I wrote this parody of the Genesis creation story at a message board I frequent in response to that worn slogan, "God made Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve!"
I figured that couldn't be entirely true. I had since rejected my atheism and reclaimed my Christianity. So, here is my parody -- though not at all meant as snark like yesterday's diary. The purpose of this parody isn't to make fun or get a laugh, but more in the spirit of post modern revisionism a la Jean Rhys' Wide Sargasso Sea to Charlotte Brontë's Jane Eyre.
We pick up on the sixth day.
Enjoy.
On the sixth day, God created man and woman, so that they might each have a mate. He named the man Adam, and the woman Eve. On the seventh day God rested. On the eighth day God gave Adam and Eve a command, "thou shall make mates of one another, show one another pleasure to show your love for one another. On the ninth day, Adam and Eve realized the meaning of God's command: they should have sex. Adam and Eve had sex. Eve had great orgasms causing her body to tremble. Adam had a minor orgasm, and was relieved that it had ended.
On the tenth day, Adam begged God for a different mate. Adam said, that despite the shared pleasure with Eve, he was not satisfied and felt lonely. God had mercy on Adam and looked deep into Adam's soul. "I see now," said God, "you are the son of the Angel Urania, and are queer like him."
Adam was stunned and perplexed, "but God," Adam asked, "what does this revelation mean?"
God told Adam, "you have the affections of a woman, but the body of a man, this is the way I made the Angel Urania, in this way you are his son. You are so special and unique that the world will revile you and reject you, but I always love you, and to show you this I will make for you a second mate."
God concentrated his powers and created a beautiful young man, who God named Steve. He told Steve his name, and added, "you shall love with all your heart and all your soul, Adam, for you too, are the son of Urania the Angel of same sex affection."
But Eve protested, "But God, I will now be without a mate!"
God told Eve, "Adam will always be your friend, and you shall share all your secrets together. But I will send you another mate, and you should call him Paul," but I warn you, if Paul should sin three times against the son of Urania, then you all will be kicked out of Eden."
So, God made Paul for Eve, and they became husband and wife. One day, a serpent came to Paul, who had never before seen Adam and Steve in intimacy. The serpent told Paul, that Paul must follow the serpent and see Adam and Steve embraced. Paul followed the serpent to the other side of a steep hill, and there Paul witnessed Adam and Steve's embrace.
Steve was laying with Adam the same way a man lays with a woman. The sight of this angered Paul, and Paul became violent. He invented names for Adam and Steve, "sissy!" called out Paul. Then he invented another word, "homo!" And then another word, "faggot!"
With that thunder broke out and a great storm came. The Garden of Eden began to fall and Adam, Steve, Eve, and Paul fled. On their way out of Eden, Steve slipped and fell into an abyss and Adam ran after him to help him and begged for Paul and Eve to help him out.
Eve wanted to help Adam and Steve, but Paul warned, "Eve, if you help these faggots, the ground beneath us should surely fall beneath our feet and we all will die!" Eve became afraid and followed Paul out of Eden leaving Adam and Steve behind. Eden completed its fall, and Adam and Steve died while in a loving embrace deep within the abyss.