Los Alamos - Scientists rushed to attend a hastily assembled press conference Wednesday morning to reveal the discovery of a potential breakthrough that holds the promise of a free, inexhaustible, supply of relatively clean energy. Dr. Surah Spock of the National Laboratories revealed that a recent series of tests indicates a probability that earth's dependence on fossil fuels may be a thing of the past.
Los Alamos- Scientists rushed to attend a hastily assembled press conference Wednesday morning to reveal the discovery of a potential breakthrough that holds the promise of a free, inexhaustible, supply of relatively clean energy. Dr. Surah Spock of the National Laboratories revealed that a recent series of tests indicates a probability that earth's dependence on fossil fuels may be a thing of the past.
The scientists first stumbled across the idea while watching recent American political coverage. Dr. Spock says, "while viewing a recent news broadcast covering a large, racous campaign rally, I had a revelation. Never before has so much energy been generated by so little substance."
The scientists have coined the term O-field to describe the energy generated from this effect but so far have been unable to harness the field to generate demonstrable results. Assistant Director Thad Heady laments that, "attempts to quantize the O-field have fallen short, the uncertainty principle is preventing us from either establishing a definite position or momentum for the particles in question. We measure the momentum and the position mysteriously changes, pinpoint a true position and the momentum disappears, it is very frustrating."
Undeterred, the group of scientists took their preliminary findings to the US patent office, but petition was denied by said office on grounds that the discovery was an 'over unity' device. Devising such inoperable machines has become common enough that the US Patent and Trademark Office has made official policy of refusing to grant patents for perpetual motion machines without a working model.
While being interviewed for this article, a patent clerk , who asked to remain nameless, mentioned that his office had been deluged with a horde of such devices in recent weeks. "The Bloomberg machine was the final straw, we are tired of overunity here," he exclaimed! Casting a nervous look around, he whispered that, "while most are pure junk science, there are a few I am personally looking at in my garage, but only out of pure curiousity."
He continued, "We did grant one patent just the other day however, it seems that a man by the name of Christopher Birdy naturally exhales a form of heated plasma in quantities sufficient enough that can be used for heating and power generation. At first we were skeptical, but it appears that the gas comes from digesting an inordinate amount of biomass and is processed by normal methods so the First Law is not violated. It appears that this bio-fuel will even be eligible for subsidies under the recent Energy Bill."
Attempts by this reporter to contact Mr. Birdy were unsuccessful, however his manservant informed me that Mr. Birdy was "currently in negotiations with foods giant ADM to bring this new energy source to the little people." ADM and other agricultural processors such as ConAgra have suffered in recent years under a glut of cheap Mexican corn and other low cost foodstuffs from the third world. Even as the sector continues to blame NAFTA for an economic downturn, it hopes that new energy sources such as the opportunity offered by Mr. Birdy will help revive its flagging fortunes and sagging sales of its new Soylent Green product line.
Back at Los Alamos Dr Spock's group is bowed, but undaunted in their attempts to more fully understand this new mysterious force. Dr. Casey Wen hints that these particles may not exist in our physical reality and may require a new, larger Lie group to be fully defined. Parallel research paths are examining the remarkable spin exhibited by some of the new particles. "Spin zero, Spin-2, Spin-4, you name it they have it, Dr. Wen exclaims! They appear to start spinning at random and fluctuate quantam states seemingly at will, it is truly remarkable!" Dr. Spock closes out the conference by proclaiming, that "we shall redouble our efforts" and promises some concrete findings in coming months.