From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Jumpin' Jehosaphat, do I have to do ALL the deep thinking for this country??!
Not that anyone asked, but, yes, I do know how to solve the Middle East crisis. Since our military is stuck in Iraq and Afghanistan, and two-thirds of our Army National Guard units are not ready for combat, we're out of the picture militarily. President "Yo" Bush and Condi Rice are preoccupied with their treadmills, so ixnay on the iplomacyday. That leaves one option which has the full backing of Bill Kristol and the service-dodging young Republicans:
The Pentagon must sub-contract Canada to invade Iran and Syria.
We did a little checking and concluded that this move is a slam dunk. According to our friends at Mightbeaccurateipedia, there are over 7 million Canadian males age 15-49 who are "fit for military service." With their 114 Leopard battle tanks and 98 fighter jets leading the charge, they could roll into Tehran by lunchtime and have the entire afternoon free to be greeted as liberators with sweets and flowers. But wait...it gets better.
Once parliamentary democracy takes root in 6 to 12 days, they can then roll across the Jeffersonian democracy of Iraq (we'll waive the tolls) and swoop into Damascus. Then, with the two main supporters of Hezbollah and Hamas effectively neutralized, the terrorists in Lebanon will flee into the Mediterranean Sea and drown themselves.
Best of all, Operation Freedom, Eh will only cost $1.7 billion. So c'mon, Canada...it's time to step up to the plate and help us turn a few more corners. I'll even let you be a co-signee on my Nobel Peace Prize.
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, August 3, 2006
Note: I just watched a seagull disembowel and eat a crab in less than 60 seconds outside my window. Never insult a seagull's mother.
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By the Numbers:
Days `til the Connecticut primary: 5
Latest poll as of this morning: Lamont 54% Lieberman 41%
Days `til the Cumberland County Fair: 52
Amount in taxes lost each year due to "sham companies hiding the assets of super-wealthy Americans and corporations offshore": $100 Billion
(Source: Center for American Progress)
Increase in ridership of the Downeaster train from Portland to Boston during the last fiscal year, which ended last month: 31%
Number of Amtrak routes in the country that had a higher jump: 0
(Source: Maine Sunday Telegram)
How many roads must a man walk down, before you call him a man? 3
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day: "Deal? No deal! Deal? No...no deal. Deal? Damn, this show is like rocket science.
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CHEERS to Christmas in America? Unless Iraqi president Talabani is talking out of his butt, Iraqi forces are expected to take over security of the country by the end of the year. Oh wait...we played back the tape. He was talking out of his butt.
JEERS to eating lunch outside in Cleveland on Monday. Some religious nuts plan to fly a plane around the city while towing a giant banner with a picture of an aborted fetus. I think it's the first time in history that people on the ground will need air-sickness bags.
P.S. They really get their jollies off of some sick stuff, don't they? Makes me shudder to think what kind `o pictures they got hanging in their living rooms.
CHEERS to the headline of the day. Astounding revelation in the Australian Herald Sun: Sick Castro is sure he's not dead. The way things are going around here, I wish I could say the same thing.
CHEERS to pleasant surprises. Temps soared into the 90s here yesterday. But, oddly, we felt comfortable walking around town. Then we realized: the heat had cauterized our pores shut. "Doc, you're never gonna believe this..."
CHEERS to geezers-in-training. In a desperate move to fill its ranks, the Army is now accepting recruits as old as 42, and their training has already begun. Yesterday USA Today published some of the boot camp differences between the MySpace and the Ben-Gay crowds:
Sit-ups: 49 vs. 27
Push-ups: 35 vs. 24
2-mile run: 16 min., 36 sec. vs. 19 min., 30 sec.
The Pentagon says older people are fine for service because they're so much healthier and fit these days. To prove it, their friends at the CDC put out a little movie---in color! (Don't forget to take your Lipitor belt to the obstacle course, guys.)
JEERS to Clueless Joe. Lovely quote by Millionaire Lawyer Lieberman in Ron Brownstein's LA Times article yesterday:
"I understand why [Democrats] are angry---because there has been very tough partisan politics played by the Republicans. But the answer to extremism is not more extremism."
