Some rowdy thugs came around to my house the other day and started leering and making inappropriate remarks. The cops showed up and arrested the creeps and took them away. Then I got the bill, and I fainted. When I regained consciousness, I called Gold Shield Insurance. They carry my police coverage.
"What does 'NRC' mean?"
"It means 'nonreimbursible call."
"And I have to pay THREE THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED BUCKS?"
"I'm looking at the chart, sir. There was no property damage, no personal injury, no loss."
"But those punks said they were going to chop off my dick and feed it to me."
"We can't pay for your sensitivities. If we reimbursed police protection for everyone who just felt threatened, we'd have to pass the added cost along to consumers."
"But the cops arrested them!"
"Of course. We don't deny protection. We deny coverage."
"What was I supposed to do, wait until they got out a knife and pulled down my pants?"
"There's no need to shout, sir. In the future you might consider purchasing 'Gold Key' premium coverage. For an additional $500.00 a month we'll cover police protection not only from actual assaults and other crimes committed against your person, but from crimes against your property too, and Gold Key Premium also covers credible threats of harm to you and your property."
"What do you mean, 'credible threats'?"
"What if it turns out you got threatened by a midget? Insurance fraud hurts everyone. It results in added costs which unfortunately we have to pass along to--"
"Stop. You people make me sick, you know that? Our lives are in your hands, our safety, our families. There oughta be a law."
"I'm not here to discuss your Marxist views. Do you want the Gold Key coverage? I'll be happy to process it for you."
"Okay, do it."
"I have to ask you a few questions. Has anyone ever threatened you personally before?"
"Just in high school. Over a girl. This punk threatened to knock my teeth in."
"Okay. I have to tell you that you won't be covered for any incident involving sexual jealousy."
"What are you talking about?"
"Pre-existing condition. Anybody ever threaten you for any other reason?"
"The thing the other day."
"Okay. We won't cover you for sexual jealousy incidents and we won't cover you for punks with knives. No other exclusions, except the usual--"
"The usual?"
"Sure. What if you go in some crummy neighborhood and get rolled? We won't cover that. Stay in the suburbs."
"What if I want to go downtown and something happens?"
"That's another NRC. $1,250.00 or more. Depending on the neighborhood. If you go uptown--"
"You're punks," I screamed. "Thieving lousy stinking greedy punks and you should all be in jail."
"Will there be anything else today, sir?"
"Yeah. The wires in my house smoke."
"Please hold for our fire department."
There was Muzak.