Congratulations, you! Your participation on DailyKos.com has earned you first-class citizenship in the United States of Faux-merica.
(Flag designed by Kos user lrbreckenripple)
Those of you living in the following states, please pack your belongs, vacate immediately and head for either coast (including the southwest coast of Lake Michigan):
Alabama
Alaska
Arizona
Arkansas
Colorado
Idaho
Kansas
Kentucky
Mississippi
Montana
Nebraska
North Dakota
Oklahoma
South Carolina
South Dakota
Tennessee
Texas
Utah
West Virginia
Wyoming
In the United States of Faux-merica (USF), you will be pleased to find that our society accommodates your heathen lifestyles.
Article I. On the Marital Rights of "The Gays"
The Gays will be pleased to learn that they now have the full rights of heterosexual couples when it comes to the institution of marriage. This includes hospital visits, wedding registries, nagging your spouse, the right to check one another into a nursing home upon incessant spousal nagging, and the right to a relatively seamless divorce. Congratulations!
On the Marital Rights of all couples, marital counseling will now be covered by the USF National Health Care System under the "Mental Sanity and Welfare" clause.
Article II. On the Right to Convene and Congregate
In the USF, Starbucks will be free and clear of individuals who order their hot beverages in increments of "small, medium, and large." You are free to order your double-shot venti nonfat Gingerbread Chai Latte extra foam no whip without eye-rolling from the asshole in the trucker hat who used to stand behind you, sighing loudly because he had to wait an extra ten seconds before ordering his stimulating morning "small black coffee."
Article III. On the Education of Children
Under the Declaration of "Hey Guy: Please Don't Kill Me," private gunownership is forbidden in the USF, ensuring that your children can once again go to school everyday without fearing for their lives.
Additionally, your children are free of Prayer in School, mandatory Pledge of Allegiance recitation, and "Bible Class." Children will be taught that gravity, evolution, and carbon dating are fact and not fiction. No child who believes that Jesus walked among dinosaurs will be allowed to graduate without a note from a medical professional.
Public schools providing exceptional, full-service care for special needs children will receive additional funding toward teacher salaries and pensions.
Article IV. On Language
Repeat these phrases out loud:
Nuclear (New-Clee-Er, not "Nu-ku-ler")
Terror (Tear-er, not "Trer")
American (Am-air-i-can, not "Mercun")
Chevre (Shev-ra, not "Huh?")
Congratulations. You are now fluent in Faux-merican.
Article V. Agriculture
All produce in Faux-merica is free of pesticide, all meat and dairy is free of hormones, and nutritional information is printed on every menu.
The official dish of the USF: Pie.
The official drink: A fine, aged Cabernet. Oh, and Key Lime Pie martinis.
How a Faux-merican orders a pizza:
"Hello. I would like an extra large thin-crust pizza with the herb crust, sundried tomatoes, speck, spinach, artichokes, and pesto sauce in lieu of tomato. Thank you."
Article VI. Freedom of the Press
FM radio stations have been recalibrated to ensure that only NPR, classic rock, and stations playing Wilco, U2, and Bruce Springsteen are allowed to air. You will never again hear the sound of Rush Limbaugh's vapid bleeting.
You will find your television is missing several channels, including the Fox News Channel, Fox Business Channel, and that channel that has church on 24/7. Do not be alarmed.
Henceforth, new radio and television material will be subject to approval by the USF Entertainment Czar, Keith Olbermann.
In Conclusion...
You will receive your full, leather bound edition of the United States of Faux-merica Constitution within the next week, courtesy of a postal worker who does not cram your mail carelessly into your box and is not required to wear those hideous blue shorts. You will also receive a delicious pie.
Welcome!