Though many people enjoy the glitz, glitter, and gowns of the Oscars, I find myself more entertained by the companion Golden Raspberry Awards, affectionately known as the "Razzies." Yes, the red carpet may be a bit more sparsely populated, but where else are you going to see such nail biting results as Lindsay Lohan tying for Worst Actress with Lindsay Lohan?
Al Gore may have that Nobel Peace Prize, but does this carry the glamor of the Ig Nobel Prize awarded for investigating the medical effects of sword swallowing? I think not. And what modern political award can come close to the glory of the Flying Fickle Finger of Fate? The recently departed conservative icon, William F. Buckley, won the coveted "rigid digit" for his impressively brief distillation of all conservative philosophy: "Never clarify tomorrow, what you can obscure today." Match that, Jimmy Carter.
No one is quicker than journalists -- who report on award shows and know that a good set of awards can result in keen parties, swag bags, and considerable exposed cleavage -- to develop awards of their own. Pulitzers, Peabodys, Polks (quick now, which one of these did Bill O'Reilly actually win?) the stream of journalistic backslaps mounted on a plaque seems endless. And that's not even counting how many times they get together with the folks they're supposed to be objectively reporting about to split a plate of lobster and a barrel of champagne. The tuxedo rental nearest the Washington Post probably gets more business than all of Iowa in prom season.
So it only seems appropriate that an industry which dispenses so many lauds and honors deserves yet another award: the Opprobrium Awards for Outstanding Performance in the Achievement of Journalist Shame. Please note that these awards exclude the likes of radio pundits and everyone with a toe in Fox News. There are several reasons for this. One is a sense of fairness to the rest of the field (running a bad journalism contest in which Bill O'Reilly was allowed to participate would be like listening to an old 45 that had gotten stuck repeating the same name over and over). Another is that typical journalistic categories would seem a bit tame (Our nominees for the "Most Creepy Discussion of How I Would Kill an American Political Figure" are Glenn Beck, Michael Savage...) Mostly it's because there's little point in handing out awards to conservative pundits for being idiots. That's like giving the sun a certificate for being yellow.
Just as first Academy Awards had only a few categories, the initial list of Opprobriums is brief, with each category named for it's worthy winner. The name of the winners has been sealed in an envelope held under Funk & Wagnall's left armpit since noon on Tuesday (okay, actually it was just Funk). Walk carefully down the yellow carpet, take a seat, and please, hold your applause.
The first category is Worst Editorial Achievement. This is truly a small-'d' democratic category. Despite the name, people from all walks of life are invited to play at writing these columns, and most of them couldn't actually "edit" a third grade term paper given a fist full of red pencils. Just ask the editorial board of the Wall Street Journal. Bad editorials are so common that its difficult to sort through the mass of stinkers and find one skunk that outsmells the rest. Fortunately for the judges, there was one name this year that produced unmatched odorosity.
This editorial cannily predicted not just the decline of visitation at Daily Kos at the start of the same month in which the site smashed all previous records, but engaged in "grave-dancing" over the idea that Senator Obama's victories were the "last nail in the coffin" for Daily Kos. This insightful political sage argued that the young voters supporting Obama were foreshadowed in the election of Joe Lieberman despite Lieberman actually losing that same cadre of voters, and that Lieberman and Obama were two sides of the same coin. While bad editorials are common as dust and awful editorials are a plague on the ground, this kind of accomplishment has to be recognized. Ladies and gentlemen, for outstanding -- some might say superhuman -- efforts in the realms of self-aggrandizement, self-delusion, and spin, the award for Worst Editorial Achievement goes to political commentator Dan Gerstein. To immortalize this accomplishment, future recipients of this award will receive a "Golden Gerstein!" Take a bow, Dan.
It seems appropriate in a set of journalism awards that one should go to an actual journalist. So if you find one, call me(rim shot). The next category recognizes the reporter who has done more to degrade the public discourse than any other, the reporter that has practiced Simply Sleazy Reporting. Fortunately for the judges, the choice in this category wasn't exactly difficult. After all, there is one reporter who has proven herself in one political season after another. One who is more willing to spread wild rumors and repeat the ugliest of talking points. One ready and able to quote well-known political enemies as "inside sources" of their opponents. One reporter whose insight starts in the sewers and never rises above the gutters. You knew her for innuendo attacks on Howard Dean and John Kerry, and how you know her for her fact-free assaults on Senator Obama as an America-hating empty suit. The winner the Simply Sleazy Reporting Award goes to Nedra Pickler. Congrats, Ms. Pickler. From now on, reporters who (as you did) get their political quotes from the founder of C.U.N.T. will know they are the proud owners of a Sour Pickler Award.
And now it's time for the lifetime achievement award. Yes, yes, the list of achievements was short and giving a lifetime award the first time around seems odd, but since Gerstein assures me no one is reading, why bother with more? For this lifetime achievement award, the category is Outstanding Career Accomplishment in the Art of Stenography. There's a term for repeating what the administration tells you without question. It's called "White House Correspondent." However the occupants of the new press room can't hold a candle to the achievements of our winner. It's one thing to repeat someone's lies while standing on the east lawn. It's quite another to repeatedly deny the evidence of your own eyes and Keep Fear Alive! no matter what. The highly deserved award for Lifetime Achievement in Stenography goes to Judith Miller. Keep typing them up, Judy. I'm sure those WMDs are in the next warehouse. From now on, this award will be simply the Miller Award -- and will be shaped like a metal tube.
That's all folks! Photo opportunities are around back. See you at the party.