Cross-posted at ARGville
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There’s a vaccine you can take that requires no pills to swallow, no needles to prick you, no scrutiny of your past, and no money to pay. What does it do for you? Lots.
It will render you incapable of wrongdoing or making mistakes in the eyes of your peers. Any resemblance of you doing or saying the wrong thing will cause your friends to come to your defense. Even if you are a drug addict, a pedophile, a perjurer, a phone sex feign, an adulterer, or advocate assassinations, the door is always open for you.
You will automatically be considered a religious person even if you don’t attend church or don’t know the 10 Commandments, and you will forever be regarded as a person with great family values even if you’re a high-stakes gambler, procure the services of prostitutes, and rub your peccadilloes on your wife’s face.
You will be free to make racist comments with no discernable negative impact on you. Moreover, you will be able to make stuff up, over and over, knowing the serious people will carry the water for you.
Many of your friends will be rich and getting richer while those you don’t care for will get poorer and sicker.
And because of this vaccine, even those who get killed or maimed fighting for you for reasons that keep changing while you sit at home will still do your bidding and love you for it, even if you then treat them like dirt.
Some say it will even enlarge your penis or your boobs.
You will be able to disregard the inconvenient and remember as truth that which are lies but convenient. You will develop the art of deflection, memorizeslick slogans, be the laziest son of a bitch and claim it’s hard work, and every time you say 'boo' a nation will tremble.
Sounds too good to be true? Do you expect to pay a lot for it? Do you think only a select few can have it? Well, it is true, it’s free, and anyone can have it. All you have to do is call yourself (like you didn’t see this one coming a mile away)... a Republican. It IS that simple.
Disclaimer: There are some drawbacks: your friends will be assholes, and the cool kids will laugh at you.