After Bill's most recent outburst today in which he harshly criticized the press for treating Hillary so poorly, and after Hillary herself criticized the media and the Obama campaign for, as she claims, inflaming the fires of the RFK non-troversy, I've realized that, as an Obama supporter, I've greatly sinned against the Clintons and therefore owe them a multitude of apologies. This list is but a start, as I'm sure I'll continue to debase and degrade Hillary Clinton through my support of Obama, and will need, at some future point, to publish another list of apologies.
- I apologize that you did not prepare for a long, drawn out contest, and that you assumed that you would win by February 5th. Though I don't live in a state that voted before or on that date, I do have friends in California, and tried my best to get them to vote for Obama. I see now that had I not done that, and had other Obama supporters sat on their hands, your plan may have to come to fruition and the pain you are going through now could have been avoided. For that I am truly sorry.
- I apologize that you did not know how to manage your money. Some argue that it was your own wasteful spending and arrogance that led you to blow through your treasure chest of cash before being forced to lend tens of millions of dollars of your own money to the campaign, but they are wrong. I, and other Obama supporters, are clearly in the wrong on this one, for if we had not contributed so much money to Obama, you would not have had a challenger spending so much money on advertising and GOTV efforts. I do hope you will accept my apology.
- Bill, it was not your fault that by mentioning Jesse Jackson in reference to Obama's South Carolina win, some believed you were trying to inject race into the contest. No, the fault here lies with the media, who simply reported what you said, and for that they should be ashamed.
- Now would be a good time to apologize to you, Hillary, for your comments denigrating Obama's Commander-in-Chief credentials. You were simply stating facts, and any one who thinks that Obama has done anything besides give a speech in 2002 is clearly not getting your email lists. It was wrong of me to cite Lugar-Obama to counter your claims, and I apologize for my petulance.
- I am sorry that I think you should gracefully exit the race and throw your support to Obama, considering the fate of past nominees whose challengers hounded them through the summer. Even though I was under the assumption that a long, drawn out process would eventually harm the eventual nominee, as has happened consistently in the past, I was wrong to apply the same historical metric to you, for you are, I see now, somehow different.
- I apologize for insinuating to friends and acquaintances that you, Bill, have been trying to stir anger and resentment among the working class white voters in small towns and rural counties throughout the country, stoking racial and economic fears and attempting to provoke a class war. I see now that you were merely saving us from ourselves, and that in your effort to fracture the party, you were actually building it. Kudos to you, you friggin' genius. I'm sorry I ever doubted you.
- Finally, I'm sorry that I took you at your word, Bill, when you stated that only the heavy-hitters should get in the ring of national politics. You stated that it gets hot in the kitchen and if you can't stand the heat, you should get out. I failed to understand, though, that you were talking only about other people. On the one hand, I wish you had been more clear when you stated that, but ultimately I think the blame here is mine, as you are Bill Clinton and never wrong. Still, I think it's horribly unfair that people are being critical of you and your wife, as I think you've made it quite clear that being critical of your opponents is necessary, essential, and fair, while criticism of the two you is sexist, horrible, nasty, low-down, and mean. It was not my intention to fail to understand your double-standard, Bill, but that is precisely what I have done, and for that I ask for your forgiveness.
As I've said, I know that I've missed some transgressions here, and if any of you could help me out, perhaps we could compile a more comprehensive list.
Let me be completely clear here. It is my belief that the Clintons have received a bum rap in this race, and more importantly, I feel personally responsible. Though they had the connections, the money, the experience, the stamina, and a press corps sold on the idea of their inevitability, it has now become clear to me that had I not supported Obama, and believed him to be the best candidate, the personal pain and tribulations of the Clintons could have been avoided completely and their supreme belief in their own supremacy and bottomless arrogance vindicated.
Bill, this is all my fault. Hillary, blame me. But please do not burden yourselves with the thought that you ever once made a mistake in this race, as you are incapable of fault and this fallen, fallible, and broken young man is the one responsible for your ultimate failure. We all are.