Alternate title: HEY! I can be Karl Rove too!
Lets face it, Republicans: McCain is toast. Palin was a disastrous choice who is going to go down in flames at the VP debate, should there even be one. You're stuck with a guy who would rather try to weasel out of a debate than have one.
Bush had charm, and he's sadly lovable in the dumb puppy who pissed on your carpet way. McCain is mean, angry and comes off often as creepy. He reminds us all of our own mortality.
There's no saving this ship, Republicans. So here's some advice.
- Pull the RNC Money: Shift focus from the Executive to the Legislative.
You're not going to get McCain elected. Given how poorly he's doing this far out: it's not even going to be close. Obama has had less gotcha-gaffes than I've seen from any major American politician since I've been following politics, and if you're waiting for him to implode you'll be very, very sad come November 4th. Not to mention while waiting for Obama to make a mistake, McCain is going to make fifty.
But the one way you can effectively spend your money is preventing a 60-seat Democratic Senate. Sure - you won't be able to save more than one or two Senators and you'll still lose by landslides in both chambers - but preventing a 60-seat Democratic Senate is attainable. And more importantly: it's probably the only attainable goal you have in 2008.
- Distance yourself from McCain and Bush.
McCain's going down, Palin's going down faster and anyone sticking up for them sounds like more and more of an idiot the harder their campaign tanks. Tie McCain to Bush. Tie Palin to Cheney. Make sure everyone knows they are one in the same: and then run against both. If you're running against your own Party's nominee, you'll get an instant boost of credibility for honesty and you may be able to save yourself.
- Actually be the Conservative Party
Smaller government is easy to say and apparently impossible for your Party to put into practice. Now that the media is slowly waking up and doing their jobs: do you think running as the same big-government over-militaristic party is going to work out? Next time, come up with a nominee who actually believes this and will make it happen. And make sure he wasn't running as a big-government candidate yesterday.
- Grow up
You can be a conservative and still believe in things like climate change, free health care and helping the poor. Ask the British. Remember: if the American People approve of something in the 80% range, helping make that a reality may boost your poll numbers. Shockingly enough - you can be a conservative without being an uncaring douchebag.
- Become a Blue Dog Democrat
Apparently, they're the only reason that any legislation gets passed ever. But more importantly: they're pretty much Republicans. You'll never be expected to vote with the Party and nearly everyone will vote for you thinking a D means change.
And finally, my most important piece of advice:
- Don't do any of these, be the block-headed political Party you've been since 1994 and continue helping prop up the sloppiest, most dishonest and most desperate political campaign I've seen in my 25 years on this planet.