Dear members of the Kos community, at great personal expense and risk, I managed to plant a recording device at McCain’s final rehearsal for the upcoming 3rd and final 2008 Presidental debate. I am writing in haste because black helicopters are circling overheard of my secret location. If I am lucky, these vehicles are just part of an aerial wolf hunt that Sarah and Todd Palin are hosting for their campaign donors. But nefarious forces may be seeking to keep this important information from going public. So, I will transcribe as much of the recording as I can before the Palin-troopers come for me.
Quick notation guide
IC = image counselor
Mc = McCain
IC: Okay John, the focus group results are all showing that you have to do better in your interpersonal moments with Obama. Getting your body language down is job one. So, let's start with eye contact. You just need to periodically look at Obama in an attentive and respectful manner. Pretty simple, so let's practice.
Mc: Stares intently
IC: Okay, okay. Ah, John you are spooking me bit. Your eyes look a bit angry and, I don’t know, a little unhinged. All the instant response data have shown a strong negative spike whenever the audience thinks you are going to tear Obama’s heart out. So, let’s try it again and dial back on the intensity.
Mc: Stares intently
IC: OHHkaaay. John that one makes me a little uncomfortable too. That is the look you use to steal a quick peak at Sarah’s ass. We can’t afford to lose the homophobic vote. It is very important that we not inadvertently signal that you are sexually attracted to Obama. Let’s try it again and dial back a bit on the leery lustfulness.
Mc: Stares intently
IC: Oh, fuc.... John, that is the panicked looked you get whenever you suddenly realize you don’t know where you are. Not the right signal to send in the debate. Let’s try it again and dial back a bit on the senility.
Mc: Stares intently
IC: You know, eye contact is really over rated. Let’s go back to the first debate plan where you spun in complete circles to avoid acknowledging Obama’s presence. I think that is the best we can do under the circumstances. So, lets move on. John, here look at these numbers [McCain moves ominously closer; IC takes a few steps back and says "John ah, you okay? Remember- Me friend; Not enemy; You safe." McCain puts down chair]
IC:[Deep breath} Now John the “my friends” mode of address to the audience simply has to go. People hate it, hate it, hate it. You need a new phrase, so let’s try something else but something that feels natural for you to say. Let's here it.
Mc: My friends, you know that my opponent is a...
IC: Ah, John helloooh, did you not hear me, no “my friends.” Zip, nadda, none
Mc: Oh sorry, for a moment there I thought I was crawling along the jungle floor of Vietnam with a bayonet in my hand and then I came upon a stinkin’ gook AND...
IC; John, I have heard the story a million times, relax, just go to your happy place now. Al, get the tranquilizer gun ready just in case. So, John let’s try it again from the top and remember without any “my friends.”
Mc: My fellow Americans...
IC: Ah, too Nixonish
MC: My fellow prisoners...
IC: Ah, too flashbacky.
Mc: My fellow ungrateful, unpatriotic traitors who don’t seem to understand the horrific pain and suffering I endured at the Hanoi Hilton and who now are going to vote for “that one.” Well, I am going to kick your treasonous, Muslim loving asses and send everyone one of you rotten sons of bitches straight to hell....
IC: You know, “my friends” is really starting to grow on me. Let’s just stick with that. Let the voters know, John McCain is a maverick and a maverick says “my friends.” That is a winning message, yessireee.
Now, John listen carefully, uh can you listen without looking at me, something about your glare makes my skin crawl for some reason, just stare at the wall over there. Good. Now, all our polling data shows that we have one and only one chance to pull out a win. We must brand Obama as a dangerous radical who can’t be trusted. So, we have to sell that smear in this final debate or you might as well start writing your concession speech right now.
