Kossacks! Let us know take a moment for mirth and merriment. Prepare your debate drinking games and take note. More below the fold...
From our good friends comes these profound thoughts:
Since we are on the verge of electing a black president, it seems important to explain why white people want black friends. Every white person wants a black friend like Barack: good-looking, well-spoken, and non-violent. Obviously, whites want black friends so as not to appear racist. However, if we dig deeper what we notice about white people is not if they have black friends but in fact, how many black friends they have. White people like numbers. They like to count things like stars in the sky and the death toll at Mt. Everest and the number of times they’ve seen Tori Amos and/or Phish in concert. Counting the number of black friends is then clearly a divine imperative. The number of black friends white people possess also illustrates their comfort with black culture. Here’s a handy guide to the number system:
1—The white novice. This black friend is the gateway to helping white people understand gang signs and Vietnamese beauty supply stores. This black friend is probably the only black friend for many white people and when they all hang out (because white people hang out) they bring their "mutual" black friend with them.
2—The white black club-goer. Two black friends serve as bodyguards when white people go to black clubs to see how exactly one "pops, drops and locks" it.
#3-4 The White "BET" -er. See Justin Timberlake/ Robin Thicke/ Jon B for more information. For old school reference, see Michael McDonald.
5 and up—Impossible.
And what would a good Kossack moment be without a word from our West Coast anal-bed-using-wine-loving-fire-breathing-nipple-ringed-tantric-yoga teacher-columnist?
Yes, despite how our most powerful leaders and supposedly rock-solid institutions have failed us completely, just remember, there is still good news to be had. No matter which side of the political aisle you're stuck to, this historic recession has its bright spots, its upside.
Well, sort of.
Liberals get to be happy about the meltdown because, at the very least, it means no new wars. Hell, right now we couldn't afford to invade Kentucky, much less Iran. Turns out the Bush Doctrine ("Bomb First, Ask Questions Never") is just wildly expensive. Who knew?
As Obama blearily points out, right now we're headed toward a trillion for Iraq and $700 billion in bailouts and $10 trillion in overall deficit, thanks to Bush's historic ineptitude. Whipping out the checkbook to nail Pakistan to the wall? Out of the question.
(Side note to China: Those secret plans to invade America? Now is the time. We're totally helpless. You own most of our debt anyway. Can you bring extra iPods and some decent dim sum? Thank you.)
So, enjoy the debate. And don't forget to chug each time you hear "Maverick" or "My Friends."