The Archdemon Beelzebub. Both Romney and Thompson issued a press release that said having the Archdemon for Republican VP would be a "natural fit and a continuation of the prior administration's programs."
Beelzebub himself seemed perplexed but also seemed to welcome the opportunity to officially join Team Republican. Appearing on Fox News Sunday where he serves as evening anchor, the Lord of the Flies still expressed astonishment that ALL the Repub candidates recommended him for the VP slot. "Damndest thing I ever heard," he said, scratching his snout, "I told them I could never hold a candle to Cheney and not to get their expectations too high. They seemed to understand."
"Speaking for the Underworld---and of course, it's subsidiary, Fox News--I am proud of the fact that I've been chosen to carry on in the grand tradition of Gothic Horror on a Grand Scale, but everyone has to understand that the current gang will be a tough act to follow."
The ArchDemon seemed to take great pains to lower expectations for post-election evil, reminding the interviewer that "converting an area the size of Iraq into a Hell-Friendly site was a job for the ages--and not something that happens every year, you know. It took lots of work, not only by Lord Cheney, but by lesser demons as well---Rummy, Lord Bolton, that bald-headed guy with the Family Group, and of course, Lord Henry-- All did a fine job. And of course, I can't forget the subcontractors--the media guys like subDemons Hannity and Hume. It was a group effort."
Asked about the goals of the new 2008 administration, the new VP candidate flicked his tail thoughtfully. "Truth to tell, there's not much more evil we can do, really. Lord Bush--has spent all the medical research money on Iraq, so we still have our old standbys-- disease and pestilance. But the nukes are getting rusty and there are no more fighting vehicles left--so plans for invading America with its own military has been put on hold. Other than mosquitoes, West Nile and the occasional mass shooting there's not a lot left to really do in the way of gothic horror."
Then, Beelzebub brightened. "But the American Enterprise Institute has offered us some of their idea people---and, naturally we're going to re-hire Dougie Feith and you know--the guy who spits on his own comb---"
Beelzebub turned to an aide with slicked back hair, "What's his name, Tom?"
"Wolfowitz."
"Yeah. Wolfowitz. That's him. Spits on his own comb. I love that, ya know." Beelzebub paused to light up a Marlboro. "And we're also bringing Phil Gramm out of retirement. You know, to make credit cards manditory for all those baby boomers. So rest assured, by the time we leave office, there'll be hellholes all over the planet. Might even be one in Nebraska. Personally, I'm looking forward to it. It'll be quite an administration---maybe even more horror-filled than the last one!"
When asked whether his boss expressed objections to him holding two jobs---Republican VP Candidate AND Vice-Lord of the Underworld," Beelzebub chuckled, "He won't care. After this gig destroying America, I hear he's gonna take off a few years in Paraguay."