Senator Frist Declares Rosa Parks Alive
Washington D.C.
12/12/05
Senate Majority Leader William Frist today declared his intention to call an Emergency Session of Congress in order to pass legislation mandating the exhumation and resuscitation of civil rights icon Rosa Parks. Sen. Frist announced his intention after viewing a videotape of Ms. Parks lying in state in the Capitol Rotunda in October, 2005.
"There is no question in my mind that Ms.Parks is alive," said Sen. Frist in a statement to reporters this morning. "As a physician, I could clearly see that she was responsive to stimulus at various times during the day. She quite obviously heard and understood the condolences being spoken by the so-called mourners. It was quite tragic, actually to see her try to respond politely to the people passing by her coffin. She seemed in the videotape to be a very nice, very polite old lady."
When questioned as to why Ms. Parks' personal physician had signed her death certificate, Mr. Frist observed, "I can't answer that, but it's impossible not to note that her physician is a Democrat."
Pressed to explain his answer further, Mr. Frist continued, "Look, I'm obviously speculating here, but it is at least possible that the Democrats have simply concluded -- for whatever reason -- that Rosie Parks' usefulness as a civil rights symbol was coming to an end, so they just took the easy way out and buried her. When you think of it, the party doesn't really need her anymore now that they have such new Negroes as Senator Barak Osama to parade out on the news shows."
Mr. Frist's announced intentions were immediately and enthusiastically embraced by Republican leadership. President Bush, speaking on Air Force One en route to a major foreign policy speech, praised Mr. Frist's diagnostic skills and called for Ms. Parks' immediate exhumation. "This is a no-brainer," commented Mr. Bush. "Kinda like that woman in Florida turned out to be. Of course, everybody in the world thought she was alive at the time. We don't want to make the same mistake twice in the case of Rosa Parks."
Vice President Cheney also issued a prepared statement from an undisclosed secure location. However all details of the statement are classified.
Asked why he had delayed his announcement for several weeks after Ms. Parks' interment, Mr. Frist denied that he was attempting to shift media attention from the recently announced investigation into his stock dealings. "If Jesus can make a blind trust see, then there is no reason why a few weeks burial should change my diagnosis," said Mr. Frist.
Meanwhile Washington insiders predict that tomorrow's New York Times will carry a story alleging that in 1985, while in the Reagan Justice Department, Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito wrote a memo declaring Ms. Parks "definitively dead" .... Developing.