Some of the recent talk about Hillary Clinton having more balls than Barack Obama got me to thinking about how we teach manhood in young men America. I'm a longtime volunteer in my neighborhood, dealing with young men via the PAL (please support us!)
I love this quote:
Hillary is the tougher of the two, the candidate you want on your side in a knife fight, a gender reversal that prompts Carville to indulge in some ribald humor: "If she gave him one of her cojones, they'd both have two."link
Funny! I thought I may lay out my own personal rules on manhood, which are pretty easy to follow.
- Never carry an umbrella.
Dude, it's just water. As a man, you should be able stand that. You look dainty with that umbrella. Did you ever see Bogey with an umbrella? Of course now. Get yourself a good trenchcoat and a hat with a brim. Wear waterproof shoes. And if youre really ballsy, just take off the hat and stride through the torrent with a Clint Eastwood style squint in your eye.
- Carry a Swiss army knife or some form of pocket tool.
I can't tell you how many times I've had to pull mine out for this or that purpose. Thats right...when the laser printer breaks down and all the schmucks are standing around saying "anyone have a screwdriver" you'll be me Mr. Boy Scout as you quickly unsheath your mini Phillips-head and go to work.
- Keep your hair short and simple.
Keep it Ceasar-like and don't get creative with length, color, or weird shit like braids or dreadlocks. No swooping bobs or splits down the middle. Balding? Go all the way. ROCK the baldie. No mohawks. In other words, find your nearest clean, upstanding looking West Point graduate and copy that guy. Get your haircut at a barber shop where there are other men getting haircuts and men cutting hair. None of this unisex stylists, salons, or any shit like that. And speaking of nails, just cut them with a regualar clipper. No manicures or pedicures.
- Give it a rest on the tatoos.
Look, this tatoo shit is getting out of control. I watch NBA games and it looks like Im watching one of the MSNBC "Inside a Prison" shows. If you insist on having one, have it because you did something really significant in your life that was much bigger than yourself. A Marine "Battle of Fallujah" tatoo would be appropriate, for example. Don't just put something on your body because you think its cool.
- Don't be fuckin broke.
Your job, as a man, is to make money, period. Nobody likes a broke ass man. If you are able bodied and mentally stable, you should be able to find a way to keep money in your pocket, even if you have to push right up to the boundaries of the law. And another thing, don't carry your cash in your wallet. Keep that for credit cards and ID. Carry your money in a big wad in your front picket, union boss style. And always TIP GENEROUSLY, especially moving guys and waiters.
One is bringing you food, and the others are handling your shit.
- None of this "man-bag" shit.
The latest thing I've heard about is the murse, or man purse, or man bag. This is the clearest sign I've seen of the complete and total breakdown of Western Civilization. Look, if you are a guy, every fucking thing you need should be on your person: your watch (make it a good one), your money, your keys, your wallet, your phone, and your pocket knife. You DO NOT keep these things in a bag. Women do that. If you need a bag, it should be because your computer, important files, school books, or gym clothes are in it. There is no other reason a man should be carrying a bag, unless its an overnight jump off when youre at your GF's place.
- Smell good, but not too good.
Don't go crazy with the aftershave, lotions, body sprays, and especially cologne. Just wash your ass and put on some deodorant. Fresh and clean, thats it. Now, you may want to spray on a little something for the ladies if the occasion warrants it. Here's my rule: just spray a little on the chest and back and stop right there. Women have very acute senses of smell, so you dont need to over do it. If a man can smell you, or you can smell yourself, you've got on too much.
- Beer. Drink it.
- Acquire some skill at hand to hand combat.
You never know when you, your wife, your GF, your mom, or your children will come under attack. It is up to you to be prepared. I don't care what you take be it Aikido, Boxing, or my personal favorite- Krav Maga, you need to be able to beat the shit out of somebody if you have to. A little bit of Goju-Ryu and weapons training can't hurt as well. believe me, you can really fuck a dude up with a simple rolled-up news paper or a perhaps a phone book. Some guys like firearms, some don't. That is up to you. But every fellow should be prepared to defend both his own honor and that of his woman with confidence and skill.
- BE A GENTLEMAN.
This is more important than all the others. Smile when appropriate. Be gracious. Open doors. Say "Thank You" and "Please." Let people walk in front of you onto the elevator. Watch your language around ladies and the elderly. Say "No Sir" and "Yes Maam" to your superiors. Learn how to properly address potentates like Senators, Bishops, or Ambassadors. Keep some freindly, jovial banter at the ready for any occasion. Don't confuse cynicism with wit. Treat waiters, delivery guys, janitors, etc., as social equals at all times. Sit with your back stright and stand with your chest out and chin up. A little social graces wont kill you.
Well, I'd say that pretty much covers the basics. Feel free to add other fun suggestions!