Pain that can't be explained. Too ugly. Too dark. There is nothing I can do. No relief. I've robbed my children of the ability to feel safe in this world, having to hear their only parent scream like someone was torturing her.
I sometimes get mad at my children for being so special. If they weren't such amazing people, maybe I wouldn't hate myself so desperately for forcing on them this unhealthy reality. Sad logic I know, but pain makes you think in strange ways.
I think, I can't die. But I keep thinking about that kid who did, who had the same problem as me. Last year in PG County, Maryland, 12 year old Deamonte Driver died because his mother didn't have insurance and couldn't afford to get an abscessed tooth pulled. The bacteria migrated to his brain and killed him.
When the pain gets extreme, I think about him. I intend to maintain the will to stay alive, but my body needs to get with that program.
I have often gone through 100 500mg doses of vitamin C a day, for 3 or more days. Years ago I read that Linus Pauling did some studies in the '50s and found that vitamin C acts as a natural antibiotic. I think, if I can at least get rid of the infection, I can hold on, so I can deal with the underlying cause, which vitamin C can't do anything about. It works, but slowly. I do this vitamin C routine for days before the pain lets up, but it does. My stomach feels gross -- all of that acidity from the vitamins and no food for days. Can't eat at all when it's bad. Nothing but water. I sip water the entire time -- nonstop. Can't go to sleep because I have to keep some water in my mouth, right on that tooth. It takes the edge off ever so slightly, but the pain becomes searing without it, so I can't go without it.
Believe it or not, I'm actually somewhat successful in my field. I grew up in the projects and didn't go to college, but I found a way to do the whole bootstraps thing and create a career for myself. But sometimes the corporate world makes it hard to be at all present as a parent, particularly when you're the only parent. So I left the corporate world and worked for myself for some time, in hopes of being able to be a real parent, and in hopes of not having to tell my kids "not now, later" for days on end. And in hopes of not having to be a liar when later never comes.
And working for myself, I never did generate enough money to buy insurance. I sucked at business -- I had enough of it, but I never knew how to charge enough for my services. I have an actual job now.
This has been my life for 5 years. And I am only telling you this for one reason. I would not otherwise share something this personal in a diary. (I've talked about this in comments, but putting it into a diary is pretty scary.)
I am only sharing my story because there are other people like me. And one of them, who happens to be the beloved brother of one of our fellow Kossacks, is suffering more than me. I can't know what I know, and not try to help him.
If you can please just give $5 to Alan, you can help him afford the cost of staying alive.