Mc: I know how to do that my friend. Here is what I am going to do. During the debate, when I am responding to one of Obama’s answers, I will say “My friends, just look at the liberal voting record of Barack Hussien Osama. Then I will say directly to Bob Schieffer, "Oh my, did I just call Obama Osama? Then I’ll smile like this [flashes massive yellow-toothed rabbit-with-rabies grin] and say “Oh well, who can tell the difference really?” Man oh man will that bring the house down just like my “thank you, thank you” crack did during the last debate.
IC: [Stunned silence]
Mc: Oh yeah I got another one too for my closing statement. Here it is, "My friends, you know John McCain is a maverick and mavericks do not condone negative campaigning. Let me reiterate something I have been saying throughout the campaign, my opponent is a decent family man who sympathizes with terrorists, wants to eat you children, and force all of your wives to be part of his harem. Oh yeah, Obama is also having an illicit affair with Freddie Mae and Fannie Mac. So, he is a bisexual, Muslim terrorist, liberal but a decent one!!!!"
IC: Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, oh gee looky here I just happened to find some brand new invisible focus group data. It says, we should not go negative. What a timely coincidence. So, yeah John that sure was great stuff but no arguing with the focus groups [nervous laughter].
So moving right along. That crazy shit you made up about buying all those bad home mortgages did not fly at all in the last debate. The conservatives blogs thought you had lost your mind and the liberal blogs well, they always thought you were crazy so they just laughed hysterically. So, we need an economic plan that is BIG, BIG, BIG but that is also remotely plausible. So, let's hear it.
Mc: My friends, you know that I know how to fix this economy and I know that you know that I know to fix this economy. That is something we all know. But did you know that I fixed the economy in 1902 when I worked hand in hand with my hero and maverick mentor, Teddy Roosevelt to break up the big trusts? Did you know that I fixed the economy in 1929 when I stood up to my members of my own party and fought against the policies of Herbert Hoover and introduced the New McDeal? Did you know that I fixed the European economy in 1947 when I reached across the aisle to co-sponsor the McCain-Marshall plan. I ask, where was my opponent in 1902, 1929, 1947? He did not even caste a vote in those times of crisis. I guess he was just too busy palling around with Bill Ayers to care about breaking up the trusts, ending the Great Depression, or rebuilding Europe after the devastation of WWII. So, who can you trust to know how to fix the economy in 2008!!!!
IC: WOW ! John you are on fire, my man. That is the John McCain I want to hear. I just checked the average IQ of our base voters and that argument is going to work great!! Now, give me something for the independents, cross-over democrats and all the other voters who are not inbred morons. Keep it rolling baby, remember big economic plan, go...
Mc: So, my friends, if I am elected President, my first action will be to authorize the Secretary of the Treasury to send every man, women and child who is a US citizen a check for one million dollars. That is right my friends, under a McCain administration you will all be millionaires. You won't have to depend on big government for health care because you will have plenty of money to buy coverage no matter how high the profit gouching rates of my many donors in the insurance industry go. And, let me also remind you that the tax plan created by “that one” will raise your taxes because you will be fucking millionaires just like me and Cindy. So, take that Mr. Harvard-law-school-I-understand-the-economy Barack Hussein Osama!!!! BWWWWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! And you know what else, I will tell Sarah Palin to sell our god damned national debt on E-bay!!!! E-bay versus a tax increase, whose got the better economic plan now??Heh???!! Heh????!!! Heh?????!!!
And everybody thinks Warren Buffet is such a financial genius and its such a big damn deal that he is supporting "that one." Well screw that, if I am elected president, I will appoint Warren Buffet to be the personal investment adviser for every American. That's right my friends, if I am President, Warren Buffet will personally come to your house once a month and manage your 401k! That's a maverick plan for ya. Oh hell, I am tired of all this campaign bull shit. Come on Obama, put up your dukes boy, let's just settle it right here mano, mano.
IC: Psst, get me the number of Obama’s campaign headquarters. Maybe, they need to hire an image consultant for his inaugural address.
BONUS:
For those who read through this post:
Olbermann rips McCain for his associations with terrorists