Lovingly Crossposted From ChugBleach.com
Festivities closed on the CPAC (the Conservative Political Action Conference) yearly meeting, a convention where all the worst people you could ever imagine join together to discuss smaller government, the war on terror, and ask 'where are all the black people?', often in the same speech denouncing them for being shiftless and bringing the destruction of New Orleans on themselves.
I'm in no way certain that you could quantify who the biggest winner was: Anne Coulter got to be on tv again for once more proving that being 'controversial' now appears to equal 'being a homophobic cunt', and Mitt Romney emerged with victory in the 'straw poll', which either means everybody is over him being a Jesus-hating Mormon polygamist double agent, or the 'Mitts For Mitt' oven mitts he gave out swayed a skeptical public. Regardless, here's some of the finer moments, mostly via an almost certainly drunk Dana Milbank of the Washington Post.
Sen. Jim Inhofe (R-Okla.) got the crowd cheering early in the day. "I have been called -- my kids are all aware of this -- dumb, crazy man, science abuser, Holocaust denier, villain of the month, hate-filled, warmonger, Neanderthal, Genghis Khan and Attila the Hun," he announced. "And I can just tell you that I wear some of those titles proudly."
Only a real maverick could tell it like it is and, uh, deny the Holocaust. A book deal between him and fellow attendee Michele Malkin can probably only lead to a best selling book examining how everyone talks about the gas chambers and the forced labor, but nobody wants to acknowledge the waters slides and the ice cream afterward.
Newt Gingrich weighed in on Hurricane Katrina:
How can you have the mess we have in New Orleans, and not have had deep investigations of the federal government, the state government, the city government, and the failure of citizenship in the Ninth Ward, where 22,000 people were so uneducated and so unprepared, they literally couldn't get out of the way of a hurricane.
Ignorant negros! If only they'd have had the gumption to pull themselves up by the boot straps and prepare for something everyone had assured them could never possibly happen, maybe they wouldn't have all drowned. Where was fucking Spike Lee on that one?
Meanwhile, Duncan Hunter spoke to an uproarious crowd of 300, which is kinda sorta the amount of people that I had reading an un-updated blog for three days while I went into complete and unadulterated binge of self loathing, secretly planning to leave my old life behind and start up again in a Geek Show; pants-less, wild eyed quotes from the book of Revelations while biting the heads off of chickens for money. In a country where Duncan Hunter is not only not in prison but is running for president on a platform of 'who hates Mexicans the most', it seems like a totally valid and probably lucrative choice for me.
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Outside the ballroom at the Omni Shoreham, a man was strolling about in a dolphin costume and a T-shirt declaring "Flip Romney: Just another Flip Flopper From Massachusetts." The porpoise was ready to burst his blowhole: "First he was pro-choice, now magically he's pro-life. First he's for gun control, then he's against it."
Yet somehow in comparison to all the other supremely fucked up nonsense going on, the mental defective in the dolphin costume turned out to be the reasonable, moderate choice of the entire convention. Expect the compromise Romney/Flipper the Degenerate Flip-Flopping Dolphin ticket to ride to victory in 2008.