the school year. Don't worry. I am not suicidal, even though I am temporarily abandoned as Leaves on the Current has been away for several days at a seminar at William & Mary.
I am exhausted by school - today I crashed, accomplishing little of what had been planned for the day. This evening I glanced through a number of old diaries as I was deciding which to call to the attention of an old friend with whom I am again in contact who is herself a very successful author. And that process of rereading lead to a period of reflection, with Bach in the background (I almost wrote "bachground"). Since I had not yet posted a diary today, I thought I would inflict my thoughts upon whomever might be so foolish as to read my words. So be forewarned if you continue reading.
About 10 days ago I had my end of year review with my principal. We have learned since what we had suspected - he will be leaving us, taking a promotion that can be of value for the entire school system. But now we wonder about who might replace him, and what it might mean for each of us, and for the school. He would tell us that the school has a culture that derives from the staff, and that it is up to us to continue that.
This is relevant because I shared with him the fact that I am considering taking retirement after next year. I could move on to other things while drawing a small pension. That could include teaching in another jurisdiction, perhaps training to become a principal in an inner city school, maybe even moving into politics or policy on a fulltime basis. He pointed me at how much of my energy comes from my interactions with the young people who allow me to share their lives - I think he knows me well.
And so I start with that. I am not a biological parent. I do not have that intimate relationship with a few whose lives overlap with mine for many years. As a high school teacher at most I have direct contact for 3 or 4 years, and in a few cases if the student desires some occasional contact beyond that. It makes the time I do share that much more precious.
We have 4 days for students next week, although as the scheduled date for finals ends on Tuesday there will be few students present on the final two days. With few exceptions all students have completed their work for me, and the grades could be submitted. I stayed at school yesterday until I had finished grading the final essay papers they do in lieu of an in class final examination. And while we will do some additional discussions on MOnday (largely so I can have an excuse to nudge up the grades of a few good kids who are on the margin) my responsibilities to them are now complete.
So I begin to look back, to see what I may have learned, what lessons can be applied to the teaching of next year, even as I also start to deal with the parts of my life away from school - catching up on reading, on the tasks around the house that have been neglected in the intense final weeks of AP tests, state tests, finals, collecting books, and taking apart my classroom (the latter task will be complete before I leave the building on Monday).
Because I teach government this has been a very intense year. Those who regularly browse my postings know about some of the issues that have inevitably entered the four walls of my classroom. I do attempt to model being an active citizen, participating in the shaping of our society. This has also been a year of much activity - the election of Jim Webb, involvement in attempting to reshape educational policy, writing about and lobbying on NCLB.
On Tuesday I will take time to talk with those students present, perhaps one at a time, about what I have learned from them, about what I see. I don't wish to embarrass anyone. For whatever reason I seem to have a fair amount of insight into these young people, and it can sometimes be helpful for them to realize that an adult sees into them and still likes them. But many, like I did as a teen, have carefully composed personae - masks, if you will - that should not be taken away from them in public settings. It is part of what makes it hard to reach them sometimes: I know what is going on, and yet if I attempt to address it, it would be a violation of privacy and would perhaps lose for me the opportunity to actually reach that student in a meaningful way.
Perhaps that is why I so enjoy the final projects, where there are few restrictions. A goodly number of students trust enough to share - perhaps by gently chiding me, perhaps by exposing in the project the feelings they have that they were reluctant to demonstrate in classroom discussions.
I am behind on a commitment. By now I should have drafted the plan for Education Uprising / Educating for Democracy and circulated it among the members of our working group. Every time I sit down to work on it I realize that no plan can hope to address what I know is most important. And that is what I learn from being among adolescents every workday for 10 months a year.
We adults have a responsibility at which we are not very good: far too often we for the best of reasons impose our views, our wishes, upon young people. The very structure of school demonstrates often the worst example of this. And too much of our political discourse is similar. We hear about issues of national security, of preparing for global economic competition, or ensuring that students are prepared for the challenges of the future. But too often those challenges, those issues, are defined too narrowly. Oh, we speak in global or national terms, to be sure, but to me that is precisely why they are narrow.
I worry that our young people are not given the time to play - and here I mean not only physical play, but to play with their imaginations. I worry that we do not provide enough of an opportunity to safely take risks, to be able to make mistakes and learn therefrom. Most of all, I worry that we do not address the souls of our young people. I do not use the term "soul" in the sense of a particular religious belief, but rather in the sense of what makes each person absolutely unique yet simultaneously connected with every other person. Call it basic humanity if you will. Yes we need to prepare our young people to be able to support themselves. The vast majority, lacking the wealth of the very rich, will have to learn something about be able to delay gratification. They will need some capacity to support themselves. But surely we know that money, economic output, wealth, prestige are not the only measures of a person. There are also issues of self-worth, integrity, kindness, decency, and so much more. If in our schools we do not model this we cannot expect that the quality of our society will not deteriorate. If we adults cannot reasonably consistently demonstrate that we value some of these things more than power, control, dominance, and riches, then we cannot complain when students see nothing wrong with cheating to get ahead, or undercutting others for one's own advantage.
