My apologies to the Rev. Martin Luther King, but not long ago I ended my commitment to the military. After 20 years of service--active, Reserve, and Guard--I can honestly say that I'm beyond pleased to be finished.
However, "free" is a relative term, as we all know. While I'm free of my obligation to the military, I'm not free of its effects. As I've written in the past, those effects include PTSD and physical problems resulting from my deployment to Iraq. I'm coming to accept that freedom from these is a more nuanced concept. Freedom in this context is not their absence; it is learning to manage them.
Still, being free from the military is a big step. Most immediately it allows me to once again post to this blog and to speak in public without having to worry about retribution. Shortly after my last post, I was contacted by the Massachusetts National Guard. It seems that the Adjutant General and others down the chain of command were angry over my having spoken in public. In fact, most of what I've been saying and writing about has concerned the need to raise public awareness, and increase the funding for treatment, of PTSD and other traumas with which servicemen and women return home. I have been critical, though, of the justness of this war, the manner in which it has been carried out, and the people who have led us into it. Naturally, that was all that the brass heard. So although the leadership in my unit has been, and were, very supportive of me, I was called on the carpet and given a "counseling statement" to effect that I will not speak out publicly on the war or about the president.
After some reflection, I decided to wait until I was separated from service before continuing to write and speak. Mostly, I wanted to spare my friends and comrades the problems of having to try to insulate me from the narrow-minded, reactionary brass that clearly had it in for me. I have stayed within the bounds of protected speech, and have said little to bring discredit to the service to which I gave 20 years of my life. But those 20 years also taught me that following the rules doesn't mean much to thoose in positions of power who disagree with you--they will find a way to screw you. Regardless of whatever else I said bearing "true faith and allegiance" to my brothers and sisters in arms, my opposition to this illegal and unjust war, and my contempt for the men and women who have caused so much pain and suffering, was the only issue for some. With such a short time left, it wasn't worth the fight.
In another way, I also didn't need the extra pain and suffering. PTSD, in a word, sucks. It is a weight around the soul that promises you every day that it will never to go away. I've made significant strides in learning to manage it, but like those living with a chronic disease, I have to be mindful of my treatment. Since one of the issues that I've developed is an antipathy towards senior military "leaders" (I use quotes because I've seen far too much deadly incompetence hiding behind uniforms, bars, and medals), I really don't need to put myself into their sights. I'll choose my own fights, thank you.
While I was still somewhat beholden to the military, I was going to limit my comments herein to describing my travels with PTSD. Now that I'm free of them, I'm much more comfortable with speaking from the heart about the evil that has been foisted on the citizens of this country, the men and women who serve it in uniform, and an entire people under occupation by an America that I was once proud of.
You see, once someone finds his or her voice, it's nigh to impossible to shut that person up. Peace.