Dear Judge Walton,
I'm beginning to think that the neocons and neofeudalists have a point about Scooter's sentence. Oh, it wasn't excessive. It was just inappropriate. It's been a long time since I took Psych 101 but if I recall correctly, in order for punishment ot be effective, it must be swift, appropriate and proportional. (or something like that) And while I think orange would be very flattering on Scooter, jail is only going to make him bitter and will provoke endless whining from his friends. What will he learn from that?
You see, Libby carried out a "political hate" crime. Rehabilitation from this kind of crime necessitates that the criminal be put in direct contact with his victims until he understands the impact of his actions. This is especially important for the courtiers of the Versailles on the Potomac. Like Marie Antoinette, Scooter is really a nice person. All his friends say so. But like Marie Antoinette, he can't know how important bread is to the masses if he is isolated from them. So here are my suggestions for Scooter's community service so that he gets to know exactly who he screwed.
Disclaimer: I Am Not A Lawyer, (although my academic advisor said I would make a good one. She is not responsible for my assault on science instead.) so I don't know how Scooter will be able to do these things if he gets disbarred. Hopefully, the disbarrment can be delayed until after he's performed these tasks. Ask the presidents to look into it. They seem to be able to do a lot of neat stuff with that commutation thing.
My suggestions for Libby’s community service are related to his offenses. That is, he lied about a conspiracy to shut up a whistleblower who was exposing the facts surrounding WMD and the Iraq War. He ruined the career of a valuable intelligence asset and our ability to gather intelligence about WMD, specifically nuclear materials. Therefore, Libby shall:
- Provide legal assistance and document preparation for amputees and other severely disabled veterans of the Iraq War. He shall do this in person.
- Accompany service personnel to family residences to announce the death of a soldier in Iraq. He shall provide legal assistance and document preparation to affected families for benefits and insurance.
- He shall provide legal assistance to families of military personnel serving Iraq for bankrupcy proceedings, divorce proceedings, child custody proceedings and re-employment.
- He shall be assigned to a nuclear reactor research center run by the Navy and shall be taught to calculate nuclear fallout after a nuclear accident or deliberate attack. He shall assess the safety of the environment after such nuclear incidences and estimate the number of immediate deaths and deaths by cancer due to radioactive fallout. (My Dad worked in this area and walked me through it at age 12. Not pretty, not pretty at all)
- He shall report to the honorable Joseph Darby and will watch the tapes, made by our military contractors, of the abuse that took place in Abu Ghraib prison in 2004. He shall interview prisoners from Abu Ghraib and shall provide legal assistance for them to be compensated by the US government for thier injuries, both mental and physical. He will negotiate with the families of women who have been dishonored while abducted and will provide compensation to them so that they can start a new life elsewhere. He shall apologize to them personally.
- He shall transport to the United States for medical treatment children who were injured by car bombs or by the US military as collateral damage. He shall pay for their medical treatment. The number of children will be equal to the ages of his own children. For example, if his daughter is 13, he shall transport and care for 13 girls. These girls should be the same age as his daughter or +/- 2 years.
- He shall provide legal assistance to whistleblowers. He shall prepare documents for them to receive compensation.
- He shall work with the Iraqi ministry in charge of antiquities to recover all of the "vases" looted from the Baghdad museum after the fall of Saddam. He shall personally wrest the items from the hands of his friends and colleagues in possession of these goods and will return them to the nation they were stolen from.
Yep, that oughtta do it.
Kossacks, add your own suggestions below