First of all, let me just say I am not a racist. Some of my best friends are white. My wife is white. My daughter is white. Hell, I'm white.
But I'll be honest. White people scare me.
To death.
As you know, White America has poured its long-frustrated hopes into John McCain. His election will mark only the 44th time a white man has ascended to the presidency.
If he does not prevail, who will face the task of asking these White Americans to put their dreams on hold for another four years? What's going to happen if McCain has this election stolen from him by, you know, being beaten fair and square like a parade drum?
I think you will agree that the possibilities (which I will address below the fold) are terrifying.
- Unforeseen levels of sand-pounding.
I think it is safe to say that no playground sandlot will be safe from increased pounding at the hands (fists, really) of disgruntled WAs.
You've seen this behavior before. Who can forget the outbreak of sand-pounding when Outkast's "Speakerboxx/The Love Below" bested Evanescence's "Fallen" for the Album of the Year Grammy in 2004? I know I remember where I was. A McCain loss would make that nightmare look like a picnic.
- Fewer picnics.
It is safe to say that WAs will sharply curtail their picnicking activity in the days, weeks and months following an Obama victory, which will ripple through the picnic sector of our economy.
It gets worse. Fewer picnics, of course, means less food for wild ants, which means less food for birds, which means more bees, which means more people getting stung, and probably, eventually, a complete collapse of the food chain. On the other hand, it also means more short-term honey supply, which means decreased prices for honey, which white people love, so there's that.
- Increased religion-clinging.
If McCain loses, mega-churches will be nuts-to-butts full of disgruntled, dazed white people, listening to sermons about how "bad things happen to good people." As churches overflow, expect new churches to pop up to meet the demand for sweet, sweet spiritual succor. Petitions will circulate to have Ronald Reagan sainted, and Nancy Pelosi excommunicated.
On the other hand, expect Free Republic's "Weekly Prayer for the President" thread to completely disappear.
I'm sure this is the tip of the iceberg. If I've learned something in my 40 years as a white person, it's that you never know what a White American is going to do.