Learning is more than merely an intellectual exercise. School needs to serve much more than being a place of mental discipline.
I think part of what makes me so tired is attempting to maintain some sense of all this against the currents much of education, which seems to push ever more, faster and faster, with little time to breathe.
Perhaps the rules we impose to maintain order are flat out silly. Perhaps the reason we are constantly battling students over dress, Ipods, cell phones, and the like, is because students see no purpose to the rules on such items other than to force them to conform. Perhaps the way we approach school actually discourages many students from taking on self-discipline, and interferes with the learning processes we claim we want them to develop. I am just musing here, I don't know.
I am responsible for a panel and a roundtable at Yearlykos. I have commitments to Congressional and Senatorial staff on issues related to NCLB. And as I begin to get some time to breathe, I wonder if any of this really addresses what should be important in our public schools?
I do not think our schools can exist in separation from or in conflict with the lived values of the larger society in which we operate. If we expect to prepare students to be participants in a democratic republic we cannot continue to deny them meaningful opportunity to exercise democracy in the institution in which we require them to spend a significant portion of their waking hours. I also think the vast majority of our students would rise to the occasion were we to give them more freedom accompanied with responsibility for what happens in their lives. I am not being idealistic, that is, I am not positing this in the abstract. I think what I am saying applies not just to kids from highly educated, upper middle class, white families. Students are quite capable of grasping issues of power. If we make them attend school under punitive rules, in depressing and often decaying buildings, sitting in very uncomfortable seats for more than 6 hours a day, carrying around 20 or 30 pounds of books at a time, we should not be surprised if they do not view school as a positive experience, but rather as something to be gotten through. If we place all our emphasis on scores on external tests, it should not be shocking if at the end of those tests students shut down.
I am tired because I am living a contradiction. I teach in a structure with which I do not agree. And somehow I have to try find a way to mediate the conflict so that my students do not lose the possibility of the joy of learning.
Were it not for the moments of excitement in class, where the students take over and their learning, their commitment becomes palpable, with little intervention on my part, I am not sure I could keep doing this.
I think I am also tired because I have not been willing to push the envelope as much as I think it needs pushing. And now I will be entering a school year where I will not be working for the a principal who has known me for 7 years, who thinks I am one of the best he has ever seen in the classroom, who therefore is willing to let me take risks, knowing that I will self-correct, learning from my mistakes, even as I am modeling that behavior for my students. Will I be able to build upon the insights I think I am gaining if our next principal is not so willing to trust me?
I am never satisfied with my teaching. I can always see things I can do differently, better. I agonize over the students I don't reach. It is now the end of the year, and despite my varied efforts, some students will fail, too many as far as I am concerned. But I cannot in good conscience give them a passing grade merely so they do not have to repeat the course - that would be unfair to them, but it saddens me. One young lady is failing the course for the 2nd year in a row, largely because she is unwilling to make the effort to learn. I suspect she will drop out over the summer: mine is not the only class she is failing for the 2nd time. She is an openly gay Black female from a church-going family, and that has created major conflicts for her, in both her immediate and extended families. She is weak in academic skills to begin with, and the energy spent in the family conflict has kept her from coming for the extra help she so desperately needs, and which I and other teachers (and student tutors) have offered. I cannot be blamed, and yet I agonize.
I am now 61. Each year I live it becomes harder to keep pushing myself. The periods of recovery take longer, be they weekends or vacations. And because I am active in the political and civic life of my community there is never a time when I can be completely "down" - in Virginia we have state elections in odd numbered years, so the political cycle is neverending.
I think I am reaching a point where I do have to let go of some things. I cannot let go of the concern I have for each of my students, so as long as I remain classroom based I am going to continue to get worn down. So perhaps I will soon reach a point where I must either leave the classroom or else begin to eliminate some of my other activities. That is part of what I will have to consider as my time becomes more flexible after this forthcoming final week of school.
For now? I will continue with most of what is on my agenda. I will even continue to post nonsense such as this diary, although hopefully future endeavors will have more meaning for others.
But the time may come, and perhaps within the near future, where one of things that will become less part of my life will be electronic posting. I have to decide what value I give for the effort expended, and ensure that I do not so exhaust myself that nothing is effective.
Peace.