There is a back to school vibe in the air so here is the syllabus for all of you students hoping to become part of a major "news" network. It thrills me to no end when I come across a good reporter or publication, but that basically is because they are so far and few between. People I once admired greatly now are viewed as corporate puppets.
While what is posted below is meant to be taken lightly, the subject matter is truely dark, the death of the free press in America. And while I hope you do find a good job when you get out of school, I also hope you will retain the desire to do good work for your readers.
Main Stream Media/Yenta Media 101 Syllabus
I - How to begin an interview with:
a. "What do you say when people say..?"
b. "How did it feel?"
c. "What role did God/Margaret Thatcher/George Bush play in this?"
d. "Are you worried/concerned/terrified?"
II - How to fake your credentials:
a. for CNN
b. for NBC
c. for CBS
d. for ABC
e. for NPR
f. not needed for FOX/Wall Street Journal
III - How to smile as the world falls apart
a. sexy smile
b. cute smile
c. goofy smile
IV - How Not to Report on American Business
Your corporate owners most likely have some vested interest in pretty much any American-Based Corporation so it is best not to do any stories on the failings of American Corporations. Instead, we will show you how to focus on foreign owned entities.
V - Becoming an Elitist Twit
In order to do stories about people you must gain their trust, which is to say that you must become just like them, this section of the course will focus on:
a. Public Behavior vs. Private Behavior
b. Targeting Endangered Species for Clothing and Wall Placques
c. Pretending you are more manly/feminine than you are.
d. What to Drive
e. How to Look Down at Everyone
f. How to Delete Email
g. How to Miss the Point
VI - Feel Good Stories
a. Where to Find Them
b. How to Create Them
c. When to Use Them
VII - Pro-Corporate "Stories"
Every Corporation can benefit from some free advertising, so when a Corporation releases a new product, changes a menu, switches a policy, it is crucial for you to run three or four stories on how this will effect customers and their bottom line.
VIII - Blue Eyes Blond Hair
If any victim of any crime has blue eyes and blond hair it should instantly be promoted to the number one slot. Exceptions: White Collar Crime or Gun Crime.
IX - Reducing Your Thought Patterns
In today's hi-tech world with ever smaller communication gadgets it is imperative that you reduce your thought patterns to fit to scale. Excerises will include:
a. Reducing a 2 paragraph AP Report into a 3 Word Headline and Specualtion
b. Using Street Slang to Appear Cool
c. Shutting Down Sections of Your Brain
d. What Flavors of Kool-Aid to Drink