First off, this is not a GBCW diary!!!
As the title suggests, I would like to apologize for the whining depressing tone of my last couple of diaries. As the treatment for my Lyme disease proceeds, it is becoming increasingly obvious to me and farmerterri that a large measure of my depression and defeatism was a result of that disease (not to mention a heaping helping of pain and exhaustion).
I would also like to thank all of those who gave practical advice and moral support during this trying time, including but by no means limited to run's with scissors, green girl, CSI, ASiegal, Markettrustee, and meerkoet.
In addition to apologizing for "blogging while depressed", I would like to warn a bit with an anecdote. While we were pursuing a restructuring of our debt, utilizing the equity n our farm, one of our current lenders refused to help us, and in explaining why (we are too much wedded to physical sustainability, and the "lifestyle" of farming) he used excerpts and quotes from my diaries and comments here to "prove" his point. I guess the lesson is:
1) everyone here is NOT your friend, and
2) don't expect activism to be rewarded by those who oppose you.
As I sit here watching the sheep (I'm drafting this on paper), and hoping I'll still have the privilege of being a farmer next week, it is becoming very obvious that there are still a few thing I am and will continue to believe, practice, and advocate for:
1) The current system for financing farms is wrong, acts against the best interests of both the farmer and the consumer, and benefits no one but large corporate entities.
2)We need to encourage local sustainable four season agriculture whenever and where-ever possible, while encouraging more people to take up the field. Instead we are doing the opposite, charging farmers higher interest rates, encouraging unsustainable monocropping and streessing short term rather than long term yields in the name of more immediate profits.
3)We manage agriculture in this country, at least on the small farm basis, by crisis intervention, waiting for a crisis to emerge (like northeast milk prices recently), then stick a bandaid on the problem. Then, at that point we drop the issue in favor of the next cause or crisis....never returning for consideration of a long term solution.
4)Power and fuel generation for farm and food transport should be based on the farm itself, and should not use as substrate foodstuffs. There are a number of systems available or in development at the present time for making small farms or cooperatives of small farms energy independant, or small scale producers, without diverting food from consumers. Many of these systems were developed and are produced outside the US, and with a shrinking dollar are difficult to utilize in the US. I can attest to the difficulty in trying to develop this sort of solution in this country, as it is one of the things I do for a living, and part of the financial pickle that is most likely going to cost me my farm and my home.
As I stated above, the future of both my farm and my business lay in the hands of a mortgage broker at the present time. I have no idea whether I will be on the road to home or homelessness tomorrow afternoon, since without the restructuring, I can't pay my existing mortgage tomorrow.
But this I do know and affirm...I'm not going away. Even if I lose my farm, and all my animals, etc...I will continue to try to achieve what I set forth above. It's called being human, and passionate, and is the one thing that the corporations can't take away from us.