Just want to document the bullet we dodged:
January 21, 2009: Sarah Palin begins spending an estimated $25.4 million redecorating Dick Cheney's bunker.
January 27: John McCain, in a pique, forces the merger of the New York Times with the Anchorage Daily News, sending all of the Times reporters to Alaska.
February 4: John McCain, on learning that he cannot fire Securities and Exchange Commissioner Christopher Cox, creates the office of Lord High Executioner, naming Dick Cheney to the post, and declares that all federal employees, including Cox, report to him.
March 4: The Dow Jones Industrial Average drops 1800 points when John McCain says that the economy is "fundamentally peachy."
March 11: Sarah Palin's 50th day without being seen by the public.
March 12: John McCain, "killing three birds with one stone," bombs the shared border of Iran, Afghanistan and Russia.
April 1: Wasilla, Alaska receives $312 Million in federal aid to deal with an infestation of Haematobosca alcis.
April 2: The New Anchorage Daily Times reports that Haematobosca alcis, or the moose fly, causes no harm to humans.
April 3: All reporters for the New Anchorage Daily Times are sent to Vladivostok to cover the anticipated first-ever permafrost melt.
Also, reporting of the Dow Jones Industrial is suspended, pending a review of the market to identify 30 companies that expect to remain in business through a McCain Administration.
April 6: Sarah Palin is rumored to be leaving the offical Vice-Presidential quarters (the Cheney Bunker). The rumors prove false; Tina Fey was visiting.
April 7: With the addition of Russian President Dmitri Medvedev, the list of world leaders with which John McCain will not meet reaches fifty. In response, Russia invades Alaska.
April 15: From the Cheney Bunker, Sarah Palin files for an extension on filing her 2008 federal tax return. No reason is given.
April 19: The New York Stock Exchange is purchased by a joint venture of the sovereign wealth funds of China, Dubai and Belgium.
April 22: Hackers break into Sarah Palin's official government email account (bqueen44@hotmail.com) and learn that she has been in Wasilla, Alaska since February 3rd, charging the government $1.2 million per diem for her expenses there.
April 26: John McCain, announcing that he is "tired beyond words," resigns from the Presidency, effective whenever Sarah Palin can be reached.
April 29: Sarah Palin is located on a helicopter wolf shoot and administered the oath of office. She immediately nominates Dick Cheney as her Vice-President, who, as Lord High Executioner, has been running the government from his bunker all along.
Also, reports from Vladivostok, Russia indicate that Nome, Alaska has been annexed by Russia, in a "settlement of the borders" between the US and Russia.