No, obviously Joe's answer is to hop on the GOP train and run over the constituents he helped tie to the circular track. Woo-frickin-Woo.
CHEERS to reality-based pioneers. Today is John T. Scopes's 104th birthday. He's the Tennessee high school teacher who was taken to court (the famous Scopes Monkey trial) for teaching evolution in class. His gravestone labels him "A Man of Courage"---the understatement of the century. Anyway, pay your respects here It'll drive the fundamentalist wackos crazy (especially the loons who lost their school board supremacy yesterday in Kansas...heh).
JEERS to my crashing the spam filter. Gosh, I'm so on the fence on this item that just appeared in my email inbox. The subject line says: fdfgsdhbcfng@126.com)ÁÖÏÈÉú£º. Think I should open it? It could be important...
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GONG! GONG!! BadaBadaBadaBadaBada... GONG!!!
This is a Fox News terror alert. Look, you silly twerps. The job of scaring Americans out of their minds belongs to us at the Big FNC! We have the apocalyptic graphics. We have the doomsday music. And polls show our viewers are more afraid than anyone else's. So you kids can just stop with your silly, bloody on-camera pranks. Remember: nobody terrifies like Fox News!
Coming up at the top of the hour: The Israel/Lebanon war: Is a U.S. invasion of China the only way to stem the violence? Join our all-star roundtable with military experts Wayne Rogers, Cal Thomas and Ann Coulter. Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
GONG! GONG!! BadaBadaBadaBadaBada... GONG!!!
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CHEERS to restoring our appetite. After three years showing the world that our elected leaders are a bunch of petty pissypoos, congressional cafeterias have changed two of their menu items back to French fries and French toast. Our question: why did it take three years to stop this nonsense?
JEERS to putting a spy on those who want to die. The federal government has stopped funding the "private and completely confidential" suicide prevention hotline. Hmm, why would that be? Oh, silly me, of course...they want to take away the private and confidential part:
Despite the fact that almost 2 million callers have reached help and hope over the last 8 years, and a government-funded evaluation stating the benefits of 1-800-SUICIDE, the Substance Abuse & Mental Health Service Administration (SAMHSA), a division of Health & Human Services, has decided to create their own government run system where they would have direct access to confidential data on individuals in crisis.
Worse yet, they completely miss the fact that 90% of suicides these days are because of the government. Pardon me while I stick my head in the oven...
CHEERS to the easiest job in the world today. Did Don Rumsfeld change his mind and agree to appear before the Senate Armed Services Committee today? Absolutely! Will he ask and answer all of his own questions? Gosh, yes! Will the Senators get a word in edgewise? Hard to tell, probably not! Should they use the time to catch up on emails and crossword puzzles? Good idea!
CHEERS to summer ditties. On August 3, 1996, `Macarena' started its 14-week reign at #1 on the Billboard pop chart. And changed our way of life...forever.
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One Year Ago in C&J: August 3, 2005:
JEERS to quintuple digits. 7 more U.S. troops were killed in Iraq yesterday. That brings the total U.S. casualty count to 45,000 (1,800 killed plus 43,200 who have been flown out of the country because of physical or mental injuries).
P.S. We wrote the above item yesterday evening. This morning we woke up to find that 14 more Marines were killed overnight. Send this item to all your Republican pals...let them come up with the ha-ha punchline.
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And just one more...
JEERS to questions that simply can't be answered. President Bush passed his annual physical the other day. Nora Ephron at HuffPost asks:
They said everyone would love you but it turns out they don't.
They said Dick Cheney would take care of everything, but he screwed everything up.
They said, just stand next to Tony Blair and let him do the talking, but whenever he did, you looked like a moron.
They said, it would be a piece of cake, but it turned out to be a quagmire.
They said it would cost $50 billion, but it's costing $400 billion.
They said it would be good for Israel, they said slam dunk, they said dancing in the streets, they said minimal casualties.
Try to imagine what it would be like.
And then you tell me how it's possible for anyone under these conditions to have a resting heart rate of 46 beats per minute. And yet he does.
How is it possible?
Dunno.
Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless Testimonial:
"Cheers and Jeers is an age-old fairy tale...a nice bedtime story."
---Connie Morris
Former Kansas Board of Education member
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