July 14 - 17, 1994
Here's what's happening. I'm working on my auto-biographical creation, which requires resurrection of the past. This is part of that. All is as it was then, except You Are There.
I had my sex reassignment surgery (SRS) scheduled for August 9, 1994. It was to be performed by Dr. Eugene Schrang (doesn't he look straight out of Dark Shadows?) at the Theda Clark Medical Center in Neenah, WI. Neenah is known, I'm sure among other things, for being the home of Kimberly-Clark Corporation (yes, Theda was one of those Clarks), as a center for sex reassignment, and for where manhole covers come from.
I had noticed that most transwomen sort of "disappeared" during the months immediately before surgery, perhaps withdrawing inward as the surgery date approached. I decided that I would delay that "withdrawal point" as long as possible. There are 32 entries in the series (there was no entry for July 23). They are offered in the hope that someone somewhere will find them useful.
So I kept an online diary. There was this new Web thing after all, so I might as well see what use it could be put to. They were also posted to some email lists.
The technology has improved. So I am reformatting for this new-fangled blog thing, rather than that proto-blog. Some links will be added, as well as possibly, some commentary.
Twice a week makes more sense. Wednesdays and Sundays have been chosen for a start. Past episodes are here.
Date: Thursday, 14 Jul 1994
Dear Diary:
I guess I should have talked to a wider assortment of friends before I applied for the loan. Yesterday evening, I talked to several local friends on the phone, trying to come up with a little extra money to get me through this month, and a few of them told me I was doomed as soon as I filled in the "unmarried" slot on the application. Apparently banks in Central Arkansas just don't make unsecured loans to unmarried women. This information really angered me.
I hate to do it, but I guess I need to approach a few of my colleagues and see about borrowing some money. A week ago, everything seemed to be in order. I still have enough money for the surgery, but I have some bills which really need to be paid soon. And, not having any income until the end of September, I've had to pay some of my bills ahead of time.
The university president finally responded to my request that he give me a reason for not allowing me medical leave. His reason was that it was "non-emergency" surgery taken at a time when classes were in session.
A little history: I was offered medical leave as a knee-jerk reaction when I first notified my employers that I was transsexual and would be transitioning on the job. At the time, they wanted me out of their hair as fast as possible. Now, when I can actually use it, I can't get it, of course. Meanwhile one of the vice-presidents of the university took medical leave last year to "dry out." I guess that is considered "emergency" treatment.
Oh well. Life can't be all roses.
Love,
Robyn
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Date: Friday, 15 Jul 1994
Dear Diary:
I met my new physician for the first time. Sue is really nice. She's never had a transsexual patient before, but she did study about us in med school at a time when surgery was performed here in Little Rock. The physical exam was cursory, just trying to see if there were going to be any complications during the surgery. I seem to be in good health...even with the stress I have been under lately, my BP is 120/80. My temp was a little high for me at 98.4, but that's probably because of the summer cold I currently have. There was some blood in my urine, which she is culturing, but the minimal amount of it may be due to the Peyrone's Syndrome, she thinks. In any case, she doesn't think it is anything to worry about. She concurs about staying on the spiro until about 4 or 5 days before the surgery and gave me a new scrip for it. She doesn't really know about post-op estrogen dosages, so I told her what some of my friends are on and she is going to write me a scrip, probably for .05 estinyl, though for some reason we couldn't find estinyl in her medication guide.
We chatted about lots of things during the hour she examined me. I think I am really going to get along well with her.
Having only to pay $5 for the office visit and physical was nice, too. :-)
Irene went off to do her military service today. I know she is going to hate it, but everyone does it in Israel. She is really sweet, though she worries way too much about me. I'll miss her. She probably won't be back on the net until I am back at school teaching in September.
I went to the bank again today, to finalize my loan. I've already got a break on the charges, since the CD rolls over to 3.75% instead of the original 2.75%. Of course, I'll lose the extra because of the loan charges, but at least I won't have to pay as much for them. While I was there, I got two of the three cashier's checks drawn up. I'll have to go for the other on Monday since the loan was deposited to my account and I have to wait for it to get on the computer before I can withdraw it. I'm still a bit confused as to whether I need to pay Schrang up front for a graft or wait until we see if I need one. I know he does a graft almost all of the time. I guess I'll ask some of my friends.
On the way back to the school (I walked there and back, a total of about 2.5-3 miles), I noticed that time has sped up considerably this past week. I have been busy, so that's probably why. I wonder if it is going to slow down again next week. Almost everything that I can do know has been done and there are still 22+ days to go until I leave for Neenah. I have to go to the airport to pick up my plane tickets of course. And I need to go to Walmart to fill my scrips next week, as well as purchase items for the recovery period. I've considered going out to the Kimberly-Clark plant here in town (Conway Mills) to see if they have free samples (they make maxipads here :-) ). Gee, maybe I could get an endorsement contract like the sports stars do for Nike, etc. :-)
Well, that's about it for today. I'm feeling great, except for the cold, which mostly affects me only in the morning. Emotionally, I'm ready...although I know that can change between now and August.
Love and Peace,
Robyn
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Date: Saturday, 16 Jul 1994
Dear Diary:
Believe it or not, I've started packing for Neenah already. I haven't decided on which clothes to take, although it will be sort of a load since I will be gone from here for over 4 weeks. I have developed a reading list however...some books I've been meaning to read for awhile now:
The last of those books is a compilation of poetry by Nebraska women and is a gift from my daughter's partner, Julie.
With the net down, I turned my attention to cleaning my apartment in preparation for my departure. I doubt very much if I'll feel in the mood to do cleaning when I get back here, at least for a couple of weeks, so I'm trying to make it as aseptic as possible now. I know it won't stay that way in the four weeks I am gone...bacteria does grow places, but if I have it clean as possible now, it will be better then.
I told my chairman that I very well may spend some time in a wheelchair when first returning to work. I do not intend to push myself too hard.
I had to "butch" it up a bit today :-) Bill and her husband came to pick up the car and we spent 3.5 hours getting it into running condition. They spent $200+ on it, but we did get it fixed and I'm not going to have to pay to get it towed away. As to the question of whether air had been let out of the tires or something else, we discovered knife punctures in all four sidewalls. I have some really nice neighbors, huh?
Love and Peace,
Robyn
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Date: Sunday, 17 Jul 1994
Dear Diary,
Having no net.access, I called Steve, one of my colleagues in the math department, and he invited me over for the evening. Steve has been the most supportive of my colleagues. I'm sure he doesn't understand a lot of this, but he is very pleased that I am happy. Steve has been a true friend.
It's a pleasant 7 block walk to Steve's house from my apartment, and I took the time (early evening) to look at the trees and flowers along the way, spotting the occasional cardinal flitting by and listening for sounds other than passing cars. When I got there, Steve was just finishing watching Sandlot with his daughter Sarah. It seemed a harmless enough movie, although very reminiscent (to the point of plagiarism) of The Wonder Years.
Steve and I spent the evening listening to music, from Tracy Chapman to new age to medieval folk songs to even a Monty Python bit.
We shared stories of our past, which is always fun to do with Steve. He is 6 or 7 years older than I, so we are close enough in age and temperament to have complementary stories. We also drank a couple bottles of wine between us and he asked about how things were going as to getting ready, so we talked about that for awhile. Steve is one of the most accepting individuals I have ever met. He's not gay himself, though he got out of military duty during Vietnam by claiming it. He has two favorite cousins, both women who he suspects are lesbians. When he told me that one of them lives in Provincetown and the other in Santa Cruz, I thought that there was little doubt about that :-)
All in all, the evening was very pleasant...just the sort of relaxing evening I was hoping it would be (and usually is at Steve's).
Steve is thinks he's going to be moving. :-( Peggy (his wife) has already moved, having taken a librarian position at Chapel Hill in North Carolina. Steve will be following her to NC if he can find a job there. That's one less reason for me to stay here. I will miss Steve. [Didn't happen.--ed]
I did pick up on the fact that next year's Joint Mathematics Meetings are in San Francisco (moved away from Denver because of Colorado Amendment 2) [For more, see here: A Supreme Response--ed]. That will be a good reason for me to return there to see my friends again. I dread going through the cattle call job market they have there though.
I'm seriously considering foregoing the graft portion of the surgery. My penis is not as long as it used to be, but it's still over six inches when erect. I realize that this means I wouldn't be as deep as other women, but I'm not interested in having sex with men anyway and I think about whether or not I would heal faster without he graft. It is something I need to consider in the short time I have between now and surgery.
Love and Peace,
Robyn