A man woke up on a chilly Tuesday morning in November. The sun has yet to rise, so he laid there in bed staring at the ceiling. "Ugh, today is going to suck" he thought to himself. Suddenly his house phone rang. Startled and shaken, he picks up the phone to a raspy voice. "Have you checked the children?" Perplexed, the man asked what the hell was this man talking about, as he has no children. "Not your birth children, I know you have no balls already. I don't even mean the word 'children' literally. Just remember, today is the day you lose your spine." Click.
The man stood there, listening to the disconnect tone emanating from the telephone. Yes, the cryptic and malicious yet bizarre threat disturbed him, but something about the mysterious stranger's words didn't seem to make sense. Struggling to figure out what exactly seemed out of place without success, he finally hung up the phone and went to the bathroom to take care of his usual business.
After taking care of himself, the man looked into the mirror. He debated with himself whether or not to shave. "Not like it matters how I look, I'm not going in front of any cameras or anything today, and if so who cares?" His eyes still somewhat groggy, he stopped his chain of thought as he believed to see something in the mirror. It was a figure, a shadow of what appeared to be a man holding a knife, standing behind him, except for the face of an elephant. Perhaps a mask or a chimera, regardless the image disappeared. The man dismissed it as just his imagination, having turned around and saw nothing except his towel rack. He proceeded to take his shower.
Later in that morning at the breakfast table, he was enjoying his eggs while watching Faux Noise talking up a storm about Senator Joe Lieberman, debating what the Democrats would do. Irritated, the man shut off the TV. Noticing that he was running late for work with a very important meeting, he quickly grabbed his cell phone, keys, briefcase, and some pocket change he kept for good luck of something; he long ago lost any sense of why he always put the coins in his pocket.
As he drove to work, his phone rang again. It was the same stranger from hours before! The man screamed painfully "what do you want!? I'm busy!" The stranger laughed as an old man with a cough would. "Sir, I only want to know if you're happy with yourself, because today I want your spine and thought you may be depressed to lose it."
"Why the hell do you want my spine!? You can't have it!" the man screamed as he swerved his car to avoid hitting the man in front of him. No way was he going to get another traffic ticket, he had enough already.
"We'll see to that." Click.
When the man finally reached his workplace and got settled into his office, he chugged a cup of coffee, without even bothering to add cream as he usually did. He tried to regain his composure with useless breathing exercises as he went over some of his paperwork. He tried to understand the words he was looking at, but his mind kept focusing on the mysterious phone calls. Having been awakened early, the man was still tired and then decided on a small nap.
In the ten minutes he was asleep, he had a nightmare. He imagined himself in a mob of angry people. Without knowing why everyone was angry nor caring either way, he tried to make his way through the crowd, but every few people he shoved past a random person would ask him "where's your spine, sir?" He was too distraught to answer a single soul until he finally made his way out of the crowd, when the crowd started to chant "where's your spine" to the levels of a rocket taking off. Screaming, the man got onto his knees. "What are you all talking about!? I have my spine right in my back!"
"No you don't" whispered a mysterious yet familiar voice into his ear. Silence fell all over. Terrified, the man looked up to the whisperer. There he saw the body of a man with an elephant mask, with the voice of the phone-stranger.
The man awoke in a cold sweat. His assistant had just entered the room and, seeing the man asleep, was about to leave. Concerned, she asked if he was alright. He replied affirmatively, then proceeded to tell his dream. Smiling, the assistant shook her head and reassured the man, "don't worry, I somehow doubt you're able to lose your spine right now," and walked out. The man was momentarily calmed, but then perplexed at such an odd word choice. No matter, time for his meeting.
He walked into the room, and then all hell broke loose. The door slammed behind him, and what he saw in front of him was all his co-workers, some of them literally slouched over as if they lost their backbones. Then he felt a cold sharp knife stab him in the back! "Oh my god, I've been assassinated!" the man thought.
However, to his surprise, he felt no pain, he was not bleeding, and he had his full strength. He turned around to see the man from his dreams! The stranger chuckled and said "I guess you were right, I couldn't have your spine. I tried to stab you to get it out, but turns out you don't even have one. Oh well, just as good I suppose, though you may want to look at the lack of warm blood coming out of you. Kind of serious." Cackling with those final words, the stranger took off his elephant mask.
"Oh my god....Joe Lieberman!? It couldn't be, you can't be!" The stranger smiled at the friend he had been tormenting all day and put his hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry, pal. I'll never hurt you, at least not 90% of the time." With a wink, the figure of Joe Lieberman seemed to disappear.
Now everyone was staring at the man, asking him if he was okay. Apparently the man was either dreaming of hallucinating, or so he thought. He assured the crowd that he was okay and proceeded to sit down. At least now everyone seemed to be normal, except some still seemed as if they had soft backs. Not caring, he sat down and put his hands in his pocket. A look of dread came over him. "Fuck, my change fell out! Shit, there's a hole in my pocket. Well what can you do about it now?" he thought with another cold sweat. Then Joe walked into the room, as if telepathically hearing the man's words, unnoticed by everyone else in the room even though he was there in plain site. Smiling, he said "don't worry, you don't need it anymore" as he walked back out, still as if he wasn't really there. The man started to slouch, his back as if it turned to jelly. Then the meeting began.
In that meeting, he held a vote. He voted to let Joe Lieberman keep his chairmanship, but to maybe lose a subcommittee that the senator from Connecticut no longer really cared for. "I think this is a fair compromise" the man said out loud, with a little over half the room nodding in agreement, the remainder disgusted. The man was a nameless Democratic senator. I cannot say whom, for this story is fictional and the people matter not. However, for all I can say, it might as well been Harry Reid. Not like you can tell the difference.
However, there is one bit of good news to be had. The man finally figured out what was so odd about the phone calls in the morning. The stranger had said he wanted his spine, but if it was Joe all along, wouldn't he already know that it was gone years ago? Well, maybe the whole thing was just a hallucination, of course Joe wouldn't say something that inane. He's scum but he's not stupid; he's just an old friend. As for the children remark, don't look into it folks, it's just a rip from the movie "When a Stranger Calls". Nothing more.
--------------------------------------------------
Well there you go folks, my impromptu short horror story. Since most of you here aren't stupid, it goes without saying that this is a satire of what we're likely going to see this morning if the reports turn out to be true. Don't get me wrong though, I have no anger within me. First off, they're congressional Democrats, what were you expecting, a sign of strength? Secondly, I hardly care anymore about the partisanship involved with this. That said, Joe is a scumbag and for his failure at the chairmanship alone he should be dethroned, for his actions against the party he's CAUCUSING with he should be dethroned, for the two together he should be hung by the balls. We all know that had the parties' roles been reversed the Republicans would have expelled the rat without deliberation. Regardless of what happens, though, stop worrying so much about this scumbag. If he goes with the Rethugs, fine; he's only got four more years left before he's gone. If the Dems capitulate (why bother having the vote at all anyway?), don't be stupid and think it's all Democrats. You know there are many against this asshole. Sadly, the party's congressional leadership often sucks (face it folks, they always suck regardless of who is President) and Harry Reid is a waste of space. But think of it not as a slap in the face, but as yet another example of dealing with stupid fucked-up relatives on Thanksgiving.