looking as dumb as a June bug with brain damage.
(more Libby lunacy below)
Libby lawyer Ted Wells is also receiving an Oscar for best supporting trial actor. Among other maneuvers, Wells used a can of Libby vegetables and presented it to the jury. "Ladies and gentlemen, this is a can of Libby vegetables. I think this Fitzgerald fellow has the wrong Libby; maybe some carrot or lima bean lied about leaking information, but not my man here. Scooter is NOT the Libby on the label, and it's libel if you lie and lump Libby in with the liberal limas on this lousy label. La la la.
"Does my client look like a vegetable? Does he?" (Sources say one juror smirked at this.)
"And would he fit in the can?" Wells flourished the can next to Libby's head, which was slightly larger than the can. "Would my innocent client fit in here?
"If he wouldn't fit, --you must acquit!!"
Wells also received kudos for his musical performance, done to a James Brown soundtrack from a boombox the Libby defense team snuck into the courtroom. Sobbing, "Give my Scooter baby back to me", Wells sank to the ground before the jurors as other defense team members put a cape over him and then led him off. (One juror was heard to whisper, "A cape? Who the hell does he think he is, Darth Vader? Franklin Roosevelt?")
Wells then came back to the jury and repeated his "Gimme Scooter back" plaintive plea, and was covered with another cape, and "left" again, soon returning for another plea. About 25 capes and 12 yawning jurors later, Wells finally went off stage, satisfied with his knock-'em-dead performance.
(Entertaiment industry insiders say that he, Libby, and Justin Timberlake will soon be releasing a disco single entitled "Bringing Libby Back".)
As for other entertainment projects, Libby has expressed interest in hosting the new MTV (Military Terror-Vision) reality show, "Teheran Totally Sucks...Our Depleted Uranium Dust!!" featuring a cast of thousands, or maybe millions, though not all of them alive by the end of the show. Asked whether the projected megadeaths in the Middle East gave him pause, Libby, taking a break from his two other projects of writing a dirty new novel and also writing a dirty new "aspens" love letter to Judith Miller, said to our reporter:
"Hey! That's just SHOOOOOW BUSINESS!!"