From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
BREAKING: Bush Grants Self Permission To Grant Self More Power
In a decisive 1-0 decision Monday, President Bush voted to grant the president the constitutional power to grant himself additional powers.
The Presidential Empowerment Act, which the president hand-drafted on his own Oval Office stationery and promptly signed into law, provides Bush with full authority to permit himself to authorize increased jurisdiction over the three branches of the federal government, provided that the president considers it in his best interest to do so. "In a time of war, the president must have the power he needs to make the tough decisions including, if need be, the decision to grant himself even more power," Bush said. "To do otherwise would be playing into the hands of our enemies." ...
Senior administration officials lauded Bush's decision, saying that current presidential powers over presidential power were "far too limited." ...
Despite the president's new powers, the role of Congress and the Supreme Court has not been overlooked. Under the new law, both enjoy the newly broadened ability to grant the president the authority to increase his presidential powers. ... Republicans fearful that the president's new power undermines their ability to grant him more power have proposed a new law that would allow senators to permit him to grant himself more power, with or without presidential approval.
---From the eagle-eyed pros at The Onion
Cheers and Jeers grants itself the power to start in There's Moreville (and if I may add: Way to go, Kansas!)... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, August 2, 2006
Note: If this blog's a-rockin'...it means your monitor is about to fall over.
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By the Numbers:
Days `til the Connecticut primary: 6
Days `til the Maine Salmon Festival in Eastport: 37
Percent of men aged 35-50 who aren't working: 13%
(Source: New York Times via Raw Story)
How much longer a 50 year-old person could expect to live in 1900: 21 years
How much longer a 50 year-old can expect to live today: 31 years
Expected high temperature in Portland, Maine today: 94°
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day: As of August 2, 2006, the smartest pooches in America.
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CHEERS to throwing the bums out. Good morning, Kansas! Don't ya just love the smell of reality-based book learnin' in the morning...
Conservative Republicans who brought international attention to Kansas by approving academic standards calling evolution into question lost control of the state school board in primaries. As a result of the vote, board members and candidates who believe evolution is well-supported by evidence will have a 6-4 majority. Evolution skeptics had entered the election with a 6-4 majority. [...] The most closely watched race was in western Kansas, where incumbent conservative Connie Morris lost her GOP primary to Sally Cauble.
By the way, Connie Morris is the board member who said evolution was an "age-old fairy tale" and "a nice bedtime story" unsupported by science. Let's see, what are the words you say when a fairy tale or a bedtime story is over? Oh yeah... THE END
CHEERS to pushing back. Democratic Senators and Representatives who hold positions on important committees drafted a letter calling on President Bush to fulfill his promise to treat 2006 (what's left of it, anyway) as a "significant transition to full Iraqi sovereignty." In other words, start getting our troops the hell out already. The Decider's thoughtful response: "Hey Karl, look! I made me a paper airplane!" 'A' for effort, gang.
JEERS to living too close to the sun. Man, is it hot. Blazing hot. And humid...yeesh! Of course I'm talking about the weather forecast for Baghdad: 114°, 115°, 117°, 118°...etc. And some of our guys still have the wherewithal to smile about it. Now...what were you saying about the weather here, Shortsy McTanktop?
CHEERS to the coming air war. AP says:
Flush with cash, the Senate Democratic campaign organization has reserved more than $25 million worth of television advertising time for the fall, the bulk of it aimed at toppling Republican incumbents in Ohio, Missouri and Pennsylvania.
Additional Democratic targets also include Montana, where Republican Sen. Conrad Burns' bid for a fourth term is in jeopardy, and Tennessee, where Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist has announced plans to retire. At the same time, the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee has reserved time for advertising in New Jersey and Washington, states that Republicans hope to add to their column to offset any losses elsewhere.
I can't remember the last time I saw the words "Democratic campaign organization" and "flush with cash" in the same sentence. Feels tingly.
CHEERS to leaving the place better than you found it. Sure, President Bush is leaving a big mess for his successor, but there's a silver lining. The Democratic victor will at least have a fancy new press briefing room to use. And if they have any brains, they'll give Helen Thomas a solid-gold barcalounger.
JEERS to turning off the juice. (via ThinkProgress) Local officials in Vermillion County, Indiana---home of potential terrorist target Newport Chemical Depot---got in trouble for using the new electronic homeland security road signs to "advertise fish fries, spaghetti dinners and other [community] events." Well, a little birdie tells me that Gladys Higgenbotham's pimento and curry spaghetti sauce is considered a weapon of mass destruction---it eats through steel.
CHEERS to great inventions. On August 2, 1887, barbed wire was patented by Chester A. Hodge of Beloit, Wisconsin. If there's a better all-purpose gift in existence, we're not aware of it.
JEERS to spoilsports. The Florida GOP---whiny bastards---tells Katherine Harris that she has no chance of winning and therefore she should cut and run. We say, don't listen to them, Kath'---the GOP is full of liars and vultures. It's always darkest before the dawn, so stay in there and fight fight fight!
CHEERS to preemptive drunken fingerpointing. Will Ferrell, appearing on The Daily Show, goes on record---Mel Gibson blamed the wrong people:
Jon Stewart: [Let's say] Will Farrell gets pulled over by the cops, let's say at 2:30 in the morning in Malibu. What group does Will Farrell blame for most of the ills of the world?
Will Farrell: I'd go for the gay midgets. Because their free ride is over! I'm tired of hearing about `em. I'm tired of their rule over Hollywood. So that's who I'd go after.
Wow, it's like he's reading my mind.
CHEERS to the great actors. Peter O'Toole turns 74 today. He was the best thing in `Troy' two years ago and we're glad to see he's got a few more gigs on his plate. P.S.---Because of your brilliance in Lawrence of Arabia, we forgive you for `Supergirl.' And `Club Paradise.' And `King Ralph.'
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One Year Ago in C&J: August 2, 2005:
CHEERS to public meltdowns. Did you see Rick Santorum on This Week? Our favorite exchange with George Stephapalooza:
George: Let's get specific here. Name one or two of these radical feminists who are on this crusade.
Rick Sanitarium: Well, I mean, you know, you have...you go back to...what's her name, well, Gloria Steinem, but I'm trying to remember...I can't remember the woman's name. It's terrible. Anyway...
George: But it's kind of an important point. Because you paint this broad brush: radical feminists, village elders. Name one.
Rick Sanitarium: There's lots of...no, there's lot's of...well, Gloria Steinem. There's one.
Wow...that is one powerful wench.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to smart summer vacationers. Dear Friends: Having fun. Wish you were here. Stay cool! We are, ha ha ha!! Hugs and kisses, The Griswolds.
Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless Testimonial:
"They scare people with these hot-button issues. If I can make you be afraid of one of these issues---they're going to take your Cheers and Jeers away, or gay marriage is going to be everywhere---then I can guide your vote. It's always about fear."
---Toby Hoover
Ohio Coalition Against Gun Violence
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