DES MOINES, IOWA (AP) -- Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney has been surging in the polls ever since it was revealed that his five sons formed their own citizens militia to protect rural Iowans from Islamofascism.
Romney says he gets daily progress reports from his boys about their battle to free Iowa from sectarian violence.
Romney: So, boys, how are things on the front lines?
Son No. 1: It's hell out there Dad.
Romney: Don't say hell, son.
Son No. 1: Sorry, Dad. But yesterday we stopped at this rundown diner for breakfast because we thought we might find some authentic poor people for a photo-op and they served my French toast without powdered sugar. I nearly fragged the waitress.
Romney: Well, you can't frag any waitresses son. How would that look on TV?
Son No. 2: I made some progress Dad. I caught some liberal infiltrators at one of our fundraisers.
Romney: How did you know they were liberals?
Son No. 2: They were wearing T-shirts that said, "Peace." They whined about the Constitution (dances around in a mocking voice squealing "Freedom of speech, Freedom of speech"). We threw their asses out. (laughs hysterically).
Romney: (Laughing) Good work son. We don't want our contributors exposed to such radical and dangerous ideas.
Son No. 3: I nearly bought the farm yesterday Dad. I was driving my Hummer through downtown Des Moines when a rocket from an RPG smuggled in from Iran whizzed across the front of my vehicle. And then IEDs started going off all around me. A piece of shrapnel took out my driver. I was screaming into my iPhone, "Blackhawk down! Blackhawk down!"
Romney: Calm down, son. Did you forget to take your medication again yesterday?
Son No. 3: Sorry Dad. I guess it was just a flashback to that night we stopped the recount in Florida.
Romney: That's OK, son. Don't worry. I'll bomb Iran when I'm elected.
Son No. 4: Dad, I just finished reading Bill Kristol's fascinating biography of how Commander in Chief Bush saved Texas and Alabama from the VietCong and so I decided to do the same for Iowa.
Romney: You weren't drinking alcohol and whoring, were you son?
Son No. 4: It was for our country Dad. Sacrifices have to be made.
Romney: I suppose in time of war it is permissible. Did you get any?
Son No. 4: I found two scantily clad liberal women in a bar so I decided to see if I could glean some actionable intelligence from them ...
Romney: Sluts!
Son No. 4: ... so I plied them with strong drink -- scotch and water.
Romney: Not Chivas, I hope.
Son No. 4: No way. The cheap stuff.
Romney: Thank God.
Son No. 4: Anyway, once I got them good and drunk I took them back to the hotel for some intensive interrogation.
Romney: Did you have to torture them?
Son No. 4: Well, there were handcuffs involved.
Romney: And what did you learn?
Son No. 4: Nothing about the liberal attack plans Dad. But there's this thing you can do with your tongue ...
Romney: (Whispers) Tell me later son.
Son No. 5: I had the best experience of all, Dad. I spent the morning at an RNC phone bank operation. Heroic volunteers were calling Iowa Republicans to remind them that if Democrats win the terrorists will come for their children and force them to have abortions. Other volunteers were placing voluminous calls to Democrat HQ to disrupt their hate-filled message.
Romney: That's beautiful son. (tears well up in eyes).
Son No. 5: All of a sudden, out of nowhere, some sleazy Democrat trial lawyers stormed in with subpoenas saying they were going to sue us. It was a frightening moment. But we were very fortunate that Attorney General Gonzales happened to be visiting that day. He took those subpoenas and wiped his ass with them.
Romney: That's how you have to deal with those civil rights freaks.
Romney: Well, boys. It sounds like you had a good day. Go out there and protect America. And remember -- Semper Lie!
Son No. 5: I think that's Semper Fi, Dad.
Romney: Yeah, whatever.