> ARMY OFFERS TO PAY RECRUITS IN GASOLINE
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> As Gas Prices Soar, So Will Enlistment, Pentagon Hopes
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> With potential Army enlistees turning up their noses at bonuses and other perks, the Pentagon announced today that it was prepared to ³sweeten the pot² by offering all new recruits a free tank of gas.
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> At the Pentagon, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said that the decision to pay recruits in gasoline, while unorthodox, was a ³slam-dunk solution² to the Army¹s nagging shortfalls in enlistment.
[more below]
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> ³As gas prices approach four dollars a gallon, we believe that a free tank of gas in exchange for a tour of duty in Iraq is an offer these recruits can¹t refuse,² Secretary Rumsfeld said. ³And when gas prices hit five dollars a gallon well, goodness gracious, we¹ll be turning people away.²
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> Mr. Rumsfeld went on to say that skyrocketing gas prices, rather than being the bane of the American motorist¹s existence, are actually ³America¹s secret weapon in the global struggle against violent extremism.²
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> Across the nation, Army recruitment offices were being outfitted with full-serve and self-serve gas pumps to accommodate the anticipated crush of gas-thirsty enlistees.
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> But at one such office in Gary, Indiana, there were no takers for the Pentagon¹s free gas offer, which also includes a free car wash and windshield-wiper fluid.
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> In the words of one recruitment officer there, ³If things don¹t pick up soon, we¹re going to have to throw in free tires.²
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> Elsewhere, Cristeta Comerford, the first female executive chef in the history of the White House, said that the greatest challenge of her new job will be to ³fill Dick Cheney¹s ravenous piehole.²
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> CUTTING COSTS, NASA SAYS IT WILL WAIT FOR MARTIANS TO COME TO US
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> Mars Must Share Financial Burden of Space Exploration, NASA Chief Says
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> In what was widely seen as a belt-tightening measure, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration said today that it was scrapping all plans for a mission to Mars and would instead wait for Mars to plan a mission to Earth.
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> Speaking to reporters at Cape Canaveral, Florida today, NASA chief Michael Griffin said that in the current financial climate, ³Rather than sending a rocket to Mars, it makes more sense just to sit and wait for the Martians to come to us.²
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> Mr. Griffin said that the space agency came to the conclusion that it would prefer to wait for such a Martian visit after the just-concluded mission of the space shuttle Discovery, which he called ³a royal pain from beginning to end.²
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> ³I say, if the Martians want to deal with foam debris, missing tiles and all of those other headaches, they are more than welcome to them,² the administrator said.
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> He also offered harsh criticism for the Martians themselves, saying that they had ³failed to pay their fair share of the cost of space exploration.²
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> But in an official statement later in the day, the Emperor of Mars rebuffed Mr. Griffin¹s demands, saying Mars had ³no intention of doing NASA¹s work for them.²
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> In a parting shot, the Emperor concluded, ³And don¹t expect Mars to fix Social Security, either, you tool.²
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> BUSH REFUSES TO SET TIMETABLE FOR WITHDRAWAL FROM CRAWFORD
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> Early End to Vacation Would Send Terrible Signal,¹ President Says
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> President George W. Bush said today that he understands and respects the views of those who are calling for him to cut short his summer vacation, but warned that an immediate withdrawal from Crawford, Texas would ³send a terrible signal to the enemy.²
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> ³The enemy would like nothing better than to see me cut short my vacation and get back to the White House,² Mr. Bush told reporters. ³They hate my freedom.²
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> While the president said that he would withdraw from Crawford ³soon,² he refused to set a timetable for his departure from the ranch, saying that much work there still needs to be done.
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> Mr. Bush, who has been spending much of his vacation clearing brush, said that he is making great progress in training ranch hands to take over that job for him, but cautioned that they are not yet prepared to do the job themselves.
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> ³Once the ranch hands have shown that they are able to clear the brush on their own, I will withdraw from Crawford, but that day has not yet come,² the president said.
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> Mr. Bush was dismissive of polls showing that the public thinks his current vacation is becoming a quagmire, much like his August 2001 vacation.
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> At the White House, spokesman Scott McClellan defended the president¹s decision to remain in Crawford indefinitely: ³President Bush deserves August off, especially when you consider how many summers he had to go to school.²
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