It is extremely difficult to write this diary, but I have to get my feelings out or else they will eat the life out of me.
You know, one always think they are invisible from bad things happening to them. The economy goes bad, I'll be alright. The company (or in my case, university) is running a deficit, they won't cut a position from my department. Then it happens, and in the back of your mind you still think 'they won't cut me'. And then they do.
You realize you're not invincible anymore. And that is what happened to me today.
Here's my story.
Here's a little about me. I work at a private university, Ashland University, which is located in the heart of Ohio. I have been at the school for a little more than 2 years now, and though I have experienced my share of bumps and bruises (this was my first professional position after college), I have enjoyed every minute I've been here. The people I work with are the best at what they do. We're all here because we love working with students and we want to see them succeed.
A couple of weeks ago, as everyone remember, the economy took a turn for the worst. This made our problems even worse, because, if you're familiar with higher education, most, if not all, colleges and universities have endowments in the stock market. The boom in the market created a financial windfall for colleges that they, in turn, drew down on the interest earned to finance many different projects for the campus. Since the downturn, that money, like everything else depended on the market, has evaporated. Also adding to the perfect storm, was the fact that the University missed its enrollment target for the semester by 2 percent. For any school depended on tuition dollars, a 2 percent loss is a huge financial loss on the University's books. Coupled with higher utility prices, lower endowment dollars, and lower enrollment than budgeted for, we ended up $3 million in deficit.
Today, an all-institutional meeting was held with all staff and faculty, and we were told how the University would close the budget gap. All in all, 48 non-teaching positions were eliminated, and then my worries became fears of who were the unlucky 48. I came out of that initial meeting even more nervous than I did coming in. After the main meeting with all staff, each constituency was broken up to ask the President questions. I came back to my office, and my director asked me to come into her office. I knew then my fate was sealed.
Right now, a full gamut of emotions fills me.
Anger- why did I have to be one of the sacrificial lambs? I did my job, above and beyond the call of duty. Why should I have to pay for the misguided fiscal practices of senior level administrators?
Sadness- I built close relationships with the student I worked with, and with my fellow colleagues. I am saddened that I won't get to see my student staff members obtain their degree in May. I am saddened that I am now forced to leave the people I have considered family over the past 2 years. I am saddened that I will not get the chance to finish what I have started.
Confusion- Where do I go from here? I relocated to take this position. I don't have a car, how will I get my belongings from here back home or to my new position? Where do I begin my search for a new job? Will there even be jobs available, since a lot of schools have or are instituting hiring freezes. What about my education? I'm currently in grad school online, but there's no way I can focus right now on class and job search at the same time.
However, I am not bitter. I do not seek revenge against those who decided to eliminate my position. I am grateful for the chance given to me to grow as a new professional here. I appreciate the kind words and offers of support from my colleagues and supervisors. While I am saddened because of this decision, I know that God has a greater plan for my life. When one door closes, another one opens.
I know I will land on my feet somewhere. I'm not sure where I will land, what I will be doing, or how it will happen, but I will be ok.
To close, I leave with a poem that I learned a couple of years ago, which has even more meaning and provides me comfort while I deal with this difficult transition in my life.
Don't Quit- by Anonymous
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.
To all those who are in the same predicament as I am: Don't Quit. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. God does not put us in situations we can't handle. It may seem as if the end of the world has happened, but it hasn't. Remain positive, keep trucking along. Things will turn out fine.
Thank you, and God Bless.