Last night I woke up to find a glow-in-the-dark hand writing on my bedroom wall. This is what it had to say:
I am Ummababalulu, God of inappropriate humor and second rate results, fear my wrath. Woe unto ye of little fact, paltry imagination, and faulty logic. Know that when you spout drivel I shall be there.
Atheists take heed, 'denial is not argument' goes for you too, and even though you may be right about something it doesn't make being an asshole politically correct. And by the way, more wars have been fought for profit than religion, no matter what the propaganda said. But take heart atheists, I'm on your side. There has been a great outcry against religion, and I'm all for it. It's just that I'm fed up to the halo with the sheer ignorance of your toothless savagery. Second rate atheists, get a grip! Hell will be an ice skating rink before you manage to gum fundies to death at the rate you're going. Don't you know, every time you make a factual error you flush your argument down the toilet?
Frankly, most of us here in the pantheons are sick of this universe, and your planet especially. For one thing, Christianity isn't the only religion. Don't get me wrong, Jesus is okay, it's Yahweh (my brother) that's the problem. He didn't create this universe on purpose, you know. It was me just as much as him and it was an accident. We were watching a ballgame at the Elysium Fields and got into an argument. I said something and he said something and lightening got flying, then bang! Here we were. Everyone in the bleachers next to us got sucked in too.
His name isn't really Yahweh, although I've got to hand it to him, that JHVH thing with Moses was brilliant. "I am that I am." What does that mean? Everybody got so hung up, they totally skipped over the line about "Thou shalt have no other gods before me." He never said he was the only God, he just claimed to be number one. And see, that's the problem, he was always a smart one, always the pretty one, sucking up and making everyone adore him. Now with so many fanatic fundamentalists, he's sopping up all the faith and leaving the rest of us deities bupkis. His real name is Umababayaya and where we come from he's just one of the guys.
I mean, if he's so all wonderful, how come he's still single? If he has family values, where is Mrs. God? Holy Ghost? My ectoplasmic patoot! And since when do family values include somebody else's wife having your baby? You know, when Jesus said that thing about God as a loving father, he was including himself, but he didn't mean it literally. That virgin birth bit was just part of St. Paul's marketing strategy to sell the faith to the goyim. Jesus never said or did anything that would mean any less coming from a normal person. In fact, if he wasn't a normal person, a real man, where's the sacrifice? The crucifixion would've been about as meaningful as a rich kid giving up a week's allowance. The only thing wrong with Jesus was that he loved everyone, including the assholes, and that's why so many of them are Christians.
Anyhow, we'd like to go back to the home dimension, and we figured that if people would just stop believing in Umababayaya he'd get bored, and want to go home too, and then we'd all have enough juice to get out of here. I'm not asking just for us. Do it for yourselves. You're a lot better off with just Kosmos and the Tao. All this time you've been so proud that he created you in his image, but you've never really taken a good look at yourselves have you? You don't really deserve a personal God. Every time you blow nose you want a miracle to wipe it off. Gimme, gimme, gimme, if you could just suspend the laws of mathematical probability this one time, so I could win the lottery..." creator God? Yeah, sure, you only have to look at the job he did on you to know what kind of creator he is. I've got news for you, it was DNA not dust, that Methuselah guy was so old he was half deaf and too senile to write anything down right. Most of you don't want a real God, just a spiritual ATM. None of us really likes humans, you know. You're one of the main reasons we want out. You remind us of him. As far as we're concerned, your whole species sucks. Ask any other species on your planet, don't take my word for it.
You humans need to check out your belief systems. Magic, religion, and science: 1, 2, 3, in that order. There's no reason to throw sand in the cultural transmission. Get it wrong and you'll never make it to fourth gear. By all means vent. I'm especially fond of ridicule, but be careful of the scorn. All little goes a long way. You should know the snake didn't lie to the Eve. If you can just get off planet without blowing yourselves up, you'll find out you aren't all that different from us.
Bless you my children, go forth and believe no more.
Signed, Ummababalulu, the comparatively (to you), almighty.
Then the moving hand, having written, stopped and fell on the floor. But before I could pick it up, my dog ate it.
Well that's it. I don't know what to think. I just had to tell somebody. Can anyone suggest something that will remove ectoplasm? My apartment's beginning to smell funny.