Text message from my nephew’s mother.
VIP (my nephew) could use some extra prayers please. Another court hearing tomorrow. And he is scheduled to deploy to Iraq mid November.
In November my nephew will be heading for his second tour in Iraq; my sister, his mother, is proud of him but will be anxious every day until he returns. But before he goes, he has a court hearing.
Collateral Damage: Part 1
While my nephew and his wife both thought it was a good idea that he join the military, nonetheless, she divorced him about three years ago soon after she gave birth to his son. Her reason - the military. To say the least, she is not a stable woman. Her life is run by a domineering mother whom everyone in her family fears. They are monied people and are used to getting what they want, especially the matriarch. Secretly the matriarch’s husband sides with my nephew, but he is too afraid to confront the wife. Both grandmother and mother are cold people, and the child has been deprived of real, warm affection. According to experts that have seen the child, the deprivation is showing in delayed learning.
At every step of the divorce my nephew and his lawyer have had to fight for even minimal visiting rights. The mother has ignored court rulings and had never allowed the father to be alone with the child during the first year and a half of his life. She even tried to sue my nephew for the money for which the court said she was responsible. In court the judge said that she was lucky that my nephew wasn’t suing her. But of course, he’s too kind to do that.
My nephew’s requirement to serve a second tour in Iraq will be even tougher this time. His court hearing is today. He’s had so many that it’s hard to keep track of what this one is about. But this next tour will prevent him from continuing to fight for visiting rights and some form of shared custody. Each time he comes stateside, he has to go back into court to force the mother to allow him to see his son. My sister, the child’s grandmother, has had to fight just to be in the same location with the child. The mother insists that they meet in a public place and that she be there to supervise. This is contrary to court orders which she has continually defied. My nephew’s fatherhood is collateral damage. His son is collateral damage.
Collateral Damage: Part 2
I and most of the family have never seen the child. He was supposed to come last Thanksgiving but the mother, once again, defied the court order. My daughter especially wants to see him. We have looked forward to adding another member to the menagerie we call family. We spend Thanksgiving together at my place every year because that’s where "Grandma" has been living for the last five years. It’s my daughter’s family highlight of the year, and again this year she will be disappointed because there’ll be a missing member, my nephew’s son.
Okay, I had taken the family enjoyment for granted. The family is composed of a lot of different races, mixed races, ethnic groups, religions and no-religions. There are no prescribed activities, nor expected behavior or attitude. People wander around talking to each other or not talking to anyone for a while or shooting baskets or hanging around out back and nobody gets upset about what somebody is doing or not doing; the only thing that’s planned at a somewhat set time is the meal. In my daughter’s words, "We just hang." For a teenager that’s the pinnacle of social life.
My daughter is comfortable with the family; that’s saying a lot for a teenager. There is no gossiping, sniping, snipping, talking behind the back, etc. Just a lot of laughing, talking about life’s events and how things are going with each other. We might watch football or basketball or a humorous movie. We’re way too loud for grandma but she is beaming the entire time. We just exhaust her. Periodically she goes to her room for a rest.
We’re like a flock of birds. We’ll be in a group in one room, one will split off and go to another room or outside then another will follow and soon there’s another big group being way too noisy again. The kids play video games or sing to the latest hits or bang on the piano. No insults. No snide remarks. Just a very pleasant atmosphere. Of course we’ll be talking about the Lakers, talking with the parrots, holding the snake - except for my niece’s husband. All six foot five of him exits the room when the snake comes out. One of the parrots has fallen in love with one nephew’s wife. The bird starts clowning around when she’s in the room. They have an unusual rapport. Both are blondes.
This time was going to be extra special because two of my nephews were married this summer, and they would be bringing their new wives. Unfortunately, this time my Iraq bound nephew will not be here, and we’ll miss him a lot, but the religious ones will be praying for him and the agnostics will be hoping that he gets lucky. We’ll call him and everyone will take turns talking to him, but it just doesn’t feel right.
It will not be as bright a Thanksgiving. This points out how profoundly important and delicate the nature of families are. It also points out that they are a critical part that is left out of the equation when deciding about war. That should never happen.
The Damage
I know that we are not alone. Stories like this are repeated thousands and thousands of times this Thanksgiving. The families suffer. A wife needs comforting, a child needs a tender hug, an argument needs to be settled, a brother needs support, a friend needs a sympathetic ear, a father needs a companion for that important game, and a mother needs a release from incessant worried anxiety. Everyone needs to share each others presence, the laughter that comes with it and the hugs when it’s time to leave. All of these and much more are absent or diminished when the soldier is absent. And, for some families and friends they will be painfully absent forever.
As much as the press and government may announce the troop numbers, they are not 130,000 troops. They are John, Jose, Mohammed, Judy, Ismael, Turke, Fred, Devon, Maleki, Josephine, Jemani and every member of their family that are present in Afghanistan and Iraq. Every death kills the family and every wound is inflicted on the entire family. It is an element that is never considered by our leaders and unfortunately, many Americans. Much of the public never seems to awaken until it’s too late. They forget too easily how horrid the last war was. The deaths and the wounds never stay fresh, except for a few. When we are not at war we should be giving thanks, but it seems that we are just waiting for the next one.
The Korean, Vietnam, Gulf, Afghanistan, and Iraq wars have made it clear that ideology is valued more highly than family. So, in an age that touts family values as the pinnacle of its society, it is highly hypocritical and profoundly unconscionable to place so little value on families by exposing them to such terror and loss.
Everyday hundreds of thousands of families become collateral damage for an ideology that they do not know and is not of their choosing.
Our family is just one of them.
Thanksgiving?