That's right, you lucky Democratic leaders! I'm putting myself out for hire as a political adviser. You see, unfortunately, I find myself without a job right now, and while I've enjoyed job hunting so far, Smalltown, USA isn't overflowing with opportunities.
So I thought, "You know who could really use my help? The Democrats!" It's a perfect fit, really. I need a paycheck and, apparently, the Democrats desperately need some help.
My qualifications and portfolio are available for your perusal in The Conversation Pit.
My card:
First, I think we can agree that you need some assistance, individually and collectively. Seriously, you're stumbling around, veering off message, confusing your constituents, and generally making a mess of things. I can help and, frankly, my rates are probably a bargain compared to some of the current "professionals" you've been hiring.
Here's a sample of what I can offer:
"George Bush wants to do what? Hell, No!"
"George Bush wants what? Who cares what George Bush wants?!?"
"Bush wants to do What to the Constitution? Hell, NO!!"
"Republicans are saying what about us? Who cares what the Republicans say?!?"
"George Bush wants to do What to our Civil Rights? #%&*$ NO!!"
As you can see, I have a keen insight into the psyche and needs of the Democratic constituency, and I'm not afraid to make bold decisions. Allow me to rephrase that - I'm anxious and willing to make bold decisions.
As your political adviser, I intend to put Americans and America's well-being first. I'm not interested in what the Republican Party or the Bush administration have to say, because I'm not a Republican. Sure, I'll listen to Republican citzens, but at the end of the day, I'll advise you to do what's best for America.
Here's a bit more:
"Republican policies are dangerous for America"
"Executive privilege is not a right. You will answer to the American People!"
"FOX News said what? Who cares?"
"It's time for honest government and honest policies. This is not negotiable."
"It's time to do what's right for the American people."
My methods may seem counterintuitive or perhaps even outlandish, given the current political environment. But I assure you, after you've spent some time using my methods, the benefits to the American people will become obvious. Yes, I can offer buzz words and slogans, if needed, but I prefer to roll my sleeves up and get my hands dirty helping you with the actual business of leading and governing and actually helping Americans.
I'd like to take a moment to discuss some of my qualifications. I'm an American citizen, I'm in the very special 25-54 demographic, I've worked blue collar and white collar jobs, I live in the heart of The Heartland, I've never voted for a Republican and I really don't give a damn what they have to say, because they're ruining America. What else... oh, yes - I'm available immediately.
If you're looking for someone who's neither impressed nor amused by what the Republicans are offering, and is ready to help you stand up and make the right decisions for the American people, then I'm your candidate.
I know - being a Democratic leader can be hard. But I can help you do the right thing and make America a great nation.
I look forward to discussing any opportunities with you.
Ripley
(Actually, I'm only half-kidding. If there's a Dem leader or group out there who's willing to let me work from home, I'm open to discussing something with you. Or, if you're racked with guilt over recent 'leadership' decisions and simply want to consider this diary a helpful off-the-rack consultation, I have PayPal.)