Hi, I just wanted to let everyone know that I know everything. I have the ability to understand all of the universe's secrets, and I can predict the future. If I were in charge of the Department of Agriculture, or the Presidency, or the United Nations, or better yet, the galaxy, there would be peace, prosperity, equality, and happiness.
Please, don't go. I haven't yet fully made my case to you, and as mere common folk I could never expect you to understand my supernatural ability to observe the world and then judge it with my snarky internet diction.
You see, it all started when I was young. I was endowed my Creator (whom I shall not discuss, because religion makes me uncomfortable) with the extraordinary gift of a messianic liberal consciousness. Unlike the common liberals, who use reason and observation in order to learn, I possess the unique ability to understand everything there is to know about the world by simply consulting my superior intellect.
Some say that the only events that we can be certain will occur in the future are death and taxes. Perhaps for the lowly peons that populate the hubs of political discourse lack the foresight to see the happenings to come, but I have a vivid picture of the future within my large and well-developed cranium.
For example, I correctly predicted that the Iraq War would be a disaster. Please do not misunderstand me; I did not simply evaluate the facts at hand and the dangerous instability of the country's geopolitical climate. No, I knew from the start that the war was a mistake because war is bad and peace is good. I know this information to be true because it flows from my unbelievably exceptional cerebral cortex.
I hold vast stores of knowledge about other political issues as well. For instance, I know that health care is a basic human right, not because the U.S. is technologically and financially capable of providing it to all of its citizens, but instead because I say it is.
Now that you have become acquainted with my spectacular mental faculties, you must be wondering what solutions I have for current political quandaries. I'm glad you asked.
First of all, Barack Obama must immediately suspend his nominations of candidates for cabinet posts. In his month as the President-Elect, he has shown himself incapable of judging the characters of potential department secretaries. Maybe somebody who went to Columbia or Harvard wouldn't understand what I know, but it is obvious that the current nominees are not ideologically pure enough for their prospective offices. Tom Vilsack believes in using science to engineer healthier crops; however, I know that science is only meant as a tool to fight religion and global warming. His support for the use of science in the spheres which I deem inappropriate leaves me no choice but to demand for his withdrawal from nomination.
It doesn't stop with "Monsanto-loving, weed-killing, pesticide-snorting" Vilsack! Did you know that Barack Obama is letting the evil Robert Gates remain as Secretary of Defense during the proposal withdrawal of troops from Iraq? I have inside information, which probably isn't available to the masses of uneducated Neaderthals, that Gates used to hunt puppies with Satan! Obama's ignorance in this regard is not befitting of a President-Elect. Some "pragmatic liberals" suggest that Obama is retaining Gates in order to allow a smooth transition of military forces from Iraq to Afghanistan, but I think that Obama is secretly a neoconservative.
I heard that the caterer for Obama's inauguration party once made a donation to a Republican candidate. This further illustrates Obama's failure to advance progressive values in his term as President-Elect. I have lost all confidence in Barack Obama because I know everything and have all of the answers. Obama has not done what I've been telling him to do. I call his office every day to tell him that he had better shape up or else I'll vote for Ralph Nader in 2012.
I have only one more thing to say to you ignorant fake progressives who keep asking me to suspend judgment until Obama takes office: shut your pie holes, you unenlightened common scum. I already know everything, and I can predict the future. If Dennis Kucinich and I ran the world, the Earth would be an Edenesque utopia of peace and love. But since I don't, I will sit in front of my keyboard and remain vigilant in order to prevent Barack Obama from spreading his right-wing ideas through the executive branch.