You may have heard bizarre stories about how upperclassmen abused plebes at the US Naval Academy back in the day. But no matter what you may have heard, the truth is even stranger. You see, upperclassmen were responsible for shaping young men (there were no women way back when) into America's finest officers. They were also responsible for weeding out slackers and scumbags. Sadly, at least one slacker scumbag in the class of 1958 managed to game the system and slide through. Midshipman 4th Class John McCain.
I graduated from Annapolis 14 years after McCain, but since he continues to be a total screw-up, I still reserve the right to drag his ass to justice.
COME AROUND MIDSHIPMAN MCCAIN!
CUT TO: McCain braced up in front of Anglico's door in Bancroft Hall at 0530.
MCCAIN: Sir, Midshipman McCain reporting as ordered, sir!
ANGLICO: (nose-to-nose with douchebag McCain) You are a pathetic sack of crap, McCain. I can't believe you're even still alive. Your daddy must have pulled a whole shitload of strings to get you into this place. I told your ass to be here at 0515. You are 15 minutes late. Give me twenty push-ups. Hit it.
MCCAIN: But sir, I can't hit it. I was tortured as a POW ...
ANGLICO: You want to know about torture? I'll tell you about torture, McCain. Torture is what lying dickheads like you are doing to the United States of America. You are lower than whale shit in the bottom of the ocean, McCain Your breath smells like a goddamn dumpster.
MCCAIN: I am not a lying dickhead sir.
ANGLICO: You said you suspended your campaign.
MCCAIN: (squirms)
ANGLICO: That makes you a lying dickhead. Am I right?
MCCAIN: Sir, yes sir! I am a lying dickhead.
ANGLICO: Lying is cause for immediate expulsion from this institution, McCain. Give me one reason we shouldn't run your slacker ass out of here right this second.
MCCAIN: I was tortured, sir.
ANGLICO: You ARE torture, McCain. Every time you open your lying mouth you are an embarrassment to every honorable person who has ever graduated from this Academy.
MCCAIN: But I'm rich, sir. I have seven houses.
ANGLICO: You can't even brag without lying, asshole. You have nine houses, and you got them all because you are a gold-digging scumbag.
MCCAIN: But I WAS TORTURED SIR! Ask Governor Palin!
ANGLICO: What you're doing to this country with your chickenshit campaign is criminal, John Fucking McCain. And I for one am not going to let you get away with it. I am taking you to Honor Court, Mr. McCain. You will be judged - and you will be judged harshly.