An anonymous source at the White House, while apparently attempting to place an order for 835 industrial strength paper-shredders, just accidently faxed me the text of a major address on climate change that President Bush plans to make in prime time next week.
It is particularly timely, given the food for thought offered recently in the excellent new Frontline documentary "Heat," which reveals (among other insights) how hilariously bogus "clean coal" propaganda has been, and suggests the scale of the political and technological challenges ahead in addressing global warming.
Here's the gist of the speech: contrary to what we all thought, it appears W had a broader vision, and bigger plan all along - the global financial crisis was all part of a conscientious effort to address global warming!
He also reveals his post-presidency plans.
Have a look (below the jump):
Begin Speech:
My fellow Americans, as many people now recognize our planet faces a growing crisis due to climate change. For years our enemies, overseas and at home, have attacked my administration relentlessly for undermining multilateral efforts to address this crisis.
I am here tonight to explain that, as with the war on terror, our unilateral efforts in curbing global warming are beginning to succeed beyond our wildest hopes. They have already achieved far more than any multilateral effort ever could have, in a shorter period of time.
Several years ago, Vice President Cheney and I convened a secret task force on global warming to study the problem and develop solutions. This task force sifted through all the evidence. We quickly realized that addressing the problem would take more than a massive shift to nucular power - which was a revelation to us all. We concluded that climate change was likely to continue, and that one of the biggest drivers was rampant economic growth around the world.
Because we recognize God's charge to provide stewardship for planet earth, we immediately set about creating and implementing a secret plan to arrest this devastating growth. Our goal was - at least - to reduce the growth in green house gas emissions and - at best - to reverse those greenouse gas trends entirely.
Toward these ends we took several steps:
- First, we deregulated financial markets, and encouraged our world-leading financial institutions to innovate as aggressively as possible with new financial products that would vastly increase institutional leverage and institutional portfolio risk. History has taught us, repeatedly, where this would lead.
- Second, to draw other nations more completely into our strategy, we encouraged them to deepen their engagement in the US financial system by vastly expanding federal deficits, and borrowing most of the extra funds from other countries around the world. We also kept our interest rates as low as possible to further stimulate huge asset bubbles that might attract even more private capital to our shores.
- Third, to reduce the ability of rogue nations to resist these vital efforts, we aggressively undermined international institutions, largely crippling the ability of multilateral cooperation that might work against long-term global interests.
- Fourth, and lastly, we realized we needed to create a high profile and dramatic beacon for all the world to see of the devastation that might await us all if climate change is allowed to progress, unchecked. Toward that end, we decided to let the city of New Orleans be devastated by Hurricane Katrina. (And historians will have to acknowledge that Brownie did do a heckuva job, when his actions are considered in this broader context.)
I am pleased tonight to report that these efforts to combat climate change are now starting to pay off. With the recent implementation of "Phase II" of our plan, we have made significant progress in arresting the scourge of economic growth, both here and abroad. We are hopeful, that within the next several years our efforts may result in a 10-20% contraction in global economic activity, which we are hopeful will result in a commensurate reduction in greenhouse gas emissions. We have effectively bought ourselves several more years to plan and implement additional measures related to energy efficiency, and alternative energy, that might yet save our planet before it is too late.
And we have not only bought our planet more time - our strategy is also creating significantly more leisure time to contemplate global warming for millions of workers around the world who otherwise would have been scrambling for paychecks. With more time to contemplate, and growing caloric needs, we believe that many of these workers will be able to find their way back from all of these growing elitist metropolises to the subsistance agriculture that is more in alignment with God's plan, as is revealed in many stories in the bible.
Toward further supporting this end, I am announcing tonight that I intend to devote my post-presidential career to the project of transferring the most advanced brush-clearing technologies and techniques, many of which I have been personally developing, to all of those citizens returning to the land.
Now, as with the war on terror, some may criticize my administration's secrecy in developing and implementing our global climate change strategery. However, as I hope will become clear as more people come to understand and appreciate our initiative, the United States has often achieved its largest and most long-reaching impacts with covert initiatives.
My critics on the angry left think that the consequences of our actions are unintentional. But I want on this occasion to make it clear: in truth, we've had a plan all along.
Finally, let me close tonight with an appeal. If you recognize the threat of climate change, you recognize that we must continue to shrink economic activity. Though both candidates to succeed me in the upcoming election have their strengths, I believe that it is cleary John Stanley McCain who has the greater likelihood of keeping us on the promising course we have begun.
John McCain is ready to implement "Phase III" of our plan. While I will not reveal specifics, it may well reduce global economic output by another 10%-20%, and directly address the population pressures that have long fueled this incessant drive for economic growth. I hope he will get your vote on November 4th.
Thank you, good night, God Bless the United States of America, and God Bless all the residents of planet earth.
End Speech
Whoda thunk that Bush and Cheney were secretly internationalists (in their own way) who are deeply concerned with environmental stewardship? Go